One Good Slap...

Even trying to figure out how to write down what has transpired these past couple of weeks overwhelms me. God is definitely doing something crazy.

I taught. In a real school. In a high school. With a real class.

I really must be an adult now....

My first two days were canceled because of snow...and because God loves me. I was most definitely not ready to begin that first day. So He gave me a couple days to really wrap my mind around what was to happen.

That still didn't help.

The point of this class was to teach a group of high school students the abstinence awareness presentation my coworker and I have created so they can travel with us to different schools and present the information themselves. Its a really cool way to get them involved, and to help the students we are presenting to feel a little more comfortable.

Sounds easy right? Well, maybe if you had a teaching degree, teaching experience, or even knew how to write a proper syllabus.

I went to college to be a dolphin trainer...so yeah, I was a little out of my element.

The first couple of days were okay, and then, Friday happened. I hit a wall. All I could see was how awesome the other teachers were, how prepared they were, how comfortable they seemed teaching their students. My projector wouldn't work, my computer wouldn't let me check my email, and I couldn't log into the system to report grades or attendance.

I was feeling beyond incompetent.

I am a perfectionist, I want to do the BEST I can, and I want to be the best there is at...well...anything. So imagine my attitude at the end of this first week. NOT GOOD.

I had a wonderful conversation though with a new friend, and since I only seem to process things verbally with other people, as I was talking with her, I realized why I was hating this teaching gig and why my attitude was so terrible.

I was playing the comparison game, and boy, was I losing. And we all know how much I like losing....

I was comparing myself to the other teachers; you know, the ones with the teaching degrees and the years of experience, and the working computer systems.  Next to them, of course I would look like a loser. I was.

But this is the year that doesn't make sense. Nothing I have done so far has made any bit of sense, so why would it make sense that I be a teacher, too? It doesn't, it won't, and that realization set me free.

I have no idea how I got into the school, I had no idea what I was doing, but God was using me and I was teaching them, and things were still getting done. Once I stopped comparing myself to the other teachers, I realized I could just do my own thing, and it didn't matter. I had control of a classroom, and if I saw fit to teach something, I taught it.

All you teachers and education people are probably cringing, but I don't care. I did what I wanted, I taught what I wanted, I gave grades, I took attendance, and the class is done. I SURVIVED. And I think the kids actually enjoyed it. The students really seemed to bond with each other, and I realized I really enjoyed being able to teach them.

But once again, this has shown me that this year just won't make sense, and I need to accept that and move on to the next ridiculous thing God has in store for me. I was sitting in our prayer session at work this morning (we meet every Thursday morning to pray) and it hit me that I had been here for a while now, and I was actually accomplishing something. I was doing what God has brought me here to do! I've gone into the schools to teach kids about abstinence, I've run an after-school program and bonded with 80ish girls, I've taught a real-live class, and even though I've sucked at it most of the time, it still all got done! God is actually using me! I think for the first time I get that whole "boast in Christ" thing. I literally am the last person that should have this job...my experience is all volunteer based, my personal experience with the topic I teach on is non-existant, my fears of people and responsibility should have crippled me into never getting in front of anyone to talk, and my problem with authority should render me incapable of working for anyone.  BUT IT HASN'T. I'm actually doing what God has brought me here to do, who would have thought?!

Knowing that I don't have to even know what I'm doing and God will still use me is beyond freeing. Its...optimistically amazing. I don't know if that even makes sense, but thats how it feels. I can be optimistic about work because I know God has used me and will keep using me.

The next step?? Put this optimistic attitude into my personal life...pessimism is still reigning/raining down, and it's exhausting waiting for the sky to fall. Its so easy for me to point out other people's lack of faith or doubt, and you might as well call me Thomas (even though I hate it when people say that because the poor guy has one moment of weakness where he doubts, and some "friend" of his writes about it in the most poplar, best selling book of all time...not cool gospel writers...not cool...). But really, I talked about perspective with my STARS girls today, and I need someone to slap me upside the face with a two by four to get it into my brain that I need some perspective, too!

I can excel at work because I know God is working in me, so why wouldn't He be working in me in stuff not just related to work? Why would He leave me stranded on my own to figure everything else out...car trouble, housemates, boys, volunteer work, budget, church, friends...He says He's with me always, that I can cast all my cares on Him, that I can take His yoke, give up my sin-enslaved life, and find life in Him.

Really, all I need is someone to drive over here, give me one good slap across the face, and maybe it'll finally sink in. Any takers??


Remember that time I almost signed up for Teach For America??? What was I thinking???

Not-so-plain Jane...

