Worshipful Raucous...

I want to tell you about something really cool I saw/experienced a couple weeks ago.

The church I have been going to held a worship event one night. There is a place near me that has a large, outdoor park area. Its in the middle of this strange town thats not really a town at all, but a collection of stores that are made to look like a town. But this park-like thing at the center of it is pretty cool. They have a fountain that you can run through, benches everywhere, and a big grassy area. Every once in a while, they hold small concerts there; usually people playing cover songs, but on this night, my church teamed up with a few other local churches and held a worship night.

They created a sort of super-worship band out of all their different bands, set up a screen to display lyrics on, and took over this park-thing-area for an hour.

It was pretty awesome. A lot of people were there, and it was a little hard to actually worship unless you got pretty close to the stage. Did I mention this was the night before my birthday? That made it all the more awesome.

As I was saying, you needed to be pretty close to actually be able to worship, but it was still really cool seeing everyone hang out together while others were worshipping. People had brought lawn chairs, blankets, and kids were running all over, playing with all the other kids

Side note, don't you wish it was that easy to make friends still? You could just walk up to someone that looked about your age, ask their name, and then start making up random rules to a random game, and before you know it you'd be bffs. I miss those days.

Anyways, there were a lot of people, it was a cool, laid back kind of atmosphere, and we were just worshipping. Some of the songs were a little too-cool-hipster-church-like, so I didn't know all of the words, but the ones I did, I belted out (much to the disappointment of those around me). 

And during this time, I finally felt connected to God. Its been a really strange experience moving away, and even though I've been doing this because I knew God wanted me to and had created this opportunity for me, I was letting all of the other worries choke out His presence and hadn't really felt like He moved with me. 

This night was different though. I felt like I could actually worship Him, even though I wasn't standing in my home church and it wasn't a band I was familiar with, and I didn't even know all the songs, but I was worshipping and felt like God was right there.

Did I mention there are quite a few trees in this park area? Thats an important detail.

After one of the first few songs had finished and there was a moment of silence (or as close to silence as you can get at an outdoor convert event), all you could hear was the chattering of birds that had taken up residence in the trees in this park. And it was LOUD. Sometimes huge flocks of birds will travel together and fly from area to area, making tons of noise and eating up whatever is on the ground that they've covered, but they always move on fairly quickly. 

Not these birds.

They stayed the whole time we were there worshipping.

And then I remembered lyrics to a worship song we sang on a missions trip to NC…

"…birds in the sky sing their songs to You…"

And that's just what they were doing. I kid you not, they were only there for the amount of time our group was. Just for the worship. Singing their songs, too.

How many times do we sing songs in church that talk about creation worshipping God, the earth crying out, "…all creatures of our God and King, lift up your voice and with us sing, Hallelujah…"? Well, they were singing out a lot louder than we were. 

Isn't that just so cool?

Wanted to share that moment with all of you...however many there are that actually read this....anyone out there?

Also, since I don't have Instagram or Facebook, I'll just have to post more pictures here for you. First off, I want to show you a sunset outside my window. I have a fantastic view and the sun always sets right out my window. One thing I have to give Ohio props for is it's sunsets…something about this weird flat place that makes the sun reflect off the clouds miraculously. So enjoy the following pictures:

I mean, come on, weren't those just awesome?

Next, I just have to show you what I made for dinner tonight. Look at it, in all its glory:

That, my friends, is a plate of homemade bacon cheesy fries, garnished with a dollop of sour cream and some fresh-ground pepper sprinkled over the top. Not surprisingly, it took waaaay faster to consume than it did to create, but it was worth every ounce of effort. Be jealous.

Remember that time living on my own meant eating whatever I wanted for dinner? Now, on to some baking...lemon cookies anyone??

Non-outcludable...

I was blessed a lot this week.

I am currently sitting on my bed, overwhelmed by everything Ohioan, but looking back over the week, I know I was blessed.

A quick summary of all the great things this week: outdoor worship service, birthday, BSF, surprises, friends, new clothes, co-workers, and food.

I was blessed by all of those things this week. 

Doesn't mean I'm not overwhelmed, but I can still see that the glass is looking a little half-full.

Work is going great. My new co-worker is fantastic and loves the Lord with all her heart. God has given us the same vision for the WWF ministry, and we are bringing everything we have to the battle front.

However, sometimes it feels like I have nothing to give, like I'm not ready to fight, like I want to just give it all to someone else. I know what goes on inside my head. If you knew my doubts, my questions, my concerns, you probably wouldn't send me out to war. 

