I blogged...

So...I'm sure you're all wondering how my summer has gone. Did I achieve my goals? Did I go to the beach? I'm sure you've been dying to know. Well, no and yes. The tan I'm carrying around proves I definitely went to the beach, but life has a way of doing exactly the opposite of what we think it will do, and then adds some chaos and a sprinkle of confusion into the mix.

Overall, it was a wonderful summer. It felt as though I received two months of constant affirmation. Affirmation of who I am as a child of God, affirmation that I am capable, affirmation that I have something to bring to the table. I was in desperate need of it after a year of living with someone who ignored my existence and created an atmosphere of apathy and indifference (towards me and life in general). After ten months, that can take one heck of a toll on a person. So retreating to NJ to be surrounded by friends who appreciated me, family who loves me through my imperfections (yes...as hard as it is to believe, I am not perfect...) was affirming and healing.

I worked on a couple projects...

sorting plastic bags to be turned into plarn...

having to resort plastic bags to be turned into plarn...

As well as this...

A cork board made from a yard-sale-purchased frame and
corks collected from 8 months of working in a restaurant.

My running plans were altered when I burned my ankle while cooking one night (you may have thought it wasn't possible to burn one's ankle while cooking...let me assure you, it is) so putting sneakers on was impossible for a few weeks.

And days upon days were spent lying on the sandy beach, reading and napping, and this is officially the tannest I will ever be in my life. When I got back to work, one of my coworkers (now my favorite coworker...) described me as "brown." Take that Irish ancestry!

And now, I'm back in Ohio. I've been at work 2 days, and God is doing something. I don't understand what is it yet, but it is definitely something. There were quite a few changes at the office over the summer, and I'm not sure how I feel about them yet. And that's about as much as I can go into it right now. 

Here's to yet another season of trusting God because I have no idea what's really going on. 

Positive story of the day: I blogged.

Goals, Spazzing, and Perfection...

I have several goals this summer...

To actually make a habit out of blogging so that I don't run into the dilemma of choosing which 5 events to blog about first when all of them seem so long ago that it doesn't seem worth it to recall the information creatively enough to blog about it.

To get back up to my normal running distance, as well as not look like this when I spit while running...

To read, read, and read, especially since my recent visit to the Hunterdon County Book Fair :)

several of the new additions to my personal library, minus those I
already packed to bring back to Ohio with me...

To spend lots of time with the people I love.

To craft my little heart out.

To take a much needed break from the world of sex education (although my brain is most likely permanently in the gutter, as well as armed and ready to argue--to the death!--about the inappropriateness of our culture with lots of statistics, articles, and personal opinion...).

And to get my beach on!!

I never knew how difficult it would be living in an area where going to the beach just isn't an option. Where its rare for people to have even gone to a beach or swam (swum? swimmed? been in a state of swimosity?) in the ocean. The struggle is real, everyone.

It has been a crazy time at work. We officially ended the STARS program a couple weeks ago, and I will really miss these girls I've gotten to know over the year. My volunteer leaders build relationships with them through their small grou discussions every week, but it usually takes them until about March to really open up with me (the big, scary adult who teaches them...). So it always feels like I'm just finally getting to know them on a personal level when the program has ended and they're hugging my goodbye (and giving me coffee gift cards!! Obvs they're my favorites now). Here are some of the photos from the last week of STARS:

Because the "funny" pictures are always better... and check out the awesome poster they made me!!
They all signed it, and whenever I stare at it reading all of their message,
the rest of the world is a bright shade of pink when I look away from it...

Again, always go with the ridiculous picture...

...especially when the fact that you smacked one of your girls in the face because you're a spaz is captured on film.

This one always gave the sweetest hugs...even though I'm literally kneeling on the floor
in this picturewhile she is standing up...which didn't make for awkward hugs in the slightest....
Also, 6th graders are really really REALLY into photo bombing. I think at least 2 tried
jumping in front of us while we tried to capture this one moment.

Another one of my dear sweethearts. Going to miss them all so much, and I mean that very sincerely.

These girls were huge blessings to me. Headaches on several occasions, but overall, blessings.

Oh so to update from my last blog, going home for the wedding of two of my dear friends was just wonderful (especially after I found out one of my gifts was one of the favorites! For the win. Don't even care if I've just offended someone who thought their gift was awesome. It wasn't as awesome as mine. Deal with it.) I cried way more than I realized I would, not just because it was a wedding and I'm female, but listening to the pastor describe who my friends were and why they so deserved this blessing just threw me over the edge into all sorts of feels. Its wonderful when you can just delight in the fact that you're friends are blessed, weddings rock. Especially the dance parties afterwards!

