What I learned Today...

I just realized something today.





I love my job.





I love it. I get to work with middle school girls, with college students, I get to teach, I get to play goofy games, I get to comfort girls that are upset, I get to share my life experiences, I get to build so many relationships, I get a new perspective on life each and every STARS session.

I can't believe I get to do this job.

I was sitting in my office after STARS today, and I just had to sit there. I felt happy about living here because it meant I got to keep doing my job.

We have been focusing on Thanksgiving this week, since they are all off school next week and we can't do it then, and I decided that I wanted each student to say something they were thankful for.

Here are some of their comments:

"My family"
"My mom because she works really hard to take care of me"
"Toilets"
"My friends that are there for me when I need them"
"My dad because he got sick last year and almost died"
"That I was adopted and have a great family"

Then I gave them a bunch of papers and markers and gave them a long time to make cards for people so they could thank them, and they got so into it. "Can we make more then one?" Heck yes you can!

One student kept coming and asking for help because she wanted to give it to her friend that came to STARS with her and wanted it to be perfect. She kept asking "how does it look now?" Then, after giving it to her, she came up to me really excited and said "When I gave her the card I made her, she gave me the card she was working on! She was making a card for me while I was making hers! Isn't that cool? I couldn't wait to tell you!" These girls are so sweet. Did I mention they're all 11 and 12 years old?

Quite a few of them took the time to make me a card as well. I just have to brag and show you some of these...

I love my portrait

From one of my favorites...

This one makes my heart ache...so freaking sweet

Don't you love the alternate spelling of all the names?

I get to be the one to receive all their affection.

And to top it all off, one of my leaders wrote me a note as well. Basically she had a lot of really nice things to say to me. Bring-on-tears kind of things.

And it made me realize how fortunate I am to be doing what I'm doing.

I'll say it again. I love my job.

I'm writing this all down so that when I have a bad day, I can remember that at one point I loved my job, that at one point I knew the truth, that I love what I do.

I may need to remember that pretty quickly...I have an event this weekend and things can get pretty crazy when you get a bunch of 6th graders in a room together and give them cookies and candy. But I'm looking forward to it because I won't have to teach and will just get to play. Then its off to NJ for Thanksgiving!! PRAISE JESUS!!!

Oprah's... er... Allie's Favorite Things...

I need a perspective change.

I feel this blog has had a fairly negative feel recently, and that's because my perspective has been mostly negative of late. (also, everyone should always say "of late" rather than "lately"... its just better).

Rather than get swallowed up by my pessimism, its time for a thankful list. Lets all join in a chorus of "These are a few of my favorite things!"

Because when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.

So in no particular order, here goes nothing:

My blanket from my Mom-Mom.
My scarves.
My tardis phone case.
Netflix.
Pictures of my friends and family scattered about my room.
Fall weather!
My roommate's treadmill.
Phone calls.
Having a home church.
Knowing how to use a professional espresso machine.
Sweatpants.
My bangs.
High heeled shoes.
My ankle pants that make me feel like Audrey Hepburn.
Tunics.
Chocolate chip pumpkin bread.
Free lunch at staff meetings.
Trader Joe's Orange Chicken.
Big rings.
Maxi skirts that are long enough.
My Bible that is falling apart (almost lost Revelation earlier today...).
Books! (how did it take me this long before I wrote that?!)
The park that is in walking distance of my house.
Being an East-coaster.
Driving stick.
Shakespeare.
Watching British television, then thinking with an accent.
Coffee.
Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
Living 10 minutes from a family member.
Sharing a big bowl of popcorn with someone.
"Good Mythical Morning."
Mocassins.
Lord of the Rings.
A roommate that talks to me.
My journals.
Candles.
Campfires.
Glamping.
Star gazing.
Finding satellites when star gazing.
Jogging.
Big cities.
Art museums.
Taking a train somewhere.
The beach.
The woods.
Watching previews at the movies.
The smell of onions and garlic cooking in butter on the stove.
A bowl of cereal.
Cooking for people.
Libraries.
Book fairs/sales/stores.
Food trucks.
Worshipping and not caring what you look like.
Learning.
Fixing things on my car.
Youth retreats.
Going to a new restaurant with someone that has already been there.
Panera.
Taco Bell.
The bead aisle at Hobby Lobby.
Staying up late.
Thunderstorms.
Road trips.
Aquariums.

"These are a few of my favorite things...."

You get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!

Get it? Favorite things? I probably could have set that joke up better, but its late. I like staying up late, but didn't say that I was always cohesive...coherent...some c-word that I may or may not be able to come up with. That reminds me of the time that I shared a room with my sister, and I had the bottom bunk. The cat used to sleep up on Brittany's bunk, and we never knew how she got up there or how she got down. One night, I knew how she got down. I woke to what I thought was death, but was really the cat landing on my stomach after jumping down off of the top bunk (our bunk beds were in an "L" shape, perpendicular to one another, not parallel...). I screamed in my fright, and my mom ran into the room. I explained to her that Gracie had jumped on me, and my mom answered with "What?" I said again "Gracie jumped on me." My mom said I wasn't making sense and should go back to bed. I, now frustrated as to why she wasn't understanding me, yelled louder "Gracie jumped on me!" Mom again answered with "You're not making sense, just go to bed." The next morning I asked my mom why she wasn't understanding me, and she said "All you kept saying was, 'Gracie has a shoe!' over and over again."

So yeah, not always coherent (is that the right word) at this time of night. But who cares. I don't stay up for other people, I stay up for me. Its just so wonderfully quite late at night.



Positive story from the day: asking someone for a "real" hug, and getting a good, long, sincere one.

That one time I couldn't play Halo...

I read something a while back in an article about relationships that has been floating around in my head, and I need to process it out.

I went to find this article again to read the quote that was bothering me, and to also highlight the quote here, but alas, it can't be found. So I'll have to paraphrase to the best of my ability.

It was by a woman who was writing about past experiences and how they have shaped her. She wrote something about allowing a certain guy to become very important to her emotionally because he had shown her a small amount of interest, and since she hadn't been getting interest anywhere else, it came across to her as a large amount of interest and she got hung up on him for way too long, even when he stopped showing interest.

