You Know What They Say...

What should I say? Sometimes it feels like I need to have an amazing thought or an epiphany of some kind in order to blog. What if I just had some questions?

What if I just rambled on and on and on?

What if I could reach someone else through my ramblings?

Most times I search for blog entries of women in similar circumstances as me, looking for advice, encouragement, and to be honest, answers. But who's lives are ever the same? And who ever has the perfect answers that we need?

None of the blogs I read are similar at all. Its easy for me to lump these women into categories and group them into what I would call "similar" life circumstances, but if I ever met them in real life, I'm sure they would be appalled at my assumptions about their lives. And to quote my all time favorite tv show "You know what they say when you assume?" "No, what do they say?" "Well…you…shouldn't." "Clever."

I assume that these women have their lives together, and sit back in the glow of a sunset, reminiscing over the days events, and type up eloquent summaries of the day, loading artsy pictures they have easily taken throughout their day (because they are all skilled photographers), and happily type all of these events up, post their blog, then continue on into their evenings, that are probably filled with all sorts of wonderful things. 

They would probably laugh, then have to run after their children to put them to bed, or begin a work assignment they left until the last minute, or spend their only spare moments of the day to clean or fold the leaning tower of laundry that has piled up in the laundry room. That'd be nice because it would mean we were actually peers. 

Not that I have my own children to chase, or that I even have a full-time job that would require me to bring assignments home, but it would mean they were normal. That they were only sitting at the computer, writing about their lives, to escape for a few moments and let their creative juices flow into the world wide web and try to write something that might be able to encourage someone. Not that I'm claiming that I encourage anyone with my "writing." I don't know if it helps writing in a private journal or on a public blogging site, but it does help me process what is going on in my life when I can take a moment and assess whats happening around me. And from my blog entry history, that doesn't seem to happen too often.

But. 

The good news is my journal has never been fuller (More full? At it's fullest? Whatevs...). I have written more in the last 3 months than I have since January. Know what that means? That I'm dealing with my problems, sitting down and writing about what I'm thinking/feeling/dreading/hoping/weeping/anticipating, instead of what I would normally do and thats check out with a good book or an episode of the aforementioned Gilmore Girls. I am dealing with things.

I know, I know, its like I'm growing up. Well, I did just turn 26. Thats a big deal, you know. Instant adult, just add coffee.

"Practical" Planning...

What am I waiting for?

Why I am holding back? 

What am I afraid I will miss? 

Why can't I take a leap of faith? 

When did Jesus ever say, "Now hold on, don't get too rash, I want you to think through the next 2 years, plan them out for yourself, then get involved when you feel comfortable." 

But I live my life as if that's what I'm to do! I can't tell the difference between practical planing and taking a risk. Why were we given the ability to plan? To think ahead? To think for ourselves? It keeps getting me into trouble. I plan things out in my head, sometimes telling others, but I've learned to do that less and less so I have fewer conversations that being "So remember when I said I was going to go here and do this? Yeah, well, I'm actually…." But I still have that conversation with myself and that is proving to be just as difficult! I think things in my life are going a certain way, so I adapt to that way of thinking, only to realize thats not where they were going at all and I have to not only change my attitude, but change the plans I've made for my life 4 years down the road! Remember a post about being an over-analyzer? Yep, I'm still carrying that thorn around, and I'd love to be rid of it. 

But then where would trust play in? 

I would never be taking a leap of faith…I would be moving from event to event, never learning to trust in the One higher than me, the One who invented analysis, the One who put that in my brain. 

I don't want to be Paul. Paul lived an uncomfortable life. He was beaten constantly, lived on the road, was shipwrecked, left for dead, homeless at times, friendless at others, but so passionate for his God that he didn't care. Left for a city in which everyone around him begged him not to go for fear he would die there, embraced death over and over again, and has changed the lives of anyone who has read his letters. I don't want a cushy life, the 9-5, the house and mortgage, the 2 car garage filled with crap. I want to change people's lives. I'm not saying you can't change people's live when you live in a house, have a steady job, and obey the law by paying taxes…I'm saying I'm glad He hasn't called me to a life in the business world. Praise the Lord I know at least that much. 

Now if I just knew to stop digging my heels in and see where God could be leading me on the quest for purpose and identity in Him, I could experience some awesome things. My quest may lead to a trip to some other country, to a realization that I'm to stay in the US, or even to build relationships with certain people…I will never know until I'm there. 

God, you know I want to arrive at Heaven sweaty and exhausted. You also know how much I hate unnecessary physical exertion. But its not unnecessary. I can't believe the lie that it is. Its Your kingdom, its Your heaven here on earth. Its Your will, not mine. Let me live in it all the days of my life.

Beauty in Waiting...