So I haven't blogged in a while...I know this. Still not really feeling any deep inspiration to delve (is that even a word?) into the past few weeks of my life. Its been a little messy recently, and I don't feel like hashing things out.

So instead, I'm going to tell you about this super awesome book/journal thing I have.

I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine, you may have heard of her...

Say hello to Jane.

(Side note: You will be my friend forever if you can
tell me what the furry white thing in the background is)

What each page looks like....

Every night before I go to bed, I spend a few minutes with my friend. She's always much wiser than I am, and so much more atriculatory than I can be (maybe not as creative with words though...).

She give me a little glimpse into her life, and encourages me with her observations on humanity. She never takes people too seriously, and can always find joy in the mundane and ordinary.

She's been quite a comfort to me lately, especially since everything in my life seems to keep shifting and changing. She always stays the same, and her advice spans across generations and it is just as applicable today as it was when she wrote it years ago.

I find comfort in the fact that she, too, is very entertained by people and their oddities. She finds the proud amusing, the "poor" enlightening, and the ordinary extraordinary.

It's so great to get a little bit of that each night.

Now what I don't want you to think is that this is my new Bible or anything....I know the the ultimate  stability in my life is Jesus, and I am definitely tighter with Jesus that I am with Jane. But she's been a great does of reality and humor in my life right now, and I'm loving the time we spend together. 

As long as I don't get quite as bad as the character in this movie (though her quote on fictional men is truth...preach it sister!)...no cardboard cutouts of Mr. Darcy are in my house (...yet...).


Remember that time Jane said, "The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid"? Tell us how you really feel, Jane....

Stickittothemaneoisis...

So I know I should blog...

But sometimes its really hard to sit still and look at my life and what's been going on.

Thats when I start feeling blue. Just call me Madam Blueberry....

Its not that life is bad right now, or that I have any specific reason to feel so...blah. But when I sit still and analyze things that have been going on, thats when I begin to over-analyze whats going on, and then think really hard about how things were, and then a party starts. Not a fun party though. The kind of party that is saturated in selfishness, with a dap of despair...the pity party. Almost like a me-party, but not as fun and with less dance numbers.

It usually comes when I don't have anything to do. What the heck is up with that? Why do I have to keep going, at a lightening speed, filling every spare moment with some sort of activity to escape any sort of alone time because optimism only seems to accompany busyness in my life. Again, what the heck is up with that??

Don't get me wrong, work has been great. However, along with all the greatness, its been exhausting (especially when I forget to take my vitamins in the morning....confounded...) and all I look forward to doing is laying around, only wanting to worry about what food I'll eat and what movie I'll watch. And then when I actually get a few hours to myself, I just think I'm a lazy, depressive, tired, indecisive blob. Again, WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH THAT?

So I'm taking back my alone time, refusing to let a foreign, untraceable pessimistic attitude destroy any amount of rejuvenation that could come from a few moments of rest. So there, Debby Downer.

I think I've come down with a case of stickittothemaneosis...

So now onto my blogging. Which I WILL do despite the fact that it will cause me to analyze my life, but I don't have to be afraid of that because I am actually doing a really good job at life these days. Like I said, work has been really good.

STARS is officially running now, and that meets 3 times a week at 3 different schools. AND (man, I'm really into cap locks today...) the exciting part is that I have my own small group during our STARS program on Tuesdays! Normally, that part is for just the college students, but fortunately, we didn't have enough college students to help out, and there are 30-40 students for me and my 3 leaders. 35ish students + 3 leaders = a fulfilled and happy Allie. So not only do I get to interact with about 90 students every week, but I get to have about a dozen of them all to myself. Yay for an opportunity to force my overflowing love on unsuspecting students.

Allie's job part II is also going quite well. Amber (the coordinator for the Worth Waiting For ministry) has been sent directly from God to not only fulfill her calling with this ministry and to spread a message that teens need to hear about sexual activity, but even more so to be my affirmer and encourager when I let worries and pressures make me doubt the vision I have for this program. Changes are a'coming, and we're the ones bringing them. That isn't always appreciated. I'm beginning to expect the following reply whenever I ask why we do things a certain way at work: "Because that's how we've always done it." That just makes it a little more interesting for us though, and they haven't stopped us yet :)

So what else then.... I don't know, why do you even read this?? I feel like this is a narcissist's dream, an outlet for them to write on and on and on about themselves, expecting people to read and appreciate every self-centered word. 

Sorry, the aforementioned Debby returned there for a bit, but I shut her up with a resounding "Who cares, you're not forcing anyone to read this, and people DO like me and want to know what's been going on in my life lately!" So yeah, continuing on in updating you on my life...