You are not alone, sister.

The reason I wanted to process this here is because as humans, we so easily put others on pedestals because of our perceptions of them. We make assumptions about what they can offer us, about what they're capable of, about their seeming perfection, and all of it is through our eyes and a perception that is skewed and flawed.

I have allowed others opinions of me (the opinions I've assumed they've made, that is...) to dictate how I am going to view myself. What the what, McGillick. That is ridiculous.

I cannot allow choices that others have made to affect me in such drastic ways. The interactions between men and women will always baffle me (and the skill of those interactions will apparently always escape me) but the fact that we can allow such small, insignificant moments of conversation or interactions to transform into large, meaningful moments that fluff our egos or translate as pursuit is even more baffling.

I don't know why I look for approval and affirmation of being a female when I have the love of my Savior and Redeemer and have been called His "bride" and told that He is coming back for me. I don't know why women read into things more than they should with guys.

What I do know is we are all humans, therefore we are all idiots imperfect, and we are going to have imperfect interactions and relationships. My heart aches for other women who have thought something held more potential then it did. Because I know what that feels like. Its terrible. Not just because our pride has been bruised, but because it feels like someone hit a reset button on a game you had been playing and now you have to go back to level one and start all over. And all your friends had been watching you play the game and see that you've been sent back to level one, so they don't know what to do other than offer pity and condolences and tips for how to make it through the first few levels as quickly as possible to get to the level you were at, and you just want to throw the game away and never play again.

And now all I can think about is the time my siblings tried to teach me to play Halo and it ended with me storming out of the room yelling at everyone and throwing my controller behind me as I left, hoping to "accidentally" hit someone with it. I digress....

Why did I need to blog about this? Because I process verbally, and in this case, typographically (Does that word exist? It wasn't underlined in red, so it must. I've impressed myself), and just needed to spit all of that out.

Take from it what you will.

But whatever you do, don't offer pity. This was not a cry of frustration or a cry for help. This was a statement, an observation, a commentary. Maybe even a confession.


Random story from today: I played the "dice game" with my STARS girls today, and its the best game ever. My throat hurts from yelling. If you know anything about me, you know that means I was having a blast. It probably has a real name, but here are the rules. Rule #1: gather a group of people (preferably between 3 and 8). Rule #2: each person playing has a slip of paper. Rule #3: there is one dice and one pen. Rule #4: each player takes a turn rolling the dice. Rule #5: when a player rolls a six, they grab the pen and start writing numbers 1 to 100 on their slip of paper. Rule #6: each player not currently writing continues to try and roll a 6, taking the pen from whoever has it and filling out their own slip of paper. Rule #7: first player to get to 100 wins. Rule #8: watch this video to get excited about playing a game. Rule #8: go play. right now. do it.

No, Admiral Ackbar, it's a different kind of trap...

This song is on my running play list, and whenever it comes on, I feel the urge to blog about it; but by the time I get home, I've either forgotten or get distracted and its hasn't gotten done. But today is that day! It will be blogged about. Take that, short attention span....

"A house and a wife and two and a half.
I lost my dream in the comfort trap....
I told my heart to toe the line.
You had all that time, the rest is mine....
I'm gonna have my cake and eat it too,
And what I don't eat I'm gonna force feed you."

How many times do we get distracted by what we think we should have? Or what we think we're entitled to?

Many have fallen into the comfort trap, and I have fallen in the trap of longing for what I think would be comfort.

"You had all that time, the rest is mine." I feel like that's what I say to God during a rough day. I want it to be my turn, I want to pursue the things I think would make me happy. I want. I want. I want.

But I haven't put my heart on hold, I am doing what I want. What I want is to be in God's will, not so I can escape the fires of hell or earn a reward, but because I have a Savior that I love and I know I am on this earth for a purpose and I don't want to miss that purpose because I wanted the "house and a wife and two and half" that the world makes the end-all-be-all of a person's life.

Do I still want that? Heck yes.

But it can't be the driving force behind my decisions. Its not something I have complete control over (or any control over apparently...) so why not focus on the things that are in front of me, the things that are giving me joy and giving me purpose?

So I do. I coordinate an after-school program that I love. I get to tell girls they are special and have value. Last week, we told the students those exact words, and I passed out a small brightly colored card that said "You are a unique creation, with endless worth; there will never be another you." I asked how many had never been told anything like that before and more than half of them raised their hand. These are 6th grade girls. Eleven year old girls. And no one is telling them they are special.

I could go on a rant about the world, about parents, about babies having babies, but we all know the world is broken. Its broken and it desperately needs its Savior to return and put it back together, to put us back together.

I will still have terrible days when I just want a family of my own, a house of my own, even a couch of my own. But when I am faced with precious, broken children, I can put that behind me and focus on whats in front of me. On who's in front of me. On Who is walking alongside me each and every step.

We have been tasked with changing this world. I refuse to fall into the comfort trap. You should refuse to fall into the comfort trap.

You should also listen to this song. Comfort Trap by House of Heroes. And listen to all their stuff while you're at it, they're amazing. Particularly "If," "Serial Sleepers," (and enjoy the super dated music video for that...what-up 2005!) and "By Your Side." Did I tell you about the time I met the drummer, Colin Rigsby, at a Relient K show? They weren't playing there, he was literally just attending the concert. Here's how our conversation went: Setting: exit hallway of small venue in Columbus. Colin is standing against the wall as I walk by. I see him as I pass (I'm in italics): "HI!" "Hi." "Hi!" "(Chuckle) Hi." Silence. "I'm a big fan!" "Thanks." More silence. End scene. Yup. That's how I interact with spontaneous celebrities. Also, with men.

Give me strength...

I have two homes, and neither of them are my Eternal Home.

This is causing a lot of internal struggles for me.

I want to be there, I want to be here, and I really want to be There.

I have relationships here that I want to build, relationships there that I want to continue, and it feels like I have to choose because there never seems to be enough time to connect with everyone. I want to call there and talk with people, but in order to fully catch people up on my life, I have to stay in for a night, and in doing so, I can't make plans with people to build relationships here.

