What I learned Today...

I just realized something today.





I love my job.





I love it. I get to work with middle school girls, with college students, I get to teach, I get to play goofy games, I get to comfort girls that are upset, I get to share my life experiences, I get to build so many relationships, I get a new perspective on life each and every STARS session.

I can't believe I get to do this job.

I was sitting in my office after STARS today, and I just had to sit there. I felt happy about living here because it meant I got to keep doing my job.

We have been focusing on Thanksgiving this week, since they are all off school next week and we can't do it then, and I decided that I wanted each student to say something they were thankful for.

Here are some of their comments:

"My family"
"My mom because she works really hard to take care of me"
"Toilets"
"My friends that are there for me when I need them"
"My dad because he got sick last year and almost died"
"That I was adopted and have a great family"

Then I gave them a bunch of papers and markers and gave them a long time to make cards for people so they could thank them, and they got so into it. "Can we make more then one?" Heck yes you can!

One student kept coming and asking for help because she wanted to give it to her friend that came to STARS with her and wanted it to be perfect. She kept asking "how does it look now?" Then, after giving it to her, she came up to me really excited and said "When I gave her the card I made her, she gave me the card she was working on! She was making a card for me while I was making hers! Isn't that cool? I couldn't wait to tell you!" These girls are so sweet. Did I mention they're all 11 and 12 years old?

Quite a few of them took the time to make me a card as well. I just have to brag and show you some of these...

I love my portrait

From one of my favorites...

This one makes my heart ache...so freaking sweet

Don't you love the alternate spelling of all the names?

I get to be the one to receive all their affection.

And to top it all off, one of my leaders wrote me a note as well. Basically she had a lot of really nice things to say to me. Bring-on-tears kind of things.

And it made me realize how fortunate I am to be doing what I'm doing.

I'll say it again. I love my job.

I'm writing this all down so that when I have a bad day, I can remember that at one point I loved my job, that at one point I knew the truth, that I love what I do.

I may need to remember that pretty quickly...I have an event this weekend and things can get pretty crazy when you get a bunch of 6th graders in a room together and give them cookies and candy. But I'm looking forward to it because I won't have to teach and will just get to play. Then its off to NJ for Thanksgiving!! PRAISE JESUS!!!

Oprah's... er... Allie's Favorite Things...

I need a perspective change.

I feel this blog has had a fairly negative feel recently, and that's because my perspective has been mostly negative of late. (also, everyone should always say "of late" rather than "lately"... its just better).

Rather than get swallowed up by my pessimism, its time for a thankful list. Lets all join in a chorus of "These are a few of my favorite things!"

Because when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.

So in no particular order, here goes nothing:

My blanket from my Mom-Mom.
My scarves.
My tardis phone case.
Netflix.
Pictures of my friends and family scattered about my room.
Fall weather!
My roommate's treadmill.
Phone calls.
Having a home church.
Knowing how to use a professional espresso machine.
Sweatpants.
My bangs.
High heeled shoes.
My ankle pants that make me feel like Audrey Hepburn.
Tunics.
Chocolate chip pumpkin bread.
Free lunch at staff meetings.
Trader Joe's Orange Chicken.
Big rings.
Maxi skirts that are long enough.
My Bible that is falling apart (almost lost Revelation earlier today...).
Books! (how did it take me this long before I wrote that?!)
The park that is in walking distance of my house.
Being an East-coaster.
Driving stick.
Shakespeare.
Watching British television, then thinking with an accent.
Coffee.
Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
Living 10 minutes from a family member.
Sharing a big bowl of popcorn with someone.
"Good Mythical Morning."
Mocassins.
Lord of the Rings.
A roommate that talks to me.
My journals.
Candles.
Campfires.
Glamping.
Star gazing.
Finding satellites when star gazing.
Jogging.
Big cities.
Art museums.
Taking a train somewhere.
The beach.
The woods.
Watching previews at the movies.
The smell of onions and garlic cooking in butter on the stove.
A bowl of cereal.
Cooking for people.
Libraries.
Book fairs/sales/stores.
Food trucks.
Worshipping and not caring what you look like.
Learning.
Fixing things on my car.
Youth retreats.
Going to a new restaurant with someone that has already been there.
Panera.
Taco Bell.
The bead aisle at Hobby Lobby.
Staying up late.
Thunderstorms.
Road trips.
Aquariums.

"These are a few of my favorite things...."

You get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!