As I said, my weekends have been relatively full as of late. First, I went to Liberty University with Diane to visit the Southridge tribe. That was fantastic and overwhelming and wonderful, all at the same time. Then the next weekend, a fair amount of time (4-5 hours...) were spent in a used book store in Xenia. This place is (get ready for it, I'm about to use cap locks again) AMAZING. Its run by a guy that I'm pretty sure has read every single book in the store, and can give you not only a summary of the book, but a personal biography of the author, with at least 3 other recommendations. So yeah, that was pretty awesome. Then, the next weekend Marilyn and Richard McGillick traveled west to visit their Ohio-dwelling children. That was also a fantastic weekend, filled with food, flea markets, food, an air-force museum, food, food, and food. I literally still have leftovers. Since that weekend, life feels a little more normal here amongst the cornfields. Something about laying on your bed watching TV with your mom just makes the world better. Then, the weekend after that, I went "camping" with my dear friend Faith. I have a humorous anecdote from that weekend. I'll try to make it as dramatic realistic as possible...

Scene: Faith and I have arrived at a campsite about an hour outside of Pittsburg. Its dark, late, and we are delirious from being reunited once again. 

We decide to make a fire. 

Attempt number one. Lousy. 

Its okay though, because we know that someone somewhere has filmed themselves making a fire and was proud enough of their accomplishment to show the world via their Youtube account. 

Mr. Wilderness Explorer demonstrates for us how to properly build a fire, assuring us it will burn. We blindly trust him, build our fire, and set fire to it. 

It doesn't light.

I decided to mimic the way I've seen my dad build fires in our fireplace at home. Probably would have helped if we were in a house with a fireplace. Our in the wilderness, the same principles don't hold up.

Attempt number 3 was a fail. 

At this point, we're still tired, still delirious, but getting more and more pissed off at nature for not just creating a fire for us so that we could enjoy a perfect night in each other's company while eating s'mores. 

It was then I heard the other campers around us. We had decided that it would be terribly awkward to barge in on someone's personal campsite, as well as potentially life-threatening to appear to be 2 helpless girls out in the wilderness, but since moving out and starting a new life, I could care less about appearing awkward, and we had a door that locked on our cabin, and I knew I could scream pretty dang loudly, and I was taught how to rip out a man's eyeballs and punch through his throat from one session of self-defense class about 2 years ago. So I decided to venture into our neighbors campsite and ask for their help. 

I walked through the woods, calling out "Excuse me, sirs!" to our neighbors, informed them of our difficulties, made a joke about our incompetence, and they took enough pity on us to come over and help.

They looked to be two lumberjacks on vacation for a weekend in the woods. We were nervous, but saw they each had wedding rings on, so we trusted they wouldn't attack us and drag us into the woods and put a damper on our weekend together. 

As soon as they walked over and saw our fire-making attempt, they started laughing. At this point, I didn't care though because the inferno I saw at their campsite was too alluring, and I wanted them to duplicate their efforts for us. We exchanged names, and Greg and Rodney began making our fire. 

Rodney goes to retrieve more wood, and Greg begins to LITERALLY rip apart, with his bare hands, the logs we currently had in order to make kindling. I immediately regretted asking them to come help us, but reassured myself that I could still rip his eyeballs out if it came to it, and just trusted that he would only ever use his strength to provide camp fires for newbie-campers and never on innocent lives. Good thing he was just a nice guy. So Rodney returns with about 8 times the amount of wood we originally had (what, you need more than 5 logs?), Greg creates more kindling, they build our fire, set fire to it, we watched it burn... "as I touched your face!"....sorry, I don't think its possible to avoid an Adele reference when talking about fire. Anyways, we watched it burn, thanked them for their efforts they retreated to their campsite, and we finally got to sit in front of the fire and just enjoy being together.

End scene.

So now, I will give you a glimpse into all of these events with a few pictures. I don't have one from the weekend with my parents (maybe you guys want to email me those??), but I'll give you what I have so far.

Small group time at STARS! This is our group on Wednesdays.

And a montage of our trip to Lynchburg....

Uber excited to leave Ohio and visit friends!!

Who doesn't need 4 separate baskets of chips when you go out to a mexican restaurant?

Because when we go to a hockey game, we only take picture of ourselves, not the game...even when a fight breaks out right in front of us...on the ice, not in the stands...

Two words. Cook. Out.

We took a picture because we basically wore the same thing, but I liked this one better than the pretty posing one. It stemmed from the wind creating a gaucho effect on our skirts, and we couldn't stand for that, now could we...

My new favorite place in Ohio...