But…

God does. And He is still sending me.

I get caught up on my faults, on outside distractions, on trivial matters, on my own levels of happiness, or lack thereof, and yet, God is trusting me with this huge thing, with these students, with this city. Maybe a better word is entrusting. He is entrusting me with His children, His students, His city, His cause, His Spirit. 

I am not unequipped. 

Please pray that I can believe this. I find myself fighting this same battle almost everyday at work. I don't want to listen to the lies that I must have made a mistake, that I'm really not supposed to be here. Please pray that I can throw off the sin that I continually become so easily entangled in so that I can run the race God has for me. 

Belief and sin de-entanglement…I need these!

Also, tonight, I was shopping and saw a baby with her mom, and I almost asked to hold her for just a bit…the baby, not the mom. Just clarifying. I miss hugging people! I don't like being that person that hugs strangers, because thats never a fun hug. Especially when those people that come at me for a hug have their arms extended straight up into the air, forcing me to crouch down awkwardly so that my arms go underneath theirs. Those are terrible hugs, for any tall person. If you are hugging a person taller than you, don't make them awkwardly crouch down. Its just awful. And when its a stranger? Two words. "Get out!" (thanks to Devyn, this is my new favorite saying). 

So yeah, I've been a little starved for human contact. And the truly hardest part of all of this? Church.

I'm adding something to that prayer list I started. So far, we have belief, sin de-entanglement, and now church. 

This is something I know I am a part of, something so much more than a Sunday morning activity. I am a part of the body of Christ, I am on His team, in His church, and fighting for His kingdom. 

Doesn't make Sunday mornings any easier, though. This is where I would see everyone I loved. Its where my family was, my friends, my ministry; its where I was challenged and taught, where I laid down so much for Jesus, where I pushed and shoved my way out of my shell and became an adult. Where I finally saw potential in myself to do something important. 

Where I felt…

…Included. 

I don't feel included now. Sort of feels like 9th grade all over again, walking into a new school, hoping someone would see me struggling, take my alongside them and show me the ropes. Like that first Young Life meeting I went to, hoping a leader would give me all the right words to say. Like that first Bible Institute meeting, where I showed up, expecting to be given a specific duty, a role to fill, a job to do. In all of these situations, none of that happened. I never found that person to shadow in high school, I never had a leader whisper all the right things to say into my ear, and I showed up an hour early to BI, and since I was still terrified of people then, instead of staying and getting to know the leaders better, I left the building and sat in my car until it started. 

Yup, I was pretty lame. 

But I can see where I've come from and I can see that there were actually people all along that were rooting for me, helping me, and eventually guided me in the right direction. Sara Perotti was my best friend in high school. She showed me what it was like to be a christian in that school, and though we rarely saw each other at school, we had a fantastic relationship outside of school. Winnie Moyer let me follow her around like a puppy during my first few every single Young Life meeting, watching how she worked with teens, gleaning from the conversations she was having, and knowing what is was like to love people just because God loves them. And I found about a thousand people who were behind me, before me, and walking alongside me through BI and the SRCC student ministry. Okay, maybe not a thousand, but to an introverted, insecure, people-terrify-me kind of person, it feels like a whole lot. And every single one of them has helped me see that God is doing a great work in all of us, me included!

Included.

I may not feel socially included in the church body specifically in this area of Ohio, but God says I am included in His body, in His global church. I am part of His plan in this world, in His world, and I will never be unincluded, outcluded, non-includable. 

For God so loved the world, that He sent His only Son to include everyone who believes.

Isn't that what your translation says?

Remember that time I cried multiple times while blogging? Thanks for reading this you guys, it really helps me process everything. I'm going to try to write a little more often, I know its good for me.

Pessimist + Major Life Changes = Moderate Optimist

Three weeks down, everyone. 

I probably have to stop thinking about it that way, though. 

Oh my word, another motorcycle group just flew by! I guess that's something I just have to get used to.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, turning a pessimist into an optimist…

I'm not sure if that's entirely possible, but I think I'm getting as close to an optimist than ever before. I had a friend text me today asking if I was getting used to living in Ohio, and my first instinct was to respond with "Ugh, are you kidding me? Its Ohio." But I stopped to think about it, and realized, whether I wanted to or not, I was getting used to Ohio. This week compared to last week was much better, and the week before was better than the first week. So applying that to my "fact-based logic" (side note--I don't think I will ever be able to learn a new language, because I am already fluent in Movie Quotes…can I put that on my resume?? And if you recognize that as a movie line, we should be best friends), I realized that every week will probably get better. Before I know it, I will actually be enjoying life here. I know I will still have bad days, and I'll probably cry some more and still be really homesick, but overall, things have gotten better, so they will keep getting better.