There may be something to this whole "don't worry" thing…

Because it seems lately all the things I concern myself a little too much about turn out non-eventful, or even positively. 

And the things I think I'm ready for? Stressing about whether or not I am ready and whether or not life circumstances should take place in my life…all that does is cause stress. Concerning myself about any event in particular does not actually effect the outcome of that effect! Why haven't I been able to grasp this?

That's my thorn, my stumbling block…worrying.

It used to be the sleep-stealing, joy-robbing, food-is-my-only-comfort, acne-inducing part of my life I just accepted.  Since giving my life to God and asking Him to use it as He sees fit, I still worry, I still stress, I still let my joy get temporarily borrowed from me, but I am a little more aware of the light at the end of the tunnel now. I can get out of my patterns of stress and reverse the downward spiral before it gets too far. And when I can't, He usually puts someone in front of me that yanks me out, even if I go kicking and screaming…or most recently, crying and weeping. But I come out, and thats the important thing. 

Here's something that was joyful for me, a real-life example God decided to show me of waiting and not stressing. I love when He does stuff like that…when I'm feeling extra stressed I usually hate it because something about wallowing in my grief and worry can be comforting in a sick way and I don't want to leave what is familiar to me; but He patiently waits for me to see. And this is what I saw…

A bush, right? Some kind of weed maybe? Well, lets look under the leaves...

There they are...beautiful, ripe strawberries. 

Its deceiving, the large green leaves that don't look enticing. But then when you take a closer look, you see something worth your while. Worth bending down and picking. Nothing in the supermarket compares to these. And want to know the kicker? YOU CAN'T PICK THEM UNTIL THEY'RE READY. Me standing over them stressing about if they're ready won't make them grow faster. It won't deepen the red color, it won't make the sun extra strong and jump start photosynthesis, providing these plants with extra energy to create these wonderful treats. It will do nothing. They will ripen when they ripen. Their time will come when their time comes. 

And when their time comes, it doesn't seem to stop. You could probably pick twice a day during the peak of the season. And the trick is to enjoy it as it comes and while it lasts, not worrying about its ending, not worrying about its abundance or lack there of. Not worrying. Not concerning myself with the ones that aren't ready yet. Because guess what? When they're ready to be picked, I'll know. And until then, they'll just keep growing until they're ready. Its like God's trying to tell me something....

Ever eaten a strawberry thats not ripe? If you have, you'll make sure it never happens again. They're best tasting when they are perfectly ripe.  

Why do I try to rush my life? Why do I worry over things that haven't happened yet, when there's a reason they haven't happened yet...I'm not ready. And when I am ready?

There will be results. And they will be bountiful.

Beauty...its in the waiting...

Are We There Yet?

This question used to cost me a quarter when I rode in the back seat of my parents cars. I guess five kids asking that same question over and over again can drive a parent crazy. When we began a family vacation, we'd all pile into the car and were given each a roll of quarters, and anyone that asked "Are we there yet?" or started a fight, or said anything that was unpleasant to our parents ears, had to give up one of their quarters. Whatever we had left could be used towards souvenirs or snacks or anything our hearts desired that trip.

Thank goodness God doesn't use this same tactic.

I'd owe Him....everything.

"Am I there yet?" "Is this where You want me?" "Is this what I should be doing right now?" Don't even get me started on the other unpleasant things I've said....

Quarter, quarter, quarter....

And yet, instead of taking, He just keeps giving. Its so hard to remember how much He gives when all I can see are the empty spaces--in my life, in my wallet, in my schedule. And lack always seems to spur on doubt. "Is this right? Is this where I am supposed to be?"

Even when He's told me where to be, I seem to put a time limit on it. "Ok God, I've been here a while now, where to next?" Why am I always trying to speed up time? Jump to the next thing? Why was I made a planner? I'm sure that gift comes in handy sometimes, but most of the time its my stumbling block. If I'm not headed somewhere, it feels like I'm not anywhere, while all the time I'm right where He wants me...not confusing at all, right?

Its a strange thing, this whole 25 year-old thing....when I was in grade school, it was always "Where are you going? What do you want to be when you grow up?" In high school, it was "What career do you want? What college are you going to?" In college, "What are you majoring in? What job are you going to get?" After college, "Where are you working? What are you doing with your education?" And now, nothing. Always, since grade school, we were asked "What's next?" Now, when all of those steps have been walked through, I'm the one asking "What's next?" I've always had to answer that question, so no wonder I can't escape it now. There's nothing wrong with planning or thinking ahead to the future, but losing sleep, losing sanity, does not help me find the answer. It just causes doubt to take hold of me and question everything I've done up to this point. And that is not helpful in the least.

There is relief knowing that God knows whats next, but all that seems to do is cause me to constantly ask the million dollar question...."Am I there yet?"