Because who doesn't take a picture outside of their favorite used book store??

And onto the wilderness adventure...

Had to include a picture of the Greg-Rodney fire. Thanks guys.

Breakfast time...this moment brought to you by Keurig...thank goodness for our cottage and it's power outlet.

Being hardcore with our toast-making...and by hardcore, I mean ridiculous of course.

Never mind, not ridiculous, definitely hardcore...I mean, we made toast without a toaster. 

Found a town to walk through that had Christmas-themed shops open. We were 99.9% sure this is the town "Gilmore Girls" based "Stars Hollow" after. 

Photographic proof that my head is somehow twice the size of Faiths... or I just can't take selfies....

Stars Hollow's Smicksburg's Library. Also doubles as a bird house when empty. That 2nd part may not be entirely true.

Faith modeling our hardcore, cocoon-like sleeping bags. We thought we might get cold over the weekend. Instead, we had to open the windows during the night because we were so sweaty. But man, they were wonderfully cozy.

Cooking dinner. See below...

Hot dogs and crescent rolls. The most amazing campfire food. Ever.

Our home for the weekend!

Last morning. Such a great weekend, thanks Roomie!!!

Since that weekend, it was another great/exhausting/fulfilling week at work, ending with a fantastic conference, all about the casual sex culture here in America. I had never acquired so much useful information for work. It felt like they knew exactly how I needed to be encourage and gave me just the right information I needed to go into the public schools and talk to students about Sexual Risk Avoidance....aka abstinence. That was most definitely a divine provision. Thanks God. 

So I guess it's only natural that after all of that, I would feel a little lazy just laying around not doing anything. But I hate how depression always seems to creep in when I'm just...still. I don't want to fear a time of solitary rest. I always crave alone time, then when I'm in it, freak out and don't know what to do with myself. But this time of reflection was actually really good! It helps to affirm that I really am doing ok. I've moved to a new place, but I'm still making the most of it. And guess what???

Only 17 more days until I get to come home!!!!!!!

Then I'm home for a week, then back here for two weeks, then back home for 3 weeks. Its going to be great :)

Thanks for reading this, and keeping up with me. Sometimes it feels like I'm just ranting and wasting time, but hopefully you get some sort of kick out of reading about my life. 

Remember when God actually knew what He was doing with my life?? Crazy...

Bullets, Newness, and Special Days...

First things first.

Is there any other way? Who ever says "eighth things first...." Anyways....

Today is a very important day. There are a few times in my life where I can be all thoughtful and introspective and emo and think about why I'm really here and all the events that had to happen in order for me to exist.

For instance, if my parents had been so pleased with my older sister's presence, they would never have the need to try again for a better daughter with me (haha, just kidding Katie). Another noted moment in the history of my existence is when a certain enamored employee of Good Housekeeping made "moose noises" from his office space in the direction of another employee of GH (or at least, that's how she described them...). So obviously (because I mean, who could turn down a good moose call?), love was in the air and they couldn't help but get married.

But before any of that occurred, both of those people had to be in existence themselves.

And today we are celebrating one of those existences. Today is my mommy's birthday.

The beginning of this post may sound a little self-centered, but I mean, do we all thank our parents enough for existing simply because we would know nothing of anything without them bringing us into this world. Even as messed up as it is, I am so thankful to be alive and that wouldn't be possible without my parents being alive.

I honestly can say I don't know what I would do without my mom.

A quick list of "Favorite Mommy Moments":

• In college, her sending me one of the scarves I forgot, after having worn it, so it smelled like her.
• Her flying out to visit me when I lived in the Keys and me swerving and almost hitting someone in her rental car to drive us through a development to look at Christmas lights.
• Convincing her to watch the first episode of LOST with me...and then her becoming an obsessed fan.
• Her making breakfast for dinner whenever our dad was away on business trips (particularly her pancakes...those were usually Dad's specialties, so it was really special when she made them).
• Her calling out "Hold on to your drinks, I'm whipping!!" after leaving a fast-food restaurant.
• Her standing at the corner and waving when we left for school on the bus...and then her staying home when I asked her to because it always made me cry seeing her standing there waving.
• Touring Ernest Hemingway's house with one of the strangest tour guides ever and then calling Dad and Brittany so they could watch us on the Hemingway Cat Cam.
• When she was the only mom (aka best mom ever) to attend my high school Fashion Merchandising class fashion show.
• Going to a Coldplay concert together and standing under the stadium while waiting for the thunderstorm to pass.
• Watching a TV show together...over the phone...syncing our Netflix accounts by pausing and restarting them until the sound matches. We're just hardcore community TV show watchers...don't be hatin'.

