Give me strength...

I have two homes, and neither of them are my Eternal Home.

This is causing a lot of internal struggles for me.

I want to be there, I want to be here, and I really want to be There.

I have relationships here that I want to build, relationships there that I want to continue, and it feels like I have to choose because there never seems to be enough time to connect with everyone. I want to call there and talk with people, but in order to fully catch people up on my life, I have to stay in for a night, and in doing so, I can't make plans with people to build relationships here.

And the worst thing of all is that I am causing all of this emotional damage myself.

I am picking up guilt, I am picking up shameful messages of being a "bad friend." I'm caring them around, letting them prevent me from finally calling people when I have the time and preventing me from building relationships here because "I can't keep my old friends, so why make new ones?"

I feel as though I will be forgotten by my dear friends there, and easily over looked by potential friends here.

I have people there telling me they miss me, people here telling me I can't keep one foot there and one foot here, and myself telling me I suck.

What in the world am I supposed to do with that?

I don't have social media, (which probably means no one is even reading this because I can't post it anywhere and I feel narcissistic when I email people the link) and that's for my own sanity, but then I feel so unconnected.

I am trying to make time for everyone as much as I can, but I have voicemails piling up and just don't have the time to call everyone there and do everything here.

I don't have a solution. I don't know how to balance it all. I do know that I have to put down my guilt and put down my shame, but that's where I'm getting caught up. I have so many changes in my life right now and some of the dearest people in the world don't even know about them because we can't connect! How do I not hold onto guilt for that?

I have moved. I moved two and a half years ago, but its as raw as if it was 2 weeks ago. And this is what makes me long for the ultimate There even more...not only will I finally be able to rest at my Savior's feet, but so will all my other friends and we can finally all be together.

I complain about all of these things, and then my dear friend living in China can't even afford paper for the school she directs. There are women walking into our center who have been victims of date rape and are looking for a way to end their pain by ending a life. There are girls being given lies about self-satisfaction and self-empowerment when what they really need is to know they were created with a grand purpose and are loved by Jesus.

And I complain that I don't have time to talk to my friends.

Lord, give me strength.