Silence.

But I can not take that as abandonment. Only that we will never really be "there" until heaven, and even then we have an eternity to figure out what "there" even means.

A dear friend of mine recently told me a piece of advice she heard once..."Do whatever God told you to do last."

So any silence or lack of response I think I'm receiving isn't a lack of response at all, I just haven't received my new"assignment." I don't recall Moses asking for a 10 year plan from God when he was on his way to Egypt. I don't believe Abraham asked for a detailed report on what life was going to be like once he sacrificed Isaac. They just acted on faith. They believed what God told them to do, and kept doing it until God gave them new direction.

I can't keep asking what the next step is until I've learned all that He wants me to learn on this step. If God didn't want us walking step be step, He'd have built us with the ability to disappear and reappear wherever we wanted. And when He wants to spirit me away like he did to Philip in Acts 8, then I'll be ready and willing. But until then, I MUST remember it is one. step. at. a. time.

Here's to owing one less quarter to God....

God, Cover Me...

Why is it socially unacceptable to speak the truth in every situation?

Why is it socially acceptable to lie to everyone's faces?

Why are there repercussions for truth-telling?

There are obviously repercussions for telling lies, but everyone knows thats only true for politicians that get caught (keyword being 'caught') or children who sneak candy when they've been told not to.

No wonder everyone who lived in this society hated Jesus when He walked the earth. No wonder so many people still don't care for him. He spoke the truth.

I can't say what I know I must say because I'm afraid of the repercussions, and then I actually have more to deal with emotionally when I don't speak my mind. Oh, that I could empty my mind and start over, without the negative effects of the world. Without social norms dictating my thoughts. Without society, one thats broken and fallen and selfish, forcing my viewpoint to bend a certain way. Without claims of hypocrisy--when did I ever say I was perfect? 

Oh God, how did You ever walk among the people you created, the same ones that have denied your existence and claimed all of your works, how did You do it? People may claim that if they were in Your place, they would have been violent, or would have yelled and proved their power. I would have cried. I would have weeped. I would have given up. I would never have tried to create anything again. I would have felt so discouraged. I can't even fathom that pain….

But You didn't. You made a way for every single one of us to spend eternity with You. 

You are stronger

You are stronger

Sin is broken

You have saved me.

Thank goodness those lyrics are true. He is stronger than us. Than anyone. He created strength. He is strength. He did the unthinkable and not only forgave us, but took our place in His own system of judgement. Who does that?

My Jesus does. Waiting for that day when I will actually be standing in front of Him, complete, is getting harder and harder. There was a time when eternity scared me, and still does if I think about it too hard. But thats because the only life I know, we all know, is this horrible one. Where people hurt each other. Where people steal, maim, kill, torture, abuse each other. 

This new life will be in the direct presence of God. God…our Father, Creator, King. 

I must try harder to bring that Kingdom to this earth. I must. We all must. 

God, cover me….I'm going in.

Like a Weaned Child...

A walk prompted these thoughts.

A walk with my (almost) 2-yr old roommate.

A walk in which the stroller was forgotten.

However, walking along the river with my escort holding onto my mittened hand was better than any brisk walk I could have imagined. All he needed was contact with my hand, and he was content.  It wasn't a firm grip, but a constant one. One that felt calm and sure as long as my hand was there.  If our hands were slipping apart (and both being covered by mittens, this happened quite a few times), I would adjust and tighten our hold. 

Then entered this verse…

"But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me" Psalm 131:2.

What do weaned children do? Walk steadily by their mothers, holding hands. Are content as long as their mothers are near. Aren't willing to let mom get too far out of sight.

Thats how we are supposed to be with our Father.

My soul should be in constant need of contact with God. And He holds up his end of the bargain too…

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you'" Isaiah 41:13.

So its Him and me, walking through this life, Him holding my hand and readjusting when I start to let go, Him always looking ahead for bumps or obstacles, holding me up when I need the support, escorting me through life. 

I must continue to hold on. He is never far from us. We don't have to find Him or search for Him. We must simply turn and embrace Him.

"When I go down

I lift my eyes to you

I won't look very far

Cause You'll be there

With open arms

To lift me up again"

When I Go Down-Relient K

Whens and Whys...

When do I get to stop worrying about everyone else?

When will I not have to keep making excuses for everyone?

When will it be someone else's job to make sure I'm ok? To ask what I want to do? To be there for me…forever? 

When do I get to stop putting others ahead of me?

When will I finally get to speak my mind?

Why can't anyone read my mind?

Why can't I say what I want to when I want to and have it come out exactly as I mean?

Why?

Why do I need these things?

Why can't I get by knowing that God loves me and He's always there for me? Why is that so hard to remember?