I could probably go on forever, but we'll stop there.

I love you, Mommy. Happy Birthday!!

And on to other updates....

Let's play a game. Its sort of like two truths and a lie. I will list things and you have to guess which one is the made up one (apparently I'm really into bulleting things tonight...):

• I bought a new car.
• I had to get glasses.
• I visited friends in Virginia last weekend and almost died on a winding, mountain pass.
• I have a crazy obsession with the Hunger Games now.
• I had to live without a stove/oven for 2 weeks.
• I'll be going camping in a couple weeks.
• I learned to drive a stick shift.
• I will finally be starting STARS this week in two schools.

Ok, so which one is fake? Any guesses??

I'll tell you....none of them. My life's just jam-packed with all sorts of newness.

My new car is a Saturn Vue (stick shift!), I have glasses to see anything thats farther than a book or computer screen, a flippin' cat ran out in front of a car that was in front of us when we were driving through this treacherous mountain pass and he slammed on his brakes and we almost hit him, I am OBSESSED with the Hunger Games and have been listening to them when commuting back and forth from work, my landlord decided to rip out our stove before she had the new one to put in, I will be roughing it in the wilderness with my college roommate Faith in a couple weeks when we drive towards each other and meet in the middle which will be about an hour east of Pittsburg, and STARS will finally be starting this week!

There's your update.

Quite a few other things have also transpired, and I will update you on those later as well. I'm running out of time before I have to get to BSF (if you don't know what that is, look it up here and find one near you and go!).

That should keep you for a bit though. Thanks for bearing with me as I figure out this whole blogging thing. Sometimes I don't want to have to sit and think about life too much. But I know its good for me when I do, so I will try harder to get things down here.


Remember that time I sat in a Wendy's and blogged and ate dinner for 4 bucks? It was a good time...

Worshipful Raucous...

I want to tell you about something really cool I saw/experienced a couple weeks ago.

The church I have been going to held a worship event one night. There is a place near me that has a large, outdoor park area. Its in the middle of this strange town thats not really a town at all, but a collection of stores that are made to look like a town. But this park-like thing at the center of it is pretty cool. They have a fountain that you can run through, benches everywhere, and a big grassy area. Every once in a while, they hold small concerts there; usually people playing cover songs, but on this night, my church teamed up with a few other local churches and held a worship night.

They created a sort of super-worship band out of all their different bands, set up a screen to display lyrics on, and took over this park-thing-area for an hour.

It was pretty awesome. A lot of people were there, and it was a little hard to actually worship unless you got pretty close to the stage. Did I mention this was the night before my birthday? That made it all the more awesome.

As I was saying, you needed to be pretty close to actually be able to worship, but it was still really cool seeing everyone hang out together while others were worshipping. People had brought lawn chairs, blankets, and kids were running all over, playing with all the other kids

Side note, don't you wish it was that easy to make friends still? You could just walk up to someone that looked about your age, ask their name, and then start making up random rules to a random game, and before you know it you'd be bffs. I miss those days.

Anyways, there were a lot of people, it was a cool, laid back kind of atmosphere, and we were just worshipping. Some of the songs were a little too-cool-hipster-church-like, so I didn't know all of the words, but the ones I did, I belted out (much to the disappointment of those around me). 

And during this time, I finally felt connected to God. Its been a really strange experience moving away, and even though I've been doing this because I knew God wanted me to and had created this opportunity for me, I was letting all of the other worries choke out His presence and hadn't really felt like He moved with me. 

This night was different though. I felt like I could actually worship Him, even though I wasn't standing in my home church and it wasn't a band I was familiar with, and I didn't even know all the songs, but I was worshipping and felt like God was right there.

Did I mention there are quite a few trees in this park area? Thats an important detail.

After one of the first few songs had finished and there was a moment of silence (or as close to silence as you can get at an outdoor convert event), all you could hear was the chattering of birds that had taken up residence in the trees in this park. And it was LOUD. Sometimes huge flocks of birds will travel together and fly from area to area, making tons of noise and eating up whatever is on the ground that they've covered, but they always move on fairly quickly. 

Not these birds.

They stayed the whole time we were there worshipping.

And then I remembered lyrics to a worship song we sang on a missions trip to NC…

"…birds in the sky sing their songs to You…"

And that's just what they were doing. I kid you not, they were only there for the amount of time our group was. Just for the worship. Singing their songs, too.

How many times do we sing songs in church that talk about creation worshipping God, the earth crying out, "…all creatures of our God and King, lift up your voice and with us sing, Hallelujah…"? Well, they were singing out a lot louder than we were. 

Isn't that just so cool?