And the worst thing of all is that I am causing all of this emotional damage myself.

I am picking up guilt, I am picking up shameful messages of being a "bad friend." I'm caring them around, letting them prevent me from finally calling people when I have the time and preventing me from building relationships here because "I can't keep my old friends, so why make new ones?"

I feel as though I will be forgotten by my dear friends there, and easily over looked by potential friends here.

I have people there telling me they miss me, people here telling me I can't keep one foot there and one foot here, and myself telling me I suck.

What in the world am I supposed to do with that?

I don't have social media, (which probably means no one is even reading this because I can't post it anywhere and I feel narcissistic when I email people the link) and that's for my own sanity, but then I feel so unconnected.

I am trying to make time for everyone as much as I can, but I have voicemails piling up and just don't have the time to call everyone there and do everything here.

I don't have a solution. I don't know how to balance it all. I do know that I have to put down my guilt and put down my shame, but that's where I'm getting caught up. I have so many changes in my life right now and some of the dearest people in the world don't even know about them because we can't connect! How do I not hold onto guilt for that?

I have moved. I moved two and a half years ago, but its as raw as if it was 2 weeks ago. And this is what makes me long for the ultimate There even more...not only will I finally be able to rest at my Savior's feet, but so will all my other friends and we can finally all be together.

I complain about all of these things, and then my dear friend living in China can't even afford paper for the school she directs. There are women walking into our center who have been victims of date rape and are looking for a way to end their pain by ending a life. There are girls being given lies about self-satisfaction and self-empowerment when what they really need is to know they were created with a grand purpose and are loved by Jesus.

And I complain that I don't have time to talk to my friends.

Lord, give me strength.

A disjointedly transitional update...

Its been a month and a day since I've returned to Ohio. This being the 3rd time to make the transition from NJ to Ohio, you'd think I would get the hang of it, but once again, my transition back is...well, its a little more complicated that I would have anticipated.

The first fall I came back to Ohio was filled with all sorts of new things. I had only worked out here 5 weeks, then spent the summer in NJ, then returned to start my part time job as an after-school program director.

God had other ideas.

Three days before I was set to move out here, I was called and offered a second part time job to be the director of the entire department I was going to be working in, not just of the after-school program. God very specifically affirmed it, so I took it, and so began my career as "The Sex Lady."

Yes.

"The Sex Lady." A nickname given to me by a student, then repeated constantly by my coworkers. Thanks guys.

The second time I moved back to Ohio after a NJ summer, I knew I would be dealing with a few more transitions, specifically finding a new apartment and having a new roommate. However, a few extra complications were sprinkled in, just to keep me on my toes. My first day back at work, my dear coworker, my friend, my fellow "Sex Lady," told me she had to quit. Her availability was changing and she wasn't going to be able to keep working with me. Fortunately, I still see her and we have a common love of crafting and thrifting, so many a day has been spent with her perusing the isles of Goodwill. But my return to Ohio included an unexpected search for a new assistant. God answered with Linda, a former teacher, fellow Whovian, and someone passionate about teaching students to make wise choices.

But then an extra complication occurred. My living arrangements weren't quite what I was expecting. So at the end of the school year, I found myself yet again packing all of my stuff up and preparing to apartment search.

So the third time I moved back to Ohio after a NJ summer, I knew I'd be looking for an apartment, transitioning back into work, AND I added on my own extra transition of finding a student ministry to finally get involved in. I decided that I wouldn't in fact be cheating on SRCC student ministry by joining another one. After another great week of leading a small group at Harvey Cedars Bible Conference this summer, I realized I couldn't go another school year without serving in some kind of youth group setting. I may lead an after-school program, but nothing can replace leading teens through biblical truths, after playing an awkward and corny crowd game of course.

I was still nervous to get involved in a new group, but God made sure I never had enough time to rethink it. Here's the low-down of how I got involved: On Sunday, I spoke with a woman at church who said she could connect me with one of the youth pastors at church; I was sent an email from said youth pastor (Sharon...a Jersey girl!) on Sunday night, got a call from Sharon on Monday, met with Sharon on Tuesday, and was assigned the 12th grade girls Wednesday, met my co-leader and attended the leader meeting Sunday, then attended the first night of youth group the following Sunday. So two weeks and I'm in.

So yeah, I shouldn't have to deal with any more transitions, right? Finding a place to live, running two ministries, starting at youth group, and leading at BSF should be enough...right??

Nope.

So here are the latest transitions I have been dealing with. Its kinda big stuff. Are you ready?

While I'll still be leading the after-school program, I will no longer be able to hold the title of "The Sex Lady." At the end of the month, I will no longer be the director of the department or leading the abstinence awareness program we have.

A lot went into this decision, it was certainly not made lightly. I realized, after a lot of prayer and tears, that God is still not done with me (who knew?) and this was yet another part of His plan for me. God had given me the grace and strength to change the program and bring it to where it was, and it was always difficult for me, but this year felt different. Both of these programs I was running are growing--not only growing, but over-lapping, so there's a reason I felt weighed down and overwhelmed at the prospect of another year. I made the decision to focus just on what brought me out here in the first place, my 6th grade girls.

But of course, I can't live on just a part time job, so that means I have to find something else to help with my financial woes. Once again, God showed He's not done with me yet. I already have my second source of income. Remember that meeting I told you about with Sharon? We met for coffee and talked about student ministries, and I mentioned that I was looking for some extra part time work, and she off-handedly told me that the church was hiring a few part time positions, so I should send my resume in. I got home, dusted off my resume, wrote a cover letter, and applied. And you guessed it, I got the job.

Replace the slightly inappropriate title I had before with barista. Yep, my church is large enough to have a coffee shop inside of it, and I will be one of the lucky few to stand behind the counter and concoct different ways for people to ingest the wonderfulness that coffee provides. I was also told that I would be able to pick up extra shifts helping people in the office, so watch out Fairhaven Church, I'm taking over.

I have a couple apartments that I'm looking at this coming week, so we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll have more updates for you soon.