I'm really getting used to these big-girl panties.

You know how I know it'll still be okay even if I have a bad day? Because I did have a bad day, and I've had bad days, but in that moment, when I had to sum up my entire time here as to whether or not I was "getting used" to living here, I knew overall that I was. Yay for me. Whats in the glass over there? It looks like its half-FULL of some sunshine and rainbows and kittens! How's that for a positive attitude?

I'm still going to fill you in on my bad day however. Don't worry though, it ended well. 

This week has overall been pretty good. I don't know which McGuire it was, and Cedarville certainly feels they own the credit, but I'm sure thankful he invented Labor day. Looking back, I don't know how I would have survived the week unless I had Monday off. I spent most of the week preparing for STARS, which was great because I finally felt like I had a goal that I could complete, not just spending my days cleaning out old filing cabinets. I was contacting schools, re-writing curriculum, making lesson plans, and meeting with my leaders to talk about training. 

I even got a PO Box in town. Its like I'm adult!

And feel free to fill that bad boy up with cards, letters, love of any kind. Its costing me almost $30 bucks for 6 months, so lets make it earn its keep. Here is my new address: PO Box 188, Cedarville, OH 45314. (And just in case you didn't know, my birthday is in just a couple days, so hey, no time like the present (hah! get it?) to get my PO Box broken in...)

So back to my week. It was overall good, and the 'bad day' I'm going to describe isn't even that bad. I was just hit with the revelation, again, that I have moved to another state. And by another state, I mean land-of-the-people-that-move-slower-than-the-corn-that-grows-everywhere. That kind of state, just in case you were wondering. 

I guess I could try to embrace the whole "live life a little slower" mentality, the "its 5 'o'clock somewhere" lifestyle (although not really because it is, after all, Cedarville…not much like Margaritaville if you know what I mean…which I'm totally okay with…I didn't like that when I lived in the Keys….now to find my back through the tangents to my original thought…) and not rush from thing to thing as if my life depended on it. However, when a simple trip to the bank to deposit one check took more than 20 minutes, when I went through the drive-thru and there was only one person in front of me, and my car is moaning and groaning as I make it sit there, idling, depleting what's left of the ozone layer with its smelly fumes, making it sound worse than a growling stomach of a hungry Sarlacc, I got a little frustrated.

In retrospect, I guess 20 minutes isn't all that long, but when you're sitting in a hot car, it feels like forever.

Then when you want to run into Walmart for a quick trip to pick up one thing and every, single person you end up walking behind is out for a stroll and in no hurry, making you look like frogger as you weave in and out of every slow moving cart, you also get pretty frustrated.

As I grumbled and sighed under my breathe (all the while telling myself, don't be visibly frustrated, you don't know what kind of day they've had, which was probably pointless because when have I ever been known to hide my facial expressions?), I moved through the crowd of people that looked like they just bought out a Duck Dynasty gift shop, and made it to my car, with a not so positive attitude of "Today, I hate Ohio." 

So I drove home rather quickly, making myself feel a little better at moving faster than an Ohioan inchworm pace…which, in case you were wondering, is much slower than a New Jerseyan inchworm pace. 

I guess I was a little testy because it was another home-sick kind of day.

It started when I went to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee in the office. I opened the cabinet that held the coffee and tea supplies, and a sudden rush of sadness and despair and intense homesickness washed over me, and it was all I could do not to curl up on the floor and cry, wishing I had my bunny-foo-foo with me (Some of you know of whom I speak. For the rest of you, she's my childhood stuffed animal…that may or may not currently be on my bed now…). It took me a second to regain my composure (thankfully in an empty kitchen) and figure out what just happened. I realized a smell had hit me when I opened the cabinet, and I thought that was the cause of the sudden attack of my tear ducts kicking it into overdrive, and looked at the boxes of teas. Then I saw it. A box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer. I had not smelled that tea that strongly in years, and I realized it was always a staple of my mom's in her tea drawer (Was it a drawer? Maybe a cabinet?), and smelling it took me all the way back to when I was 4 and living in Plainfield, NJ, and the homesickness brought on by that was almost more than I could bear. But then I was actually ok. Something like that would have normally done me in, and it almost did, but then I smiled at the memory, enjoying the fact that I had something like that to hold onto. 