Get it? Favorite things? I probably could have set that joke up better, but its late. I like staying up late, but didn't say that I was always cohesive...coherent...some c-word that I may or may not be able to come up with. That reminds me of the time that I shared a room with my sister, and I had the bottom bunk. The cat used to sleep up on Brittany's bunk, and we never knew how she got up there or how she got down. One night, I knew how she got down. I woke to what I thought was death, but was really the cat landing on my stomach after jumping down off of the top bunk (our bunk beds were in an "L" shape, perpendicular to one another, not parallel...). I screamed in my fright, and my mom ran into the room. I explained to her that Gracie had jumped on me, and my mom answered with "What?" I said again "Gracie jumped on me." My mom said I wasn't making sense and should go back to bed. I, now frustrated as to why she wasn't understanding me, yelled louder "Gracie jumped on me!" Mom again answered with "You're not making sense, just go to bed." The next morning I asked my mom why she wasn't understanding me, and she said "All you kept saying was, 'Gracie has a shoe!' over and over again."

So yeah, not always coherent (is that the right word) at this time of night. But who cares. I don't stay up for other people, I stay up for me. Its just so wonderfully quite late at night.



Positive story from the day: asking someone for a "real" hug, and getting a good, long, sincere one.

That one time I couldn't play Halo...

I read something a while back in an article about relationships that has been floating around in my head, and I need to process it out.

I went to find this article again to read the quote that was bothering me, and to also highlight the quote here, but alas, it can't be found. So I'll have to paraphrase to the best of my ability.

It was by a woman who was writing about past experiences and how they have shaped her. She wrote something about allowing a certain guy to become very important to her emotionally because he had shown her a small amount of interest, and since she hadn't been getting interest anywhere else, it came across to her as a large amount of interest and she got hung up on him for way too long, even when he stopped showing interest.

You are not alone, sister.

The reason I wanted to process this here is because as humans, we so easily put others on pedestals because of our perceptions of them. We make assumptions about what they can offer us, about what they're capable of, about their seeming perfection, and all of it is through our eyes and a perception that is skewed and flawed.

I have allowed others opinions of me (the opinions I've assumed they've made, that is...) to dictate how I am going to view myself. What the what, McGillick. That is ridiculous.

I cannot allow choices that others have made to affect me in such drastic ways. The interactions between men and women will always baffle me (and the skill of those interactions will apparently always escape me) but the fact that we can allow such small, insignificant moments of conversation or interactions to transform into large, meaningful moments that fluff our egos or translate as pursuit is even more baffling.

I don't know why I look for approval and affirmation of being a female when I have the love of my Savior and Redeemer and have been called His "bride" and told that He is coming back for me. I don't know why women read into things more than they should with guys.

What I do know is we are all humans, therefore we are all idiots imperfect, and we are going to have imperfect interactions and relationships. My heart aches for other women who have thought something held more potential then it did. Because I know what that feels like. Its terrible. Not just because our pride has been bruised, but because it feels like someone hit a reset button on a game you had been playing and now you have to go back to level one and start all over. And all your friends had been watching you play the game and see that you've been sent back to level one, so they don't know what to do other than offer pity and condolences and tips for how to make it through the first few levels as quickly as possible to get to the level you were at, and you just want to throw the game away and never play again.

And now all I can think about is the time my siblings tried to teach me to play Halo and it ended with me storming out of the room yelling at everyone and throwing my controller behind me as I left, hoping to "accidentally" hit someone with it. I digress....

Why did I need to blog about this? Because I process verbally, and in this case, typographically (Does that word exist? It wasn't underlined in red, so it must. I've impressed myself), and just needed to spit all of that out.

Take from it what you will.

But whatever you do, don't offer pity. This was not a cry of frustration or a cry for help. This was a statement, an observation, a commentary. Maybe even a confession.


Random story from today: I played the "dice game" with my STARS girls today, and its the best game ever. My throat hurts from yelling. If you know anything about me, you know that means I was having a blast. It probably has a real name, but here are the rules. Rule #1: gather a group of people (preferably between 3 and 8). Rule #2: each person playing has a slip of paper. Rule #3: there is one dice and one pen. Rule #4: each player takes a turn rolling the dice. Rule #5: when a player rolls a six, they grab the pen and start writing numbers 1 to 100 on their slip of paper. Rule #6: each player not currently writing continues to try and roll a 6, taking the pen from whoever has it and filling out their own slip of paper. Rule #7: first player to get to 100 wins. Rule #8: watch this video to get excited about playing a game. Rule #8: go play. right now. do it.

No, Admiral Ackbar, it's a different kind of trap...