And yes, I am aware that even after 6 years of dance lessons, I continue to lack the ability of being coordinated while thrashing around on the dance floor, but I couldn't care less. Well, I did have to vacate the dance floor when the Electric Slide came on...there's just an extra beat in that song that I can't seem to comprehend! But it was a wonderful night of good food, friends, laughter, dancing, and celebration.

And then I had another fantastic weekend at home! I've already mentioned the book fair, but did I also mention the largest rummage sale in NJ was also the same weekend??? It was a little difficult to remain standing after rummaging for several hours due to the fact that I spent the previous day packing up Brendan from college and driving home from 5:30-2:30 (pm to am if you were wondering), but after a quick lie-down in the grassy parking lot while my friends and I showed off our spoils, I was good to go! And when I say "go" I mean literally go...exit the rummage sale while I still had enough energy to remain conscious enough to drive myself home.

It was a great weekend filled with lots of friend time, some bro-sis bonding over witty action adventure movies (because who didn't go see Avenger's: Age of Ultron??), and cooking. So obviously leaving to return to Ohio was a little emotionally difficult.

But I can manage because (drum roll please....) I am once again returning to NJ for the summer. It may seem like this was a no-brainer and of course I would be returning home, but actually a lot of thought went into this decision. I really enjoy my job out here; even though I am constantly out of my comfort zone, I'm beginning to see (Let's here a big "finally!" from God...) how I am being used out here, and as frustrating as it can be to live away from my family and friends, I know there is something, well, bigger going on out here that I can really comprehend. So with all that said, it can be very difficult to feel like this is a home away from home when all of my friends live anywhere but Ohio. That's not to say I haven't built relationships out here, but it has yet to feel like it does when I come home to NJ. But I really didn't see the point in staying out here for the summer without a job just for the sake of being out here (of course, it was much easier to come to that realization after I processed that with a million different people...thanks guys), so I made the decision to take advantage of the gift God is trying to give me and have a summer vacation where I want to be.

There's quite a lot to be done at work before it is officially summer for me (and the fact that its been over 85 degrees out here every day this week isn't helping!!) but its so exciting knowing a break is coming.

I would like to ask for your prayers though. Although it may seem like my life is perfect and everything is working out wonderfully (I know, its hard to believe that its not because obviously I always appear to have everything together and am not a spaz...please see above picture of me slapping one of my students if you need a reminder that I actually am...), there are a lot of transitions coming up that I don't have solutions for, and that is weighing quite heavily on my mind. So just lift me up, lay your proverbial hands on me, keep me in your thoughts, whatever christian-ese saying you like best, as long as you talk to Jesus about me...for the prayers of a righteous man avails much!! (how's that for a christian-ese saying? When's the last time you said "avails much" in a normal sentence?)

***side note: I got one of the lowest scores in my Computer Applications class at Central, particularly during our typing lessons. So yeah, I stink at typing. I know you will probably find lots of typos and errors, and yes, I know they are there. They're like my amish quilts...the amish always leave mistakes in their quilts on purpose to symbolize that God is perfect and we can't light a candle to Him. So read my typos in all of their glory, and remember, God is perfect :)

Banner has awakened...

I forgot that I updated my blog and when I logged on I was terribly confused for half a millisecond. I took a break from blogging because I had to focus on surviving. The month of March and I have an interesting relationship. The ups and downs of the temperature are somehow linked to my emotions, and I usually end up blocking most of the month out. So every time March rolls around again, I have no idea what's going on until I look at the calendar, see how far I've come since that dreaded winter solstice and realize winter is actually almost done and my emotional hell with it.

Then enter April, and I feel like the Incredible Hulk when he's just turned back into Bruce Banner...dazed, confused, a little sore from destroying everything in his path, thankful to have "returned," and hopeful about all the things he can get done now that he's in a better state of mind.

So let's get crackin'!

This month is providing ample opportunities for me to experience joy...sweet its-about-freaking-time joy.

My parents came to visit me for the Easter weekend, and we spent most of it eating and reminiscing, so what could possibly be bad about that? Coupled with the celebration of our resurrected Savior?? It was a great weekend.

This coming weekend I will be able to not only visit home and see my friends and family, but I will have the privilege of seeing two very dear friends of mine marry each other. And after my emotional breakdown of seeing so much happiness happen at once with so many of my dearest friends in the same room, the celebratory dance party that will take place afterwards will be the perfect way for me to let out all of my emotional energy.