Whenever you read books, the characters are always describing their memories in such poetic, romantic ways, recalling moments and then giving descriptions that make you think "Who in the world talks and thinks like that?" But for a moment, I felt like one of those characters. I could picture myself standing in my old kitchen, looking at the box, smelling the fragrance of the tea, and feeling…at home. 

I was NOT going to let that become a crippling, depressing, soul wrenching memory though, and choose to remember it with joy and optimism, and then I proceeded to make my cup of coffee…which turned out to be just disgusting. So I made another one, which was just as terrible. So it was all for naught, but I like that I had that little moment with just me and my memories. 

It definitely didn't help that whole "Today I hate Ohio" feeling later on, though. But it was only a "Today" feeling. Once I got home, I turned my brain off with a few episode of The Office, and then I met up with a new friend and we hung out for the rest of the night. 

I wasn't necessarily declaring my love for the state of Ohio yet, but I definitely didn't hate it anymore. 

It helped that my new friend is also a Whovian. No, that's not a fan of a Dr. Suess character, but a fan of a different kind of Doctor. We talked about David Tennant, daleks, sonic screwdrivers, and then moved onto Jane Austin, Shakespeare, M. Night Shyamalan, movies, books and crafts, and a friendship was forged. 

Look at that improvement. 

So yeah, it was a pretty good week overall.

I also started focusing on a Promise of God this week. I wrote one down, and put it up on my mirror, and as His child, I'm claiming it as my own. Its reads "It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating bread of anxious toil; for He gives to His beloved sleep." Now, the first time I read that, I thought it said "He gives to His beloved sheep," so I thought I don't have to stress about work and be up at night thinking about the next day, God will give me what I need to take on the day because I am one of His beloved sheep and He'll give me what I need. Then I realized it said "sleep," and after feeling like an idiot, I realized it was all the same thing because in the end, the problem what I wasn't seeping well. I've been having weird dreams, and I haven't been waking up rested. But as the verse says (whether I'm a sheep or not), I don't have to toil, because He will give me sleep. And I have felt pretty rested all week. I'm taking that as a gift from my Heavenly Father. 

I'll leave you with this last story.

On Thursday night, I pulled into my driveway, and it was about 9:30 so it was pretty dark out. For the first time, the sky was completely free of clouds and I could see stars. Not just stars, but ALL the stars. The milkway was visible across the sky, I could pick out some constellations, and it was perfect. And then I saw it, a flashing light moving slowly across the sky. Nope it wasn't a plane. It was a tumbler. Thats when a satellite is spinning as it flies through the atmosphere, and as it spins, it reflects the sunlight. The last time I saw one I was about 13, so this was pretty cool. My first instinct was to call my fellow atronomy-nerd, my mom, and tell her to run outside and see if she could see it to. So yeah, apparently when I get excited, my judgement is slightly clouded, so I didn't think through that whole living-600-miles-to-the-west thing and that she probably/most definitely wasn't going to see it. But instead, when she ran outside and looked up, she saw a huge shooting star! That was such a cool moment for me. Both of us looking at the same sky, being amazing at what we saw. Thanks, God.

Remember that time Ohio wasn't that bad?

Baby Steps, Cedarfest, and Motorcyclists...

So I blogged today, and some of you may have seen it, but I was thinking about it all morning and didn't like it.

And by all morning, I mean the last hour. 

So I deleted it and I'm starting over. There's not really any rules to this, except that I'm a perfectionist, and I wasn't happy with what I had, so here it goes.

Take 2, everyone.

Two weeks down. Two whole weeks. 

I have a new catch phrase (as Caleb Dawson would say), and its "Baby steps." Now, I may not have Richard Dreyfuss as my psychiatrist, and I'm not wearing my pet goldfish on a string around my neck (yet), but I will keep telling myself "Baby steps, baby steps…."

Every day at work is completely different from the last. I'm beginning to see the trend, and by trend, I mean lack of trend. Sans trend. Trend? "You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means." 

Week one included orientation, strategic planning meetings, recruiting volunteers, and my first ever 40 hour work week. Week two has included interviewing applicants to be my coordinator, hiring said coordinator, corresponding with contacts for ministry opportunities, meetings with my coworker--who is actually my employee (so weird!)--more recruitment meetings, individual interviews with possible volunteers, and analyzing and rewriting the curriculum I will be using this year. 