This song is on my running play list, and whenever it comes on, I feel the urge to blog about it; but by the time I get home, I've either forgotten or get distracted and its hasn't gotten done. But today is that day! It will be blogged about. Take that, short attention span....

"A house and a wife and two and a half.
I lost my dream in the comfort trap....
I told my heart to toe the line.
You had all that time, the rest is mine....
I'm gonna have my cake and eat it too,
And what I don't eat I'm gonna force feed you."

How many times do we get distracted by what we think we should have? Or what we think we're entitled to?

Many have fallen into the comfort trap, and I have fallen in the trap of longing for what I think would be comfort.

"You had all that time, the rest is mine." I feel like that's what I say to God during a rough day. I want it to be my turn, I want to pursue the things I think would make me happy. I want. I want. I want.

But I haven't put my heart on hold, I am doing what I want. What I want is to be in God's will, not so I can escape the fires of hell or earn a reward, but because I have a Savior that I love and I know I am on this earth for a purpose and I don't want to miss that purpose because I wanted the "house and a wife and two and half" that the world makes the end-all-be-all of a person's life.

Do I still want that? Heck yes.

But it can't be the driving force behind my decisions. Its not something I have complete control over (or any control over apparently...) so why not focus on the things that are in front of me, the things that are giving me joy and giving me purpose?

So I do. I coordinate an after-school program that I love. I get to tell girls they are special and have value. Last week, we told the students those exact words, and I passed out a small brightly colored card that said "You are a unique creation, with endless worth; there will never be another you." I asked how many had never been told anything like that before and more than half of them raised their hand. These are 6th grade girls. Eleven year old girls. And no one is telling them they are special.

I could go on a rant about the world, about parents, about babies having babies, but we all know the world is broken. Its broken and it desperately needs its Savior to return and put it back together, to put us back together.

I will still have terrible days when I just want a family of my own, a house of my own, even a couch of my own. But when I am faced with precious, broken children, I can put that behind me and focus on whats in front of me. On who's in front of me. On Who is walking alongside me each and every step.

We have been tasked with changing this world. I refuse to fall into the comfort trap. You should refuse to fall into the comfort trap.

You should also listen to this song. Comfort Trap by House of Heroes. And listen to all their stuff while you're at it, they're amazing. Particularly "If," "Serial Sleepers," (and enjoy the super dated music video for that...what-up 2005!) and "By Your Side." Did I tell you about the time I met the drummer, Colin Rigsby, at a Relient K show? They weren't playing there, he was literally just attending the concert. Here's how our conversation went: Setting: exit hallway of small venue in Columbus. Colin is standing against the wall as I walk by. I see him as I pass (I'm in italics): "HI!" "Hi." "Hi!" "(Chuckle) Hi." Silence. "I'm a big fan!" "Thanks." More silence. End scene. Yup. That's how I interact with spontaneous celebrities. Also, with men.

Give me strength...

I have two homes, and neither of them are my Eternal Home.

This is causing a lot of internal struggles for me.

I want to be there, I want to be here, and I really want to be There.

I have relationships here that I want to build, relationships there that I want to continue, and it feels like I have to choose because there never seems to be enough time to connect with everyone. I want to call there and talk with people, but in order to fully catch people up on my life, I have to stay in for a night, and in doing so, I can't make plans with people to build relationships here.

And the worst thing of all is that I am causing all of this emotional damage myself.

I am picking up guilt, I am picking up shameful messages of being a "bad friend." I'm caring them around, letting them prevent me from finally calling people when I have the time and preventing me from building relationships here because "I can't keep my old friends, so why make new ones?"

I feel as though I will be forgotten by my dear friends there, and easily over looked by potential friends here.

I have people there telling me they miss me, people here telling me I can't keep one foot there and one foot here, and myself telling me I suck.

What in the world am I supposed to do with that?

I don't have social media, (which probably means no one is even reading this because I can't post it anywhere and I feel narcissistic when I email people the link) and that's for my own sanity, but then I feel so unconnected.

I am trying to make time for everyone as much as I can, but I have voicemails piling up and just don't have the time to call everyone there and do everything here.

I don't have a solution. I don't know how to balance it all. I do know that I have to put down my guilt and put down my shame, but that's where I'm getting caught up. I have so many changes in my life right now and some of the dearest people in the world don't even know about them because we can't connect! How do I not hold onto guilt for that?

I have moved. I moved two and a half years ago, but its as raw as if it was 2 weeks ago. And this is what makes me long for the ultimate There even more...not only will I finally be able to rest at my Savior's feet, but so will all my other friends and we can finally all be together.

