Whens and Whys...

When do I get to stop worrying about everyone else?

When will I not have to keep making excuses for everyone?

When will it be someone else's job to make sure I'm ok? To ask what I want to do? To be there for me…forever? 

When do I get to stop putting others ahead of me?

When will I finally get to speak my mind?

Why can't anyone read my mind?

Why can't I say what I want to when I want to and have it come out exactly as I mean?

Why?

Why do I need these things?

Why can't I get by knowing that God loves me and He's always there for me? Why is that so hard to remember?

I don't want to be a forgetful hearer…

"But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does." James 1:25.

Why can't I live like this always? Why doesn't everyone else live this way? Why can't we all stop being so selfish?

Why does it always feel like we are doing it alone? 

I wonder what Jesus felt like walking on the earth…the one He created….walking amongst those He created….the same ones He knew would want Him dead.  How did it feel leaving the physical presence of God and entering the fallen world, entering time, entering a domain that didn't acknowledge it's King. 

No one thought of Him when it counted. No one could read His mind. No one put His every need first. 

And not only did He put others before Him, love those who didn't understand Him, live with those who asked Him ridiculous questions constantly….He died for them. So He could spend eternity with them. With me. With you. 

Why?

Love.

Unconditional love…something I don't understand at all. Something I don't deserve.  Something I don't give. Something I must give. Because its given to me. "For I have given you an example. That you should do as I have done to you." John 13:15.

Why is it so hard?

I need my helper…."And I will pray to the father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever" John 14:16. Forever. I like that. Thats my only hope of doing this…at all…in my own confused, sinful, human, selfish way. 

Help me, Father. Help me remember the truths you've given me, so I don't depend on the ones I won't receive from the world. Help me. 

"Blessed is she who believed…"