I don't want to be a forgetful hearer…

"But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does." James 1:25.

Why can't I live like this always? Why doesn't everyone else live this way? Why can't we all stop being so selfish?

Why does it always feel like we are doing it alone? 

I wonder what Jesus felt like walking on the earth…the one He created….walking amongst those He created….the same ones He knew would want Him dead.  How did it feel leaving the physical presence of God and entering the fallen world, entering time, entering a domain that didn't acknowledge it's King. 

No one thought of Him when it counted. No one could read His mind. No one put His every need first. 

And not only did He put others before Him, love those who didn't understand Him, live with those who asked Him ridiculous questions constantly….He died for them. So He could spend eternity with them. With me. With you. 

Why?

Love.

Unconditional love…something I don't understand at all. Something I don't deserve.  Something I don't give. Something I must give. Because its given to me. "For I have given you an example. That you should do as I have done to you." John 13:15.

Why is it so hard?

I need my helper…."And I will pray to the father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever" John 14:16. Forever. I like that. Thats my only hope of doing this…at all…in my own confused, sinful, human, selfish way. 

Help me, Father. Help me remember the truths you've given me, so I don't depend on the ones I won't receive from the world. Help me. 

"Blessed is she who believed…" 

Foolishness of God...

Hello. My name is Allie. I am an over-analyzer. 

Hi Allie…

You name it, I've over-analyzed it. I hear this is a problem with many people, and I've over-analyzed whether they experience it as bad as me, because our problems are never experienced by anyone else in the entire world. Ever.

Yeah, right. 

Back to reality…

So I over-analyze. What's the worst that could happen? Some sleepless nights? A few headaches? Doubts about my entire existence? It gets pretty serious, pretty quickly. 

Then God enters the picture. As I write this an instrumental version of "In The Arms of the Angel" is playing over my George Winston Pandora station, and not that I imagine a guardian angel watching over me, but rather I am reminded of an even greater Being holding me in His arms…my ever-loving, eternal, heavenly Father. He promises that He hems me in, behind and before me, that He lays His hand upon me (see Psalm 139). He never lets go.

This is why my life appears to be….wrong. This is why I live a seemingly backwards life.  This is why the advice of the world doesn't usually help me.

This is why I was so comforted by God's Word today. 1 Corinthians 1:25 reads, "Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men."

Wait, what?

Yup.

What appears to the world to be foolish is actually genius, and what appears to be weak will break the most powerful stronghold. 

Thats the God we serve.  

Someone recently said to me, after seeing God at work in her life, "What just happened?"

He doesn't make sense…to the world. He doesn't play by the rules….of the world. He loves those who are unloveable. He comforts those who have no shoulder to cry on.  He uses people like me to share His gospel and show His love….and that is the most confusing thing about Him. 

Thats when faith comes into play.

Its more than believing in something you can't see, its more than trusting a situation will work out in the end….its believing I am redeemable. Its trusting God that I am usable. Its living out that belief every day. Its telling myself "I can do it!" because I have God, and greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4).

That which appears foolish is wise, and that which appears weak is strong. Let it blow your mind.  Let it change your life. Let it lead you where He wants you to be.

Let's live a backwards life. Let's confuse the world.

25

"I feel it now at twenty-five, yeah I've been dying since the day I was born…."

I just read these lyrics to a song titled 'Every Second' by "The Vocal Few."

Its as if they wrote that song for me. 

If I stop to think about it, which is why I try to keep busy, I feel as though I've reached the pinnacle of my life. What else could there be? What else could there possibly be?

You would keep busy, too, if this is where your mind went whenever it had a moments peace.

Why is it so hard to be patient? Patient for events to come about. For friends to visit. For life milestones to be reached. For a husband. A job. A calling. A reason. Purpose.

Why is it so hard to be patient?

Lack of patience then seems to turn into doubt…doubt that those things will never occur. After waiting long enough, its easy to believe I will simply always be waiting. Until I learned recently that Abraham (yes, that famous one from the Bible) waited, too. He waited for a promised son. A son God said would be the start of a nation. A son that answered all of Abraham's prayers, hopes, dreams, purpose. Want to guess how long he waited for this son?

Yep. Twenty-five years.

I can't wait for an egg to cook sometimes, let alone 25 years for a promise. 

Twenty-five years, and then Abraham's promised gift came. And at 25 years of age, I think my life is as good as its going to get? I make myself sick….

"Blessed is she who had believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45.

I must believe. I will believe. I will forget. But then, my God, my patient Father, the One who invented time, will lovingly remind me. I will remember. I will believe. 

Twenty-five. The years a man waited for his promise. The years he probably forgot, and remembered, and forgot, and remembered to trust God. 

Twenty-five. My entire life….so far. "Blessed is she who believes…." I will believe.