I complain about all of these things, and then my dear friend living in China can't even afford paper for the school she directs. There are women walking into our center who have been victims of date rape and are looking for a way to end their pain by ending a life. There are girls being given lies about self-satisfaction and self-empowerment when what they really need is to know they were created with a grand purpose and are loved by Jesus.

And I complain that I don't have time to talk to my friends.

Lord, give me strength.

A disjointedly transitional update...

Its been a month and a day since I've returned to Ohio. This being the 3rd time to make the transition from NJ to Ohio, you'd think I would get the hang of it, but once again, my transition back is...well, its a little more complicated that I would have anticipated.

The first fall I came back to Ohio was filled with all sorts of new things. I had only worked out here 5 weeks, then spent the summer in NJ, then returned to start my part time job as an after-school program director.

God had other ideas.

Three days before I was set to move out here, I was called and offered a second part time job to be the director of the entire department I was going to be working in, not just of the after-school program. God very specifically affirmed it, so I took it, and so began my career as "The Sex Lady."

Yes.

"The Sex Lady." A nickname given to me by a student, then repeated constantly by my coworkers. Thanks guys.

The second time I moved back to Ohio after a NJ summer, I knew I would be dealing with a few more transitions, specifically finding a new apartment and having a new roommate. However, a few extra complications were sprinkled in, just to keep me on my toes. My first day back at work, my dear coworker, my friend, my fellow "Sex Lady," told me she had to quit. Her availability was changing and she wasn't going to be able to keep working with me. Fortunately, I still see her and we have a common love of crafting and thrifting, so many a day has been spent with her perusing the isles of Goodwill. But my return to Ohio included an unexpected search for a new assistant. God answered with Linda, a former teacher, fellow Whovian, and someone passionate about teaching students to make wise choices.

But then an extra complication occurred. My living arrangements weren't quite what I was expecting. So at the end of the school year, I found myself yet again packing all of my stuff up and preparing to apartment search.

So the third time I moved back to Ohio after a NJ summer, I knew I'd be looking for an apartment, transitioning back into work, AND I added on my own extra transition of finding a student ministry to finally get involved in. I decided that I wouldn't in fact be cheating on SRCC student ministry by joining another one. After another great week of leading a small group at Harvey Cedars Bible Conference this summer, I realized I couldn't go another school year without serving in some kind of youth group setting. I may lead an after-school program, but nothing can replace leading teens through biblical truths, after playing an awkward and corny crowd game of course.

I was still nervous to get involved in a new group, but God made sure I never had enough time to rethink it. Here's the low-down of how I got involved: On Sunday, I spoke with a woman at church who said she could connect me with one of the youth pastors at church; I was sent an email from said youth pastor (Sharon...a Jersey girl!) on Sunday night, got a call from Sharon on Monday, met with Sharon on Tuesday, and was assigned the 12th grade girls Wednesday, met my co-leader and attended the leader meeting Sunday, then attended the first night of youth group the following Sunday. So two weeks and I'm in.

So yeah, I shouldn't have to deal with any more transitions, right? Finding a place to live, running two ministries, starting at youth group, and leading at BSF should be enough...right??

Nope.

So here are the latest transitions I have been dealing with. Its kinda big stuff. Are you ready?

While I'll still be leading the after-school program, I will no longer be able to hold the title of "The Sex Lady." At the end of the month, I will no longer be the director of the department or leading the abstinence awareness program we have.

A lot went into this decision, it was certainly not made lightly. I realized, after a lot of prayer and tears, that God is still not done with me (who knew?) and this was yet another part of His plan for me. God had given me the grace and strength to change the program and bring it to where it was, and it was always difficult for me, but this year felt different. Both of these programs I was running are growing--not only growing, but over-lapping, so there's a reason I felt weighed down and overwhelmed at the prospect of another year. I made the decision to focus just on what brought me out here in the first place, my 6th grade girls.

But of course, I can't live on just a part time job, so that means I have to find something else to help with my financial woes. Once again, God showed He's not done with me yet. I already have my second source of income. Remember that meeting I told you about with Sharon? We met for coffee and talked about student ministries, and I mentioned that I was looking for some extra part time work, and she off-handedly told me that the church was hiring a few part time positions, so I should send my resume in. I got home, dusted off my resume, wrote a cover letter, and applied. And you guessed it, I got the job.

Replace the slightly inappropriate title I had before with barista. Yep, my church is large enough to have a coffee shop inside of it, and I will be one of the lucky few to stand behind the counter and concoct different ways for people to ingest the wonderfulness that coffee provides. I was also told that I would be able to pick up extra shifts helping people in the office, so watch out Fairhaven Church, I'm taking over.