Wanted to share that moment with all of you...however many there are that actually read this....anyone out there?

Also, since I don't have Instagram or Facebook, I'll just have to post more pictures here for you. First off, I want to show you a sunset outside my window. I have a fantastic view and the sun always sets right out my window. One thing I have to give Ohio props for is it's sunsets…something about this weird flat place that makes the sun reflect off the clouds miraculously. So enjoy the following pictures:

I mean, come on, weren't those just awesome?

Next, I just have to show you what I made for dinner tonight. Look at it, in all its glory:

That, my friends, is a plate of homemade bacon cheesy fries, garnished with a dollop of sour cream and some fresh-ground pepper sprinkled over the top. Not surprisingly, it took waaaay faster to consume than it did to create, but it was worth every ounce of effort. Be jealous.

Remember that time living on my own meant eating whatever I wanted for dinner? Now, on to some baking...lemon cookies anyone??

Non-outcludable...

I was blessed a lot this week.

I am currently sitting on my bed, overwhelmed by everything Ohioan, but looking back over the week, I know I was blessed.

A quick summary of all the great things this week: outdoor worship service, birthday, BSF, surprises, friends, new clothes, co-workers, and food.

I was blessed by all of those things this week. 

Doesn't mean I'm not overwhelmed, but I can still see that the glass is looking a little half-full.

Work is going great. My new co-worker is fantastic and loves the Lord with all her heart. God has given us the same vision for the WWF ministry, and we are bringing everything we have to the battle front.

However, sometimes it feels like I have nothing to give, like I'm not ready to fight, like I want to just give it all to someone else. I know what goes on inside my head. If you knew my doubts, my questions, my concerns, you probably wouldn't send me out to war. 

But…

God does. And He is still sending me.

I get caught up on my faults, on outside distractions, on trivial matters, on my own levels of happiness, or lack thereof, and yet, God is trusting me with this huge thing, with these students, with this city. Maybe a better word is entrusting. He is entrusting me with His children, His students, His city, His cause, His Spirit. 

I am not unequipped. 

Please pray that I can believe this. I find myself fighting this same battle almost everyday at work. I don't want to listen to the lies that I must have made a mistake, that I'm really not supposed to be here. Please pray that I can throw off the sin that I continually become so easily entangled in so that I can run the race God has for me. 

Belief and sin de-entanglement…I need these!

Also, tonight, I was shopping and saw a baby with her mom, and I almost asked to hold her for just a bit…the baby, not the mom. Just clarifying. I miss hugging people! I don't like being that person that hugs strangers, because thats never a fun hug. Especially when those people that come at me for a hug have their arms extended straight up into the air, forcing me to crouch down awkwardly so that my arms go underneath theirs. Those are terrible hugs, for any tall person. If you are hugging a person taller than you, don't make them awkwardly crouch down. Its just awful. And when its a stranger? Two words. "Get out!" (thanks to Devyn, this is my new favorite saying). 

So yeah, I've been a little starved for human contact. And the truly hardest part of all of this? Church.

I'm adding something to that prayer list I started. So far, we have belief, sin de-entanglement, and now church. 

This is something I know I am a part of, something so much more than a Sunday morning activity. I am a part of the body of Christ, I am on His team, in His church, and fighting for His kingdom. 

Doesn't make Sunday mornings any easier, though. This is where I would see everyone I loved. Its where my family was, my friends, my ministry; its where I was challenged and taught, where I laid down so much for Jesus, where I pushed and shoved my way out of my shell and became an adult. Where I finally saw potential in myself to do something important. 

Where I felt…

…Included. 

I don't feel included now. Sort of feels like 9th grade all over again, walking into a new school, hoping someone would see me struggling, take my alongside them and show me the ropes. Like that first Young Life meeting I went to, hoping a leader would give me all the right words to say. Like that first Bible Institute meeting, where I showed up, expecting to be given a specific duty, a role to fill, a job to do. In all of these situations, none of that happened. I never found that person to shadow in high school, I never had a leader whisper all the right things to say into my ear, and I showed up an hour early to BI, and since I was still terrified of people then, instead of staying and getting to know the leaders better, I left the building and sat in my car until it started. 

Yup, I was pretty lame. 

But I can see where I've come from and I can see that there were actually people all along that were rooting for me, helping me, and eventually guided me in the right direction. Sara Perotti was my best friend in high school. She showed me what it was like to be a christian in that school, and though we rarely saw each other at school, we had a fantastic relationship outside of school. Winnie Moyer let me follow her around like a puppy during my first few every single Young Life meeting, watching how she worked with teens, gleaning from the conversations she was having, and knowing what is was like to love people just because God loves them. And I found about a thousand people who were behind me, before me, and walking alongside me through BI and the SRCC student ministry. Okay, maybe not a thousand, but to an introverted, insecure, people-terrify-me kind of person, it feels like a whole lot. And every single one of them has helped me see that God is doing a great work in all of us, me included!