After re-reading this for typos (of which there will always be plenty), I feel this post may be slightly disjointed. But that's how I have felt lately, so why wouldn't it be reflected in my writing? The point was to update everyone, so there you go. I also feel like my excitement may not have come through very well. I am really excited to be a part of a youth group again and to claim "barista" as one of my many job experiences. More importantly, I'm excited to see how God is confirming constantly that He is still there and still sovereign, regardless of my limited understanding. After finally making the decision to step down from the one ministry, everything else with work has fallen into place. Telling my boss was much easier than I expected, interviewing my replacement was exhausting but worth it because we've found a great candidate, and I already have my second job lined up, and will start training this Sunday! Its easy to get frustrated when we only look at the issues and the frustrations, but I have to remember that just because I can't see a solution doesn't mean it doesn't exist, and that just because I can't figure out how everything is going to work together doesn't mean that God doesn't know exactly how it all will. He has each and every one of us, and He won't let a little thing like confusion get in His way. "For God is not the God of confusion but of peace." Amen!

He Loves Me, This I Know...

So I was looking through some files on my computer searching for something in particular and came across this, titled "He Loves Me, This I Know," written back in 2010. I read it and was such an encouraging reminder to me, so instead of coming with up new words right now, I want you to just read these old ones:

How do we know anything? What is this world? Why do we have conversations about whats on TV, who's a Christian, and what's for dinner with the same blazay sort of attitude? What is meaningful anymore? What are we living for? Why do we continue living this life unless it's for something greater? THere's an entire world out there, suffering, being eaten alive by satan and he's growing fatter and fatter. We are sucked into his ploys, into his distractions, and are consumed before we realize he's even after us.  We must be strong in who we are--and who are we? We are children of God, the Most High. He created the world and has the power to do anything, and He takes the time to love us and care for us and look over us as we sleep, as we laugh with friends, in our weakest moments and in our strongest moments. He says "Oh Allie, I have searched you and known you. I know your sitting down and your rising up, I understand your thoughts afar off. I comprehend your path and your lying down. I am acquainted with all your ways. for there is not a word on your tongue, but behold, Allie, I know it altogether. I have hedged you behind and before. And laid my hand upon you. Such knowledge is too wonderful for you, it is high, and you cannot attain it. Where can you go from My spirit? Or where can you flee from my presence? If you ascend into heaven, I am there, if you make your bed in hell, behold, I am there. If you take the winds of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost part of the sea, even there My hand shall lead you and My right hand shall hold you. If you say surely the darkness shall fall on me, even the night shall be light about you. Indeed the darkness shall not hide from Me, but the night shines as the day, the darkness and the light are both alike to Me. For I formed your inward parts, I covered you in your mothers womb. You will praise Me for you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are My works and that your soul knows very well. Your frame was not hidden from Me, when you were made in secret. And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the heart. My eyes saw your substance being yet unformed. And in my book they all were written, the days fashioned for you, when as yet there were none of them.

After all that, how can we do anything but spend our entire existence praising Him? And what does praising Him look like? He made me a certain way, and by living the way He's made me, I am praising Him. By loving those He wants me to love, I am praising Him. By acknowledging that I am a piece of dirt that has been rescued by Him and turned into a glorious piece of artwork, I am praising him. So I will work for Him because He is my Savior. My King, my Father. My God. He's the One that loves me more than any one else ever could or ever will, all before I even did anything for Him or even acknowledged his existence. Once I met him and told Him I loved him, I could never do anything to make Him love me any less. Do you know anyone like that? I certainly don't. I don't even love myself enough to keep going. I let myself down all the time and disappoint myself more than anyone else I know. But God will never be disappointed in me. He wants me to do great things, but only so I can glorify Him and point all of it back to Him "for God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love, which you have shown towards His name, in that you have ministered to the saints and do minister. " That is someone I want to love and devote my life to, someone who will never ever ever ever ever forget anything I've done for Him, and knows to expect that I will do more. He believes in me and knows I will do great things. He loves me unconditionally however….even though He knows I will do great things His love does not depend on whether I fulfill any of that. 

Its pretty cool to be encouraged by yourself, especially when you don't really remember saying/typing any of this...you're just so amazed at how well this advice speaks to your soul!

So that's what I need to be reminded of...God knows me and loves me, and my life needs to be spent in devotion towards Him.

I blogged...

So...I'm sure you're all wondering how my summer has gone. Did I achieve my goals? Did I go to the beach? I'm sure you've been dying to know. Well, no and yes. The tan I'm carrying around proves I definitely went to the beach, but life has a way of doing exactly the opposite of what we think it will do, and then adds some chaos and a sprinkle of confusion into the mix.

Overall, it was a wonderful summer. It felt as though I received two months of constant affirmation. Affirmation of who I am as a child of God, affirmation that I am capable, affirmation that I have something to bring to the table. I was in desperate need of it after a year of living with someone who ignored my existence and created an atmosphere of apathy and indifference (towards me and life in general). After ten months, that can take one heck of a toll on a person. So retreating to NJ to be surrounded by friends who appreciated me, family who loves me through my imperfections (yes...as hard as it is to believe, I am not perfect...) was affirming and healing.

I worked on a couple projects...

sorting plastic bags to be turned into plarn...

having to resort plastic bags to be turned into plarn...

As well as this...

A cork board made from a yard-sale-purchased frame and
corks collected from 8 months of working in a restaurant.

My running plans were altered when I burned my ankle while cooking one night (you may have thought it wasn't possible to burn one's ankle while cooking...let me assure you, it is) so putting sneakers on was impossible for a few weeks.

And days upon days were spent lying on the sandy beach, reading and napping, and this is officially the tannest I will ever be in my life. When I got back to work, one of my coworkers (now my favorite coworker...) described me as "brown." Take that Irish ancestry!

And now, I'm back in Ohio. I've been at work 2 days, and God is doing something. I don't understand what is it yet, but it is definitely something. There were quite a few changes at the office over the summer, and I'm not sure how I feel about them yet. And that's about as much as I can go into it right now. 