I am so glad God has blessed women with the ability to multi-task, otherwise my brain would have exploded by now.

Did I mention how much I'm enjoying all of it though? Don't get me wrong, whenever it wants to slow down, it certainly can. Having today off has been such a blessing. But when I'm at work, it just…makes sense. I'm doing things I never thought I could do, but have somehow acquired the skill to be able to do it. Its like I'm meant to be here or something.

However, if I get ahead of myself and think of everything that has to be done within the next month, that is when the freak outs occur. So, baby steps. 

Baby steps and grace. 

God's grace in each and every moment getting me through each and every moment. 

I can't predict what those moments look like, I can't even comprehend the entirety of what I'm actually doing. If I attempt it, I will end up having to crawl into my closet, bury myself under a pile of clothes, and never come out.

I'm trying to avoid that, so for now, its all about baby steps.

Did I ever actually explain the other cool part of my job now? I am directing a second ministry, called Worth Waiting For. It is a peer drama team that travels to different schools, giving a presentation on abstinence. What they have done in the past is use skits and parody's to connect with the students in the audience, but I want to shake things up a little. I want to use the reputation of this program to reach thousands of students through a presentation that will incorporate testimonies and students' real life experiences. WWF (and no, not this WWF) has a relationship with our local christian high school, and I will be teaching a J-term in the winter. This is where we recruit the students that will be part of the peer drama team, and I want those students to be able to share their stories and their experiences with the students of Southwest Ohio to show them the truth about something that culture says is "no big deal." 

So yeah, thats what I get to do here. Its pretty awesome.

But speaking of Southwest Ohio, let me tell you what I got to experience this weekend.

Cedarfest.

What? You've never heard of it? Well, let me explain it to you.

Apparently, the founder of Labor Day was born right here in Cedarville, and the townsfolk are pretty dang proud of that. Thus, Cedarfest was created. This is a fair they have every year to celebrate Labor Day and their very own contribution to another of America's under-appreciated bank holidays. It is very much appreciated here though, don't you worry.

So who in their right mind would pass up the opportunity to celebrate Labor Day the right way? I wouldn't dare. And I am so glad I went.

*Side note* Thank goodness for other New Jerseyans living here in Ohio with me, otherwise I would go a little crazy. Shout out to Brendan and Diane.

So Brendan and I ventured across town to take part in the festivities, and can you say small town americana?? We walked through the "attractions," which consisted of a few food trucks, some big-blow-up-jumpy-things, a few vendors selling various items (my favorite begging a hat with "JESUSAVES" across the front, highlighting the USA within the phrase….can I get a " 'Merica!"?), a dance floor with tunes ranging from "Cotton-Eyed Joe" and "Get Low" (censored, thank the Lord), and a whole lot a' people. The entire town was out for the event. Kettle corn and lemonade were flowing, and people were celebrating. After all, it was Cedarfest.

Feast your eyes on Cedarfest. Thats the dance floor to the left, and you can see some of the attractions in the back.
Also, take note of the couple in the foreground. Their shirts read "Together since 1992." So cute!

One of the big attractions of the evening was going to be a firework show. Now, I had just spent 4th of July in Philly, so my expectations for a fireworks show were sky high (Hah, get it? Sky high? Fireworks? I crack myself up…). And as small-town-corny as this whole event was, I have to give them credit where credit is due. That was one of the best fireworks shows I have ever seen. Pictures never really do a firework show justice, but I got a few, just to prove it really happened:

And just in case you were wondering, they take their firework safety very seriously in Cedarville. We were told multiple times to move further away. At one point, we were told to move 10 feet to the right. Not further away, just ten feet to the right. Man, I'm glad they had my best interest in mind. Good thing the whole town was at the fair, too, because so were all the policeman, all the firetrucks, and all the ambulances. If anyone had any kind of emergency, well they were just going to have to wait until Cedarfest was over. 

I think I'm falling in love with my small town, though. I visited the library this weekend and got a card. I have visited all the coffee shops in town, and I spent the afternoon walking through one of our many parks. Sometimes I can't tell if my fellow townsfolk are being creepy and stalking me, or just trying to be nice and make conversation. Right now, my solution is to run away from anyone who looks twice at me. Hopefully discernment will come so I can stop being the weird girl who keeps running away from everyone. I also hope that was a humorous visual for you. 