Non-existant dancing skills + the excitement levels of a post-seasonally depressed hyper extroverted introvert = nothing but good times.

Also, before I get to come home for the marital festivities, I will get to throw my 2nd STARS party for the year. We have rented out the local skating rink, we've collected the permission slips, we've scavenged for free food and snacks wherever we could, and we are ready to party! We're actually combining this event with the other mentoring program in my department, the GIFT program which provides mentors for 8th grade girls, so we think there will be about 100 people in attendance, which blows my Happy Hallow-Thanks-Mas attendance clear out of the water! (Sidenote: I am still super proud of that party, not only in my creative title, but in the fact that my minion costume was such a hit and I could wear it while also eating turkeys made out of Oreos and candy corn while watching a Christmas movie voiced my James McAvoy.) These parties always remind me why I do what I do. I don't have to lead a discussion, I don't have to teach a lesson, I don't have to ration out snacks. I can just hang out with my girls, act like a middle schooler for a couple hours, and make huge strides in building relationships with these students. I canNOT wait!

That's not even all that's happening this month, and instead of writing it all down, I'm going to wait so that I will have to blog again later this month. I really want to make this a habit so that I can keep people in the loop as to what's going on in my life.

Do you know its been 2 years since I first came out here to take this job? Two years of long distance relationships really begins to wear on a person. Two years of feeling like I've just moved, 2 years of not really feeling "at home." Was listening to one of my favorite bands the other day, and this song so perfectly exemplifies how I feel so often out here.

"But you know me too well. I bring it all on myself. Between heaven and hell, I've got no home." Then beginning at 2:04, one of the best instrumental portions of any song ever, especially when played ridiculously loud in the car on the way home from a long day at work. "We wait for love to call us home."

I'm reminded more and more that this just isn't my final destination, and thank God Almighty it isn't. I am waiting for Love to call me home, and until then, I'm doing what He's giving me to do here. And if one of the things He's giving me to do is wait, to be complete in Him by learning patience (James 1:4 anybody??) then I guess that's what I'm going to do.

Looking forward to my long drive in a couple days, and not just because of my obsession with audio books, but so I can spend some quality time basking in the blessings that God is giving me. Weddings, a family that welcomes me home, friends that know me and still love me, and an eternity before me. Who knows what coming up next, but God will certainly not disappoint.

Small Movements...

I am an adult.

I have a big girl job.

I have a desk and an office.

I am known as Miss McGillick most days.

What in the world happened?

I presented my goals as the department head to our board members at their meeting last night, and I was downright professional and charming. Who is this person?

I like my job and what I get to do (even though its exhausting and an introvert's nightmare), but I really miss the days of being a youth leader.

I think of helping out at student ministry back in NJ and I think of running around like an idiot playing some game, making it look like I was having the best time ever so that other kids would want to join in (and secretly enjoying every second because games like handball and ultimate frisbee are amazing), then getting to have deep, intentional, spiritual discussion with a group of ladies I LOVED getting to know, while leading this discussion with one of my best friends, then getting to run around like an idiot again for some kind of indoor game at the end of the night, eating any of the remaining scraps from snack, getting to catch up with all my youth leader friends in the gym while all the students got picked up, then sitting around a kitchen table with said youth leaders while eating freshly popped popcorn and laughing about something that happened earlier that evening or reminiscing about some other youth event.

My life was all about mentoring teens, and I miss that dearly.

Now, I direct a program that mentors teens, and I still get to have some of those cool discussions, but I'm on the facilitating end of things now, not so much the actually-doing end of things (or however else you would say that).

I miss doing the actual mentoring, but God still gives me small doses of it, like getting to lead one of the small groups today at STARS because one of my leaders was sick. Too bad for her, but heck yes for me!

God is still working through me, and hallelujah about that! I really never fully know what I'm doing, and there's something exciting about knowing that I can't really do it, and watching it all still get done because God is amazing and able to have anything He wants accomplished to get done.

He has shown me how much I've grown these past 1.5 years, and it is really awesome how comfortable I am with public speaking now, how confident I can be in front of my peers (or at least pretend to be), how I can lead large, obnoxious gregarious groups of 6th graders, and how I can balance a full-time volunteer position as well as a full-time job. What the what?? I really am an adult.