Here's to yet another season of trusting God because I have no idea what's really going on. 

Positive story of the day: I blogged.

Goals, Spazzing, and Perfection...

I have several goals this summer...

To actually make a habit out of blogging so that I don't run into the dilemma of choosing which 5 events to blog about first when all of them seem so long ago that it doesn't seem worth it to recall the information creatively enough to blog about it.

To get back up to my normal running distance, as well as not look like this when I spit while running...

To read, read, and read, especially since my recent visit to the Hunterdon County Book Fair :)

several of the new additions to my personal library, minus those I
already packed to bring back to Ohio with me...

To spend lots of time with the people I love.

To craft my little heart out.

To take a much needed break from the world of sex education (although my brain is most likely permanently in the gutter, as well as armed and ready to argue--to the death!--about the inappropriateness of our culture with lots of statistics, articles, and personal opinion...).

And to get my beach on!!

I never knew how difficult it would be living in an area where going to the beach just isn't an option. Where its rare for people to have even gone to a beach or swam (swum? swimmed? been in a state of swimosity?) in the ocean. The struggle is real, everyone.

It has been a crazy time at work. We officially ended the STARS program a couple weeks ago, and I will really miss these girls I've gotten to know over the year. My volunteer leaders build relationships with them through their small grou discussions every week, but it usually takes them until about March to really open up with me (the big, scary adult who teaches them...). So it always feels like I'm just finally getting to know them on a personal level when the program has ended and they're hugging my goodbye (and giving me coffee gift cards!! Obvs they're my favorites now). Here are some of the photos from the last week of STARS:

Because the "funny" pictures are always better... and check out the awesome poster they made me!!
They all signed it, and whenever I stare at it reading all of their message,
the rest of the world is a bright shade of pink when I look away from it...

Again, always go with the ridiculous picture...

...especially when the fact that you smacked one of your girls in the face because you're a spaz is captured on film.

This one always gave the sweetest hugs...even though I'm literally kneeling on the floor
in this picturewhile she is standing up...which didn't make for awkward hugs in the slightest....
Also, 6th graders are really really REALLY into photo bombing. I think at least 2 tried
jumping in front of us while we tried to capture this one moment.

Another one of my dear sweethearts. Going to miss them all so much, and I mean that very sincerely.

These girls were huge blessings to me. Headaches on several occasions, but overall, blessings.

Oh so to update from my last blog, going home for the wedding of two of my dear friends was just wonderful (especially after I found out one of my gifts was one of the favorites! For the win. Don't even care if I've just offended someone who thought their gift was awesome. It wasn't as awesome as mine. Deal with it.) I cried way more than I realized I would, not just because it was a wedding and I'm female, but listening to the pastor describe who my friends were and why they so deserved this blessing just threw me over the edge into all sorts of feels. Its wonderful when you can just delight in the fact that you're friends are blessed, weddings rock. Especially the dance parties afterwards!

And yes, I am aware that even after 6 years of dance lessons, I continue to lack the ability of being coordinated while thrashing around on the dance floor, but I couldn't care less. Well, I did have to vacate the dance floor when the Electric Slide came on...there's just an extra beat in that song that I can't seem to comprehend! But it was a wonderful night of good food, friends, laughter, dancing, and celebration.

And then I had another fantastic weekend at home! I've already mentioned the book fair, but did I also mention the largest rummage sale in NJ was also the same weekend??? It was a little difficult to remain standing after rummaging for several hours due to the fact that I spent the previous day packing up Brendan from college and driving home from 5:30-2:30 (pm to am if you were wondering), but after a quick lie-down in the grassy parking lot while my friends and I showed off our spoils, I was good to go! And when I say "go" I mean literally go...exit the rummage sale while I still had enough energy to remain conscious enough to drive myself home.

It was a great weekend filled with lots of friend time, some bro-sis bonding over witty action adventure movies (because who didn't go see Avenger's: Age of Ultron??), and cooking. So obviously leaving to return to Ohio was a little emotionally difficult.

But I can manage because (drum roll please....) I am once again returning to NJ for the summer. It may seem like this was a no-brainer and of course I would be returning home, but actually a lot of thought went into this decision. I really enjoy my job out here; even though I am constantly out of my comfort zone, I'm beginning to see (Let's here a big "finally!" from God...) how I am being used out here, and as frustrating as it can be to live away from my family and friends, I know there is something, well, bigger going on out here that I can really comprehend. So with all that said, it can be very difficult to feel like this is a home away from home when all of my friends live anywhere but Ohio. That's not to say I haven't built relationships out here, but it has yet to feel like it does when I come home to NJ. But I really didn't see the point in staying out here for the summer without a job just for the sake of being out here (of course, it was much easier to come to that realization after I processed that with a million different people...thanks guys), so I made the decision to take advantage of the gift God is trying to give me and have a summer vacation where I want to be.

There's quite a lot to be done at work before it is officially summer for me (and the fact that its been over 85 degrees out here every day this week isn't helping!!) but its so exciting knowing a break is coming.

I would like to ask for your prayers though. Although it may seem like my life is perfect and everything is working out wonderfully (I know, its hard to believe that its not because obviously I always appear to have everything together and am not a spaz...please see above picture of me slapping one of my students if you need a reminder that I actually am...), there are a lot of transitions coming up that I don't have solutions for, and that is weighing quite heavily on my mind. So just lift me up, lay your proverbial hands on me, keep me in your thoughts, whatever christian-ese saying you like best, as long as you talk to Jesus about me...for the prayers of a righteous man avails much!! (how's that for a christian-ese saying? When's the last time you said "avails much" in a normal sentence?)

***side note: I got one of the lowest scores in my Computer Applications class at Central, particularly during our typing lessons. So yeah, I stink at typing. I know you will probably find lots of typos and errors, and yes, I know they are there. They're like my amish quilts...the amish always leave mistakes in their quilts on purpose to symbolize that God is perfect and we can't light a candle to Him. So read my typos in all of their glory, and remember, God is perfect :)

Banner has awakened...