Included.

I may not feel socially included in the church body specifically in this area of Ohio, but God says I am included in His body, in His global church. I am part of His plan in this world, in His world, and I will never be unincluded, outcluded, non-includable. 

For God so loved the world, that He sent His only Son to include everyone who believes.

Isn't that what your translation says?

Remember that time I cried multiple times while blogging? Thanks for reading this you guys, it really helps me process everything. I'm going to try to write a little more often, I know its good for me.

Pessimist + Major Life Changes = Moderate Optimist

Three weeks down, everyone. 

I probably have to stop thinking about it that way, though. 

Oh my word, another motorcycle group just flew by! I guess that's something I just have to get used to.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, turning a pessimist into an optimist…

I'm not sure if that's entirely possible, but I think I'm getting as close to an optimist than ever before. I had a friend text me today asking if I was getting used to living in Ohio, and my first instinct was to respond with "Ugh, are you kidding me? Its Ohio." But I stopped to think about it, and realized, whether I wanted to or not, I was getting used to Ohio. This week compared to last week was much better, and the week before was better than the first week. So applying that to my "fact-based logic" (side note--I don't think I will ever be able to learn a new language, because I am already fluent in Movie Quotes…can I put that on my resume?? And if you recognize that as a movie line, we should be best friends), I realized that every week will probably get better. Before I know it, I will actually be enjoying life here. I know I will still have bad days, and I'll probably cry some more and still be really homesick, but overall, things have gotten better, so they will keep getting better.

I'm really getting used to these big-girl panties.

You know how I know it'll still be okay even if I have a bad day? Because I did have a bad day, and I've had bad days, but in that moment, when I had to sum up my entire time here as to whether or not I was "getting used" to living here, I knew overall that I was. Yay for me. Whats in the glass over there? It looks like its half-FULL of some sunshine and rainbows and kittens! How's that for a positive attitude?

I'm still going to fill you in on my bad day however. Don't worry though, it ended well. 

This week has overall been pretty good. I don't know which McGuire it was, and Cedarville certainly feels they own the credit, but I'm sure thankful he invented Labor day. Looking back, I don't know how I would have survived the week unless I had Monday off. I spent most of the week preparing for STARS, which was great because I finally felt like I had a goal that I could complete, not just spending my days cleaning out old filing cabinets. I was contacting schools, re-writing curriculum, making lesson plans, and meeting with my leaders to talk about training. 

I even got a PO Box in town. Its like I'm adult!

And feel free to fill that bad boy up with cards, letters, love of any kind. Its costing me almost $30 bucks for 6 months, so lets make it earn its keep. Here is my new address: PO Box 188, Cedarville, OH 45314. (And just in case you didn't know, my birthday is in just a couple days, so hey, no time like the present (hah! get it?) to get my PO Box broken in...)

So back to my week. It was overall good, and the 'bad day' I'm going to describe isn't even that bad. I was just hit with the revelation, again, that I have moved to another state. And by another state, I mean land-of-the-people-that-move-slower-than-the-corn-that-grows-everywhere. That kind of state, just in case you were wondering. 

I guess I could try to embrace the whole "live life a little slower" mentality, the "its 5 'o'clock somewhere" lifestyle (although not really because it is, after all, Cedarville…not much like Margaritaville if you know what I mean…which I'm totally okay with…I didn't like that when I lived in the Keys….now to find my back through the tangents to my original thought…) and not rush from thing to thing as if my life depended on it. However, when a simple trip to the bank to deposit one check took more than 20 minutes, when I went through the drive-thru and there was only one person in front of me, and my car is moaning and groaning as I make it sit there, idling, depleting what's left of the ozone layer with its smelly fumes, making it sound worse than a growling stomach of a hungry Sarlacc, I got a little frustrated.

In retrospect, I guess 20 minutes isn't all that long, but when you're sitting in a hot car, it feels like forever.

Then when you want to run into Walmart for a quick trip to pick up one thing and every, single person you end up walking behind is out for a stroll and in no hurry, making you look like frogger as you weave in and out of every slow moving cart, you also get pretty frustrated.

As I grumbled and sighed under my breathe (all the while telling myself, don't be visibly frustrated, you don't know what kind of day they've had, which was probably pointless because when have I ever been known to hide my facial expressions?), I moved through the crowd of people that looked like they just bought out a Duck Dynasty gift shop, and made it to my car, with a not so positive attitude of "Today, I hate Ohio." 