I am also trying to be more responsible for my personal health, and I've started seeing a physical therapist. I can't even get started on the symbolism of learning to take small steps to fix a large problem...maybe I'll process that some other time. Its very frustrating knowing what the problem is, and knowing that it will take weeks and months of very small movements to fix that one large problem. Can we see the metaphor for life here? Please pray for my patience as I try to take these small steps. The competitive side of me feels like a idiot when I can't seem to do my exercises correctly. Maybe I need to join some kind of recreational sport in the spring to have an outlet for my competitiveness...all the more reasons to get this physical therapy underway!


Positive story for the day?? Well, I had STARS and didn't lose my temper on any of the multiple teens that were being...well...teens, so go me.

Need to get this off my chest...

Apparently today was that day! (see previous post if you have no idea what I'm talking about) I took the time to re-upload some pictures to my more recent posts, so enjoy.

Also, updated my blog! You like? Don't really care if you don't, I do. And after all, blogs are all about narcissism.

Also, was inspired to blog a second time today! I have some stuff I need to get off my chest, so here goes…

Sadness.

Its hard to predict when its going to hit. Even harder to figure out what caused it.

Especially when its unprovoked. Is that the word I'm looking for? Not sure, but that's the best I can come up with.

I heard someone once say that sadness kicks in when we're tired. That's very true. If its been a long week, I can easily be pushed into a melancholy state.

But I wish we were all better at, well, being nice to one another.

Its hard to step out and be an adult, build a community. We all know its hard, so why aren't we all nicer to one another? We don't we encourage one another more often? Why don't we say 'thank you' to people that deserve to be appreciated, why don't we seem to recognize when someone needs to be told 'thank you'?

Why are we so afraid to be the first to "give" in any relationship? Its so much easier to be the one taking, but in order to take, someone needs to give. So instead of giving, we all wander around empty, needing affirmation, because no one wants to be the first to give.

Because when you give, you're not guaranteed a refill, so to speak. When we step up and help someone, we have no idea if they will reciprocate when the time comes, or if they'll just cross over to the other side of the street when they see us coming.

Jesus didn't wait until He was sure that His disciples were going to reciprocate when He reached out to them. He didn't wait to help others until they told Him how they were going to pay Him back. If He did, we wouldn't have the gospels. We wouldn't be saved from eternal separation. We love because He first loved us.

So why is it so freaking hard for us to be kind to one another? It won't bloody kill you to say 'thank you', to let someone in who is trying to merge on the road, to look up from your own space to see the needs of those around you, to anticipate that someone may need help, may need affirmation, may need another person to simply acknowledge their existence. 

I so easily emulate people in social situations. If everyone else is laughing, I'm probably laughing. If everyone else is angry about something, I easily join in without thinking how I really feel about the situation. I know I'm a fairly strong-willed person and not without a backbone (and can be quite loud about my opinions on occasion…oh alright, often…) but my need to please people often overrides that and creates a version of me that simply mirrors the attitudes of others. We can all do this to some extent, but my point here is that when someone else holds back and doesn't affirm me, I in turn hold back my kind words as well. 

If you don't want to reach out and help, I'm not helping either. If you're not going to smile and say hi, I'm not wasting my hellos on you either. If you don't think I'm worth the extra energy it would take to ask how my day is, then I'm not asking you either. I'm not at all saying this is the right way to go about things, but this is what I find myself doing.

Its a ridiculous version of survival of the fittest, where my fallen mind thinks, "Well, if I give first, then they're just going to walk all over me, so I can't be the one to cave first" and I don't want to appear to be weak or at a disadvantage. Its as if we're playing some kind of game to see who can be a jerk the longest. 

I want to stop playing this ridiculous game. Because I'm competitive and I will win, and who wants to win this kind of game??

It takes so much energy to give when someone doesn't return the effort, but isn't that what Christianity is about? I'm not talking about still giving money to someone that repeatedly doesn't pay you back. I am talking about heaping burning coals on someone's head…and for those of you not familiar with that biblical passage, killing someone with kindness. 

When we withhold all kinds of kindness and affection towards other human beings, we rob them of a simple pleasure. We are spreading sadness. Enough days/weeks/months of being ignored by someone takes its toll, and we begin to believe the lie that we aren't worth the effort that affection takes. We believe that we've done something wrong, we aren't likable, we aren't acceptable. 

We need to stop believing those lies about ourselves and recognize that there is the need to stop others from believing those lies as well.

We need to be kinder to one another, we need to pull our heads out of our butts and ask someone else how they are doing, and sincerely! Not just for the sake of asking! 