I forgot that I updated my blog and when I logged on I was terribly confused for half a millisecond. I took a break from blogging because I had to focus on surviving. The month of March and I have an interesting relationship. The ups and downs of the temperature are somehow linked to my emotions, and I usually end up blocking most of the month out. So every time March rolls around again, I have no idea what's going on until I look at the calendar, see how far I've come since that dreaded winter solstice and realize winter is actually almost done and my emotional hell with it.

Then enter April, and I feel like the Incredible Hulk when he's just turned back into Bruce Banner...dazed, confused, a little sore from destroying everything in his path, thankful to have "returned," and hopeful about all the things he can get done now that he's in a better state of mind.

So let's get crackin'!

This month is providing ample opportunities for me to experience joy...sweet its-about-freaking-time joy.

My parents came to visit me for the Easter weekend, and we spent most of it eating and reminiscing, so what could possibly be bad about that? Coupled with the celebration of our resurrected Savior?? It was a great weekend.

This coming weekend I will be able to not only visit home and see my friends and family, but I will have the privilege of seeing two very dear friends of mine marry each other. And after my emotional breakdown of seeing so much happiness happen at once with so many of my dearest friends in the same room, the celebratory dance party that will take place afterwards will be the perfect way for me to let out all of my emotional energy.

Non-existant dancing skills + the excitement levels of a post-seasonally depressed hyper extroverted introvert = nothing but good times.

Also, before I get to come home for the marital festivities, I will get to throw my 2nd STARS party for the year. We have rented out the local skating rink, we've collected the permission slips, we've scavenged for free food and snacks wherever we could, and we are ready to party! We're actually combining this event with the other mentoring program in my department, the GIFT program which provides mentors for 8th grade girls, so we think there will be about 100 people in attendance, which blows my Happy Hallow-Thanks-Mas attendance clear out of the water! (Sidenote: I am still super proud of that party, not only in my creative title, but in the fact that my minion costume was such a hit and I could wear it while also eating turkeys made out of Oreos and candy corn while watching a Christmas movie voiced my James McAvoy.) These parties always remind me why I do what I do. I don't have to lead a discussion, I don't have to teach a lesson, I don't have to ration out snacks. I can just hang out with my girls, act like a middle schooler for a couple hours, and make huge strides in building relationships with these students. I canNOT wait!

That's not even all that's happening this month, and instead of writing it all down, I'm going to wait so that I will have to blog again later this month. I really want to make this a habit so that I can keep people in the loop as to what's going on in my life.

Do you know its been 2 years since I first came out here to take this job? Two years of long distance relationships really begins to wear on a person. Two years of feeling like I've just moved, 2 years of not really feeling "at home." Was listening to one of my favorite bands the other day, and this song so perfectly exemplifies how I feel so often out here.

"But you know me too well. I bring it all on myself. Between heaven and hell, I've got no home." Then beginning at 2:04, one of the best instrumental portions of any song ever, especially when played ridiculously loud in the car on the way home from a long day at work. "We wait for love to call us home."

I'm reminded more and more that this just isn't my final destination, and thank God Almighty it isn't. I am waiting for Love to call me home, and until then, I'm doing what He's giving me to do here. And if one of the things He's giving me to do is wait, to be complete in Him by learning patience (James 1:4 anybody??) then I guess that's what I'm going to do.

Looking forward to my long drive in a couple days, and not just because of my obsession with audio books, but so I can spend some quality time basking in the blessings that God is giving me. Weddings, a family that welcomes me home, friends that know me and still love me, and an eternity before me. Who knows what coming up next, but God will certainly not disappoint.

Small Movements...

I am an adult.

I have a big girl job.

I have a desk and an office.

I am known as Miss McGillick most days.

What in the world happened?

I presented my goals as the department head to our board members at their meeting last night, and I was downright professional and charming. Who is this person?

I like my job and what I get to do (even though its exhausting and an introvert's nightmare), but I really miss the days of being a youth leader.

I think of helping out at student ministry back in NJ and I think of running around like an idiot playing some game, making it look like I was having the best time ever so that other kids would want to join in (and secretly enjoying every second because games like handball and ultimate frisbee are amazing), then getting to have deep, intentional, spiritual discussion with a group of ladies I LOVED getting to know, while leading this discussion with one of my best friends, then getting to run around like an idiot again for some kind of indoor game at the end of the night, eating any of the remaining scraps from snack, getting to catch up with all my youth leader friends in the gym while all the students got picked up, then sitting around a kitchen table with said youth leaders while eating freshly popped popcorn and laughing about something that happened earlier that evening or reminiscing about some other youth event.

My life was all about mentoring teens, and I miss that dearly.

Now, I direct a program that mentors teens, and I still get to have some of those cool discussions, but I'm on the facilitating end of things now, not so much the actually-doing end of things (or however else you would say that).

I miss doing the actual mentoring, but God still gives me small doses of it, like getting to lead one of the small groups today at STARS because one of my leaders was sick. Too bad for her, but heck yes for me!

God is still working through me, and hallelujah about that! I really never fully know what I'm doing, and there's something exciting about knowing that I can't really do it, and watching it all still get done because God is amazing and able to have anything He wants accomplished to get done.

He has shown me how much I've grown these past 1.5 years, and it is really awesome how comfortable I am with public speaking now, how confident I can be in front of my peers (or at least pretend to be), how I can lead large, obnoxious gregarious groups of 6th graders, and how I can balance a full-time volunteer position as well as a full-time job. What the what?? I really am an adult.

I am also trying to be more responsible for my personal health, and I've started seeing a physical therapist. I can't even get started on the symbolism of learning to take small steps to fix a large problem...maybe I'll process that some other time. Its very frustrating knowing what the problem is, and knowing that it will take weeks and months of very small movements to fix that one large problem. Can we see the metaphor for life here? Please pray for my patience as I try to take these small steps. The competitive side of me feels like a idiot when I can't seem to do my exercises correctly. Maybe I need to join some kind of recreational sport in the spring to have an outlet for my competitiveness...all the more reasons to get this physical therapy underway!


Positive story for the day?? Well, I had STARS and didn't lose my temper on any of the multiple teens that were being...well...teens, so go me.