So I drove home rather quickly, making myself feel a little better at moving faster than an Ohioan inchworm pace…which, in case you were wondering, is much slower than a New Jerseyan inchworm pace. 

I guess I was a little testy because it was another home-sick kind of day.

It started when I went to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee in the office. I opened the cabinet that held the coffee and tea supplies, and a sudden rush of sadness and despair and intense homesickness washed over me, and it was all I could do not to curl up on the floor and cry, wishing I had my bunny-foo-foo with me (Some of you know of whom I speak. For the rest of you, she's my childhood stuffed animal…that may or may not currently be on my bed now…). It took me a second to regain my composure (thankfully in an empty kitchen) and figure out what just happened. I realized a smell had hit me when I opened the cabinet, and I thought that was the cause of the sudden attack of my tear ducts kicking it into overdrive, and looked at the boxes of teas. Then I saw it. A box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer. I had not smelled that tea that strongly in years, and I realized it was always a staple of my mom's in her tea drawer (Was it a drawer? Maybe a cabinet?), and smelling it took me all the way back to when I was 4 and living in Plainfield, NJ, and the homesickness brought on by that was almost more than I could bear. But then I was actually ok. Something like that would have normally done me in, and it almost did, but then I smiled at the memory, enjoying the fact that I had something like that to hold onto. 

Whenever you read books, the characters are always describing their memories in such poetic, romantic ways, recalling moments and then giving descriptions that make you think "Who in the world talks and thinks like that?" But for a moment, I felt like one of those characters. I could picture myself standing in my old kitchen, looking at the box, smelling the fragrance of the tea, and feeling…at home. 

I was NOT going to let that become a crippling, depressing, soul wrenching memory though, and choose to remember it with joy and optimism, and then I proceeded to make my cup of coffee…which turned out to be just disgusting. So I made another one, which was just as terrible. So it was all for naught, but I like that I had that little moment with just me and my memories. 

It definitely didn't help that whole "Today I hate Ohio" feeling later on, though. But it was only a "Today" feeling. Once I got home, I turned my brain off with a few episode of The Office, and then I met up with a new friend and we hung out for the rest of the night. 

I wasn't necessarily declaring my love for the state of Ohio yet, but I definitely didn't hate it anymore. 

It helped that my new friend is also a Whovian. No, that's not a fan of a Dr. Suess character, but a fan of a different kind of Doctor. We talked about David Tennant, daleks, sonic screwdrivers, and then moved onto Jane Austin, Shakespeare, M. Night Shyamalan, movies, books and crafts, and a friendship was forged. 

Look at that improvement. 

So yeah, it was a pretty good week overall.

I also started focusing on a Promise of God this week. I wrote one down, and put it up on my mirror, and as His child, I'm claiming it as my own. Its reads "It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating bread of anxious toil; for He gives to His beloved sleep." Now, the first time I read that, I thought it said "He gives to His beloved sheep," so I thought I don't have to stress about work and be up at night thinking about the next day, God will give me what I need to take on the day because I am one of His beloved sheep and He'll give me what I need. Then I realized it said "sleep," and after feeling like an idiot, I realized it was all the same thing because in the end, the problem what I wasn't seeping well. I've been having weird dreams, and I haven't been waking up rested. But as the verse says (whether I'm a sheep or not), I don't have to toil, because He will give me sleep. And I have felt pretty rested all week. I'm taking that as a gift from my Heavenly Father. 

I'll leave you with this last story.

On Thursday night, I pulled into my driveway, and it was about 9:30 so it was pretty dark out. For the first time, the sky was completely free of clouds and I could see stars. Not just stars, but ALL the stars. The milkway was visible across the sky, I could pick out some constellations, and it was perfect. And then I saw it, a flashing light moving slowly across the sky. Nope it wasn't a plane. It was a tumbler. Thats when a satellite is spinning as it flies through the atmosphere, and as it spins, it reflects the sunlight. The last time I saw one I was about 13, so this was pretty cool. My first instinct was to call my fellow atronomy-nerd, my mom, and tell her to run outside and see if she could see it to. So yeah, apparently when I get excited, my judgement is slightly clouded, so I didn't think through that whole living-600-miles-to-the-west thing and that she probably/most definitely wasn't going to see it. But instead, when she ran outside and looked up, she saw a huge shooting star! That was such a cool moment for me. Both of us looking at the same sky, being amazing at what we saw. Thanks, God.

Remember that time Ohio wasn't that bad?