I have a couple apartments that I'm looking at this coming week, so we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll have more updates for you soon.

After re-reading this for typos (of which there will always be plenty), I feel this post may be slightly disjointed. But that's how I have felt lately, so why wouldn't it be reflected in my writing? The point was to update everyone, so there you go. I also feel like my excitement may not have come through very well. I am really excited to be a part of a youth group again and to claim "barista" as one of my many job experiences. More importantly, I'm excited to see how God is confirming constantly that He is still there and still sovereign, regardless of my limited understanding. After finally making the decision to step down from the one ministry, everything else with work has fallen into place. Telling my boss was much easier than I expected, interviewing my replacement was exhausting but worth it because we've found a great candidate, and I already have my second job lined up, and will start training this Sunday! Its easy to get frustrated when we only look at the issues and the frustrations, but I have to remember that just because I can't see a solution doesn't mean it doesn't exist, and that just because I can't figure out how everything is going to work together doesn't mean that God doesn't know exactly how it all will. He has each and every one of us, and He won't let a little thing like confusion get in His way. "For God is not the God of confusion but of peace." Amen!

He Loves Me, This I Know...

So I was looking through some files on my computer searching for something in particular and came across this, titled "He Loves Me, This I Know," written back in 2010. I read it and was such an encouraging reminder to me, so instead of coming with up new words right now, I want you to just read these old ones:

How do we know anything? What is this world? Why do we have conversations about whats on TV, who's a Christian, and what's for dinner with the same blazay sort of attitude? What is meaningful anymore? What are we living for? Why do we continue living this life unless it's for something greater? THere's an entire world out there, suffering, being eaten alive by satan and he's growing fatter and fatter. We are sucked into his ploys, into his distractions, and are consumed before we realize he's even after us.  We must be strong in who we are--and who are we? We are children of God, the Most High. He created the world and has the power to do anything, and He takes the time to love us and care for us and look over us as we sleep, as we laugh with friends, in our weakest moments and in our strongest moments. He says "Oh Allie, I have searched you and known you. I know your sitting down and your rising up, I understand your thoughts afar off. I comprehend your path and your lying down. I am acquainted with all your ways. for there is not a word on your tongue, but behold, Allie, I know it altogether. I have hedged you behind and before. And laid my hand upon you. Such knowledge is too wonderful for you, it is high, and you cannot attain it. Where can you go from My spirit? Or where can you flee from my presence? If you ascend into heaven, I am there, if you make your bed in hell, behold, I am there. If you take the winds of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost part of the sea, even there My hand shall lead you and My right hand shall hold you. If you say surely the darkness shall fall on me, even the night shall be light about you. Indeed the darkness shall not hide from Me, but the night shines as the day, the darkness and the light are both alike to Me. For I formed your inward parts, I covered you in your mothers womb. You will praise Me for you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are My works and that your soul knows very well. Your frame was not hidden from Me, when you were made in secret. And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the heart. My eyes saw your substance being yet unformed. And in my book they all were written, the days fashioned for you, when as yet there were none of them.

After all that, how can we do anything but spend our entire existence praising Him? And what does praising Him look like? He made me a certain way, and by living the way He's made me, I am praising Him. By loving those He wants me to love, I am praising Him. By acknowledging that I am a piece of dirt that has been rescued by Him and turned into a glorious piece of artwork, I am praising him. So I will work for Him because He is my Savior. My King, my Father. My God. He's the One that loves me more than any one else ever could or ever will, all before I even did anything for Him or even acknowledged his existence. Once I met him and told Him I loved him, I could never do anything to make Him love me any less. Do you know anyone like that? I certainly don't. I don't even love myself enough to keep going. I let myself down all the time and disappoint myself more than anyone else I know. But God will never be disappointed in me. He wants me to do great things, but only so I can glorify Him and point all of it back to Him "for God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love, which you have shown towards His name, in that you have ministered to the saints and do minister. " That is someone I want to love and devote my life to, someone who will never ever ever ever ever forget anything I've done for Him, and knows to expect that I will do more. He believes in me and knows I will do great things. He loves me unconditionally however….even though He knows I will do great things His love does not depend on whether I fulfill any of that. 

Its pretty cool to be encouraged by yourself, especially when you don't really remember saying/typing any of this...you're just so amazed at how well this advice speaks to your soul!

So that's what I need to be reminded of...God knows me and loves me, and my life needs to be spent in devotion towards Him.