Need to get this off my chest...

Apparently today was that day! (see previous post if you have no idea what I'm talking about) I took the time to re-upload some pictures to my more recent posts, so enjoy.

Also, updated my blog! You like? Don't really care if you don't, I do. And after all, blogs are all about narcissism.

Also, was inspired to blog a second time today! I have some stuff I need to get off my chest, so here goes…

Sadness.

Its hard to predict when its going to hit. Even harder to figure out what caused it.

Especially when its unprovoked. Is that the word I'm looking for? Not sure, but that's the best I can come up with.

I heard someone once say that sadness kicks in when we're tired. That's very true. If its been a long week, I can easily be pushed into a melancholy state.

But I wish we were all better at, well, being nice to one another.

Its hard to step out and be an adult, build a community. We all know its hard, so why aren't we all nicer to one another? We don't we encourage one another more often? Why don't we say 'thank you' to people that deserve to be appreciated, why don't we seem to recognize when someone needs to be told 'thank you'?

Why are we so afraid to be the first to "give" in any relationship? Its so much easier to be the one taking, but in order to take, someone needs to give. So instead of giving, we all wander around empty, needing affirmation, because no one wants to be the first to give.

Because when you give, you're not guaranteed a refill, so to speak. When we step up and help someone, we have no idea if they will reciprocate when the time comes, or if they'll just cross over to the other side of the street when they see us coming.

Jesus didn't wait until He was sure that His disciples were going to reciprocate when He reached out to them. He didn't wait to help others until they told Him how they were going to pay Him back. If He did, we wouldn't have the gospels. We wouldn't be saved from eternal separation. We love because He first loved us.

So why is it so freaking hard for us to be kind to one another? It won't bloody kill you to say 'thank you', to let someone in who is trying to merge on the road, to look up from your own space to see the needs of those around you, to anticipate that someone may need help, may need affirmation, may need another person to simply acknowledge their existence. 

I so easily emulate people in social situations. If everyone else is laughing, I'm probably laughing. If everyone else is angry about something, I easily join in without thinking how I really feel about the situation. I know I'm a fairly strong-willed person and not without a backbone (and can be quite loud about my opinions on occasion…oh alright, often…) but my need to please people often overrides that and creates a version of me that simply mirrors the attitudes of others. We can all do this to some extent, but my point here is that when someone else holds back and doesn't affirm me, I in turn hold back my kind words as well. 

If you don't want to reach out and help, I'm not helping either. If you're not going to smile and say hi, I'm not wasting my hellos on you either. If you don't think I'm worth the extra energy it would take to ask how my day is, then I'm not asking you either. I'm not at all saying this is the right way to go about things, but this is what I find myself doing.

Its a ridiculous version of survival of the fittest, where my fallen mind thinks, "Well, if I give first, then they're just going to walk all over me, so I can't be the one to cave first" and I don't want to appear to be weak or at a disadvantage. Its as if we're playing some kind of game to see who can be a jerk the longest. 

I want to stop playing this ridiculous game. Because I'm competitive and I will win, and who wants to win this kind of game??

It takes so much energy to give when someone doesn't return the effort, but isn't that what Christianity is about? I'm not talking about still giving money to someone that repeatedly doesn't pay you back. I am talking about heaping burning coals on someone's head…and for those of you not familiar with that biblical passage, killing someone with kindness. 

When we withhold all kinds of kindness and affection towards other human beings, we rob them of a simple pleasure. We are spreading sadness. Enough days/weeks/months of being ignored by someone takes its toll, and we begin to believe the lie that we aren't worth the effort that affection takes. We believe that we've done something wrong, we aren't likable, we aren't acceptable. 

We need to stop believing those lies about ourselves and recognize that there is the need to stop others from believing those lies as well.

We need to be kinder to one another, we need to pull our heads out of our butts and ask someone else how they are doing, and sincerely! Not just for the sake of asking! 

We all have value, we all have worth. Sadness comes in many forms and can be fed very easily, especially by lies. We need to stop the lies from entering our minds and stop spreading the lies with our apathy towards others. 

Jesus said the most important commandments were to love God with everything we've got, then to love others. So love God, believe what He says about you is true, then love others with that same kind of love.

As far as my positive story for the day, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go...

My Swanson moment...

I had a Ron Swanson moment.

I was trying to upload pictures to my last blog entry, and ended up uploading every single one of my pictures on my computer to google's version of "the cloud." I thought, No big deal, I guess if my computer dies, my pictures will at least be saved. 

But that wasn't quite the end.

My phone (which is apparently way smarter than I realized) started sending me random slide shows of my pictures. And not just any kind of slide show. Very specific slide shows, with titles, correct names of towns where the pictures were taken, and the correct sequence of the pictures that were taken.

The first one was kinda neat, the second one was a little intrusive. But the third one was down right creepy. So the only solution to me was to delete my google account and erase all my pictures I had uploaded. Enter Ron Swanson.

In my haste to preserve my privacy, apparently I deleted all my pictures from my blog. I don't really know what to do.  I could spend my time trying to find those pictures again and upload them again, or I could just forget about it.

Also ended up deleting all the picture from my phone. Like the ones I took when my friend that lives hundreds of miles away in Philly came to visit me. Confounded technology.

Maybe one day when I have absolutely nothing else to do, I'll take the time to try and re-upload the pictures to my blog. Today is not that day.

-21...

*photos accidentally erased from existence*

Currently it is -4 outside right now. Wind chill? -21. Of course I chose the 2 coldest winters to live in the midwest. 

Is it bad that it makes me feel better that the weather is just as bad, if not worse, in NJ? Sorry guys.

As cold and snowy as it is, this was the sunset as I was driving home last night. Had to pull over to get a good shot out the window of my car. Better be thankful for it, took 5 minutes for me to get the feeling back in my hands afterwards (note to self, clean car windows for optimal, 'indoor' photography).

Big girl update: I did my taxes this past weekend. 

For whatever reason, this seemed like one of the adult things that I would never really understand and never know how to do, and would have to depend on others my whole life get it done for me. But thanks to Turbo Tax's free option for Federal and State, I was able to get it done myself. 

