That one time I couldn't play Halo...

I read something a while back in an article about relationships that has been floating around in my head, and I need to process it out.

I went to find this article again to read the quote that was bothering me, and to also highlight the quote here, but alas, it can't be found. So I'll have to paraphrase to the best of my ability.

It was by a woman who was writing about past experiences and how they have shaped her. She wrote something about allowing a certain guy to become very important to her emotionally because he had shown her a small amount of interest, and since she hadn't been getting interest anywhere else, it came across to her as a large amount of interest and she got hung up on him for way too long, even when he stopped showing interest.

You are not alone, sister.

The reason I wanted to process this here is because as humans, we so easily put others on pedestals because of our perceptions of them. We make assumptions about what they can offer us, about what they're capable of, about their seeming perfection, and all of it is through our eyes and a perception that is skewed and flawed.

I have allowed others opinions of me (the opinions I've assumed they've made, that is...) to dictate how I am going to view myself. What the what, McGillick. That is ridiculous.

I cannot allow choices that others have made to affect me in such drastic ways. The interactions between men and women will always baffle me (and the skill of those interactions will apparently always escape me) but the fact that we can allow such small, insignificant moments of conversation or interactions to transform into large, meaningful moments that fluff our egos or translate as pursuit is even more baffling.

I don't know why I look for approval and affirmation of being a female when I have the love of my Savior and Redeemer and have been called His "bride" and told that He is coming back for me. I don't know why women read into things more than they should with guys.

What I do know is we are all humans, therefore we are all idiots imperfect, and we are going to have imperfect interactions and relationships. My heart aches for other women who have thought something held more potential then it did. Because I know what that feels like. Its terrible. Not just because our pride has been bruised, but because it feels like someone hit a reset button on a game you had been playing and now you have to go back to level one and start all over. And all your friends had been watching you play the game and see that you've been sent back to level one, so they don't know what to do other than offer pity and condolences and tips for how to make it through the first few levels as quickly as possible to get to the level you were at, and you just want to throw the game away and never play again.

And now all I can think about is the time my siblings tried to teach me to play Halo and it ended with me storming out of the room yelling at everyone and throwing my controller behind me as I left, hoping to "accidentally" hit someone with it. I digress....

Why did I need to blog about this? Because I process verbally, and in this case, typographically (Does that word exist? It wasn't underlined in red, so it must. I've impressed myself), and just needed to spit all of that out.

Take from it what you will.

But whatever you do, don't offer pity. This was not a cry of frustration or a cry for help. This was a statement, an observation, a commentary. Maybe even a confession.


Random story from today: I played the "dice game" with my STARS girls today, and its the best game ever. My throat hurts from yelling. If you know anything about me, you know that means I was having a blast. It probably has a real name, but here are the rules. Rule #1: gather a group of people (preferably between 3 and 8). Rule #2: each person playing has a slip of paper. Rule #3: there is one dice and one pen. Rule #4: each player takes a turn rolling the dice. Rule #5: when a player rolls a six, they grab the pen and start writing numbers 1 to 100 on their slip of paper. Rule #6: each player not currently writing continues to try and roll a 6, taking the pen from whoever has it and filling out their own slip of paper. Rule #7: first player to get to 100 wins. Rule #8: watch this video to get excited about playing a game. Rule #8: go play. right now. do it.