We all have value, we all have worth. Sadness comes in many forms and can be fed very easily, especially by lies. We need to stop the lies from entering our minds and stop spreading the lies with our apathy towards others. 

Jesus said the most important commandments were to love God with everything we've got, then to love others. So love God, believe what He says about you is true, then love others with that same kind of love.

As far as my positive story for the day, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go...

My Swanson moment...

I had a Ron Swanson moment.

I was trying to upload pictures to my last blog entry, and ended up uploading every single one of my pictures on my computer to google's version of "the cloud." I thought, No big deal, I guess if my computer dies, my pictures will at least be saved. 

But that wasn't quite the end.

My phone (which is apparently way smarter than I realized) started sending me random slide shows of my pictures. And not just any kind of slide show. Very specific slide shows, with titles, correct names of towns where the pictures were taken, and the correct sequence of the pictures that were taken.

The first one was kinda neat, the second one was a little intrusive. But the third one was down right creepy. So the only solution to me was to delete my google account and erase all my pictures I had uploaded. Enter Ron Swanson.

In my haste to preserve my privacy, apparently I deleted all my pictures from my blog. I don't really know what to do.  I could spend my time trying to find those pictures again and upload them again, or I could just forget about it.

Also ended up deleting all the picture from my phone. Like the ones I took when my friend that lives hundreds of miles away in Philly came to visit me. Confounded technology.

Maybe one day when I have absolutely nothing else to do, I'll take the time to try and re-upload the pictures to my blog. Today is not that day.

-21...

*photos accidentally erased from existence*

Currently it is -4 outside right now. Wind chill? -21. Of course I chose the 2 coldest winters to live in the midwest. 

Is it bad that it makes me feel better that the weather is just as bad, if not worse, in NJ? Sorry guys.

As cold and snowy as it is, this was the sunset as I was driving home last night. Had to pull over to get a good shot out the window of my car. Better be thankful for it, took 5 minutes for me to get the feeling back in my hands afterwards (note to self, clean car windows for optimal, 'indoor' photography).

Big girl update: I did my taxes this past weekend. 

For whatever reason, this seemed like one of the adult things that I would never really understand and never know how to do, and would have to depend on others my whole life get it done for me. But thanks to Turbo Tax's free option for Federal and State, I was able to get it done myself. 

Also, found a new family doctor. Its like I'm an adult or something…

During said doctor's appointment, I was asked what my occupation is (by my male, attractive, my-age doctor no less), and then a couple questions later, the obligatory "are you sexually active" question was asked, to which he answered before me with "Oh, well I guess with your job, that'd be kinda not good if you were…" I have some really interesting conversations these days.

With our crazy weather, I had a day to work on my current project: Plarn (plastic yarn) tote bags!!

Don't worry! In a little bit, you'll get a chance to get your hands on one of these, I promise! In the meantime, please feel free to save any and all plastic grocery bags you come across…and if you feel like mailing them all to me, I wouldn't mind in the least. 

One another note, there are a few other things I wanted to process. 

I feel like I oscillate between wanting to know exactly how my life is going to be played out, and then when God actually shares things with me, I freak out and can't handle the prospects of the future. Thank goodness God is sovereign and knows exactly when to tell me things, but I still struggle with my reactions. 

I've recently observed in my life how often I react negatively to…well, everything. I complain, I stress, I stress-eat, I stress-Zumba, I overanalyze, and I essentially doubt God. I doubt that this was the right thing that should have happened to me, that this was the right circumstance for me, that this was the right way I should be treated. 

I doubt because I believe I am entitled. 

Entitled to reward, entitled to ease, entitled to a break.

And yet I'm sitting in a warm (enough) apartment, I have clothes on my back and in my closet, food in my pantry and fridge, friends to see tonight, and a myriad of non-essentials that give me a life of general comfort. 

Yet I always think I deserve more. The problem is that what I actually deserve is not so good…judgement. Ultimately death.

That is always a good wake up call to my never-ending complaining, my never ending doubt of a loving God who took the ultimate judgment from me and for me. And yet, I still say "Please sir, may I have some more?" (Dickens quotes are always a good crowd pleaser, right?).

Its like that one guy that Jesus helped… "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief."

Lord, I trust you. Help me trust you.

My positive story for the day is that while on the phone, I was told by my favorite 3 year old in the world "I have a kiss for you" and while I couldn't quite hear the aforementioned pucker on the other end, I was assured it happened by the adult in the room with her. Oh how I miss all of you, my dear family and friends.