Also, found a new family doctor. Its like I'm an adult or something…

During said doctor's appointment, I was asked what my occupation is (by my male, attractive, my-age doctor no less), and then a couple questions later, the obligatory "are you sexually active" question was asked, to which he answered before me with "Oh, well I guess with your job, that'd be kinda not good if you were…" I have some really interesting conversations these days.

With our crazy weather, I had a day to work on my current project: Plarn (plastic yarn) tote bags!!

Don't worry! In a little bit, you'll get a chance to get your hands on one of these, I promise! In the meantime, please feel free to save any and all plastic grocery bags you come across…and if you feel like mailing them all to me, I wouldn't mind in the least. 

One another note, there are a few other things I wanted to process. 

I feel like I oscillate between wanting to know exactly how my life is going to be played out, and then when God actually shares things with me, I freak out and can't handle the prospects of the future. Thank goodness God is sovereign and knows exactly when to tell me things, but I still struggle with my reactions. 

I've recently observed in my life how often I react negatively to…well, everything. I complain, I stress, I stress-eat, I stress-Zumba, I overanalyze, and I essentially doubt God. I doubt that this was the right thing that should have happened to me, that this was the right circumstance for me, that this was the right way I should be treated. 

I doubt because I believe I am entitled. 

Entitled to reward, entitled to ease, entitled to a break.

And yet I'm sitting in a warm (enough) apartment, I have clothes on my back and in my closet, food in my pantry and fridge, friends to see tonight, and a myriad of non-essentials that give me a life of general comfort. 

Yet I always think I deserve more. The problem is that what I actually deserve is not so good…judgement. Ultimately death.

That is always a good wake up call to my never-ending complaining, my never ending doubt of a loving God who took the ultimate judgment from me and for me. And yet, I still say "Please sir, may I have some more?" (Dickens quotes are always a good crowd pleaser, right?).

Its like that one guy that Jesus helped… "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief."

Lord, I trust you. Help me trust you.

My positive story for the day is that while on the phone, I was told by my favorite 3 year old in the world "I have a kiss for you" and while I couldn't quite hear the aforementioned pucker on the other end, I was assured it happened by the adult in the room with her. Oh how I miss all of you, my dear family and friends. 

Next...

This is a post I've wanted to write for a while. It's filled with things that have made me smile since being back in Ohio. Seeing as how I meant to write this back in October, a few other things have happened along the way that I can add. 

Lets start with good 'ol Dunkin Donuts. They built one down the street from me. And by down the street, I mean within walking distance. Thank you, Jesus!

Getting ready to have the best morning ever.

Do these Ohioans even know what they're in for?

My life is complete and filled with lots of coffee...and less money.

Next…

At work, we have a required spiritual day of rest. We are told to take the day and spend it with Jesus. Its amazing. Last year, I spent the day walking around a beautiful park. This year, I wanted something a little more…reclusive. 

Let me introduce you to "The Refuge".

Can you say cozy? There's a pond outside that window, ducks and rainy day included.

There's a couple just outside of Cincinnati that turned a portion of their house into a suite. They allow anyone who works in ministry to use this suite, free of charge, to recuperate in, and it. Is. Amazing. 
 

Did I mention it was cozy?

Breakfast bar with a Keurig, lots of coffee, and happiness.

See? Wasn't lying about the pond.

Next…

Finally got our apartment together. 

Practically none of this stuff is mine. Thank goodness for a furnished roommate.

Dresser that a coworker gave to me. A tall coworker, so no slouching in front of the mirror. At last.

This isn't currently how the room is set up, but wanted to show off my shelf hanging skills. As well as my bed purchasing skills. Got this at a yard sale for $29.50, then saw the same one for sale at a thrift store for $350.

Bargain of the century, what-what!

Next…

My friends are famous.

Here they are laughing it up, having fun making cotton candy, while I am sweating in the background dishing out snow cones to Harvey Cedars campers that are literally inhaling them and getting back in line for seconds. Is death by snow cone possible? It was a very real possibility that evening.  I exaggerate nothing.

I am also famous...and not just for my upper right arm as I am in the picture above.

No, our eyes aren't glazed over from drug use.

We were on a beach at night and someone took a blinding flash picture. 

I can still see the spots. 

Next…

I was blessed with my Aunt Joanne's bread-maker. I haven't bought a loaf of bread in probably 3 years, and this has made my bread-snobbery oh so much easier. But as you can see, that first piece wasn't exactly the perfect makings of a sandwich…

Yes, its ridiculous. But warmed up with butter? Delicious.

Next…

BSF, as always, is amazing. Coming back to this group with these awesome ladies has been such a blessing. When apartments change and bosses change and churches change, BSF is always the same. 

Also, super cool fruit bowl from an estate sale.

You'd think a blog post that was 3-4 months in the making would have been a little better. But I think that's why I'm taking such a long time to blog. I read so many blogs that are so good, and I feel like I could never write as comical as they do, as deep as they do, or even as grammatically accurate as they do. I'm trying to get past that and assume you will all still love me, even when my sentence-putting-togetherness isn't up to snuff. 

My encouraging ending story is from STARS today. I had a good day. Sometimes, it feels like they're never listening, they'll keep making whatever choices they want, regardless of the kind of advice we try to give them, but today, I was encouraged. Our topic was on media, particularly how ads/tv shows/movies use relationships/sex to sell their product. We talked about a lot of different things and were having a really good discussion, and it seemed they were all understanding what we had to say. Then I mentioned a horrible horror movie my friends in college made me watch so I could encourage them to be bold enough to speak up to their friends if they don't feel comfortable watching something, and at the mention of the movie title, one of my students yelled out "Oh, that's the best movie! You should all watch it!" and I just wanted to yell back "Have you heard anything I've said?!" But there was one student, my quite little anonymously-named student, who looked at me, and smiled. And I knew she listened. I knew she heard my heart and I know she will take what we said and apply it to her life. Being in the business of "seed-planting" stinks. But when you see one little seed take, its a wonderful thing.