It was a bit of a rough week at some points, and calling people is the last thing I want to do when I get really upset (it tends to just make it worse), but I'm doing okay now. I'm just going to keep taking those baby steps, knowing God has me right where he wants me.

Remember that time I was blogging and a group of about 40 motorcyclists drove by, all wearing bandanas instead of helmets? Oh Cedarville….

Coming to You From the Buckeye State....

My Soul Waits.... This was the only verse that truly struck me for a long time. There were a lot of good verses I was reading at the time, but the one that I felt completely aligned with was "My soul waits."

It's still waiting, but in a different way now. In a different place. Different state to be more exact.

I've moved.

That's the first time I've really said it with any type of conviction and truth. I kept telling people "Well, I got a new job, and I'm just going to go to Ohio to work." But let's be honest, I moved.

Well, at least I've gotten through the denial stage.

Guess what though? After a few small (and large) meltdowns, some tears, packing tape and boxes, some more tears, some more meltdowns, I'm doing pretty good. God has come through in such a loud, strong, gentle way, subtle, obvious way (doesn't He normally work that way?) so I know I'm doing good and will continue doing good.

To really explain where I am emotionally, I'll have to go back to the beginning for you.

It was a Tuesday afternoon when I was born...

Just kidding, not that far.

Almost a year ago, I learned of a job opportunity to mentor middle school girls through an after-school program, STARS. It involved a faith-based curriculum, college-age volunteers, and teens. I think we can all understand why I wanted to learn more about it. After a conversation with the (at the time) current director, I knew I loved the program. But, there was a small problem. It was only a 15-hr job. I thanked her for talking with me, I wished her the best, and I hung up.

But I couldn't stop thinking about it.

So about a month later, I made some last minute plans, left NJ at about 4:20 am, drove to Ohio, and made it just in time to visit my first STARS meeting. I was exhausted and slightly delirious, but that probably worked in my favor, because then I didn't clammer up (as I normally do in new situations) and rather spoke with a few girls. I took part in a couple activities (not too many though, I mean, lets not get too crazy...), and saw how deeply these middle school girls loved their leaders. And I saw myself running it...and loving it. I was hooked. However, after realizing I had been up since 3:30 (which is just ridiculous for anyone, especially me), I knew I had to go home (aka a college dorm room floor) and sleep, and then I would be able to  think a little clearer about the whole situation.

I went, I slept, I thought. And I really liked what I saw. I went back the next day for another STARS meeting, and I knew there was no way I couldn't apply for this job.

Again though, it was 15 hours. Who drives across the country (ok, slightly dramatic, but it felt really far at the time) for a 15 hour job?? Who can afford to do that? What if I don't find another job? What if...?

Well, those questions really don't matter to God. They shouldn't matter to us, but they REALLY don't matter to God.

So I came home. I applied. And I waited.

Again.

I guess God wanted to make sure I was extra good at waiting. On a scale of 1 to 10, I think I'm a black belt in waiting. Just call me Bruce Lee.

But a couple months later, I had an interview. And again, God was all over that.

Ever have those moments when everything all of the sudden makes sense? All the little boxes suddenly seem to shift and fit perfectly in your brain, and you can see that all along, all along, God had you? Well, it was kinda' like that. I had an answer for every question my interviewers asked. Not just any answer, but THE answer. The PERFECT answer, the answer that led me to internally exclaim (and yes, you can internally exclaim) "THAT'S WHY THAT HAPPENED TO ME! SO I COULD GIVE THIS ANSWER!" It was pretty loud in my head during the whole interview. It was also in that moment, in those many moments, I knew God had me, I knew all along God had me in the perfect place, in the perfect jobs, in the perfect college. It all made sense.

So yeah, I kinda' had my hopes up about the job.

Also, I love how God comforts all of us in small ways, each of us differently and unique, just like how He made us. With me, its usually been either small signs in nature, or music.

Here's a little behind-the-scenes moment for you. When I got into the car to head to the interview, my radio had been on from the previous drive (does anyone actually ever shut theirs off?), so it started up, and these were the first words I heard--"I'm gonna make this place your home." So again, my hopes were pretty flippin' high.

So I went home after the interview, and guess what I did?

Yup, I waited. Its like a super power I have. Is it a bird, is is a plane? No! Its Waiting-Woman! (Side note, I just sat here way too long trying to come up with some kind of pun for a name, and apparently, when you move away from all of your punny friends, it gets a little harder).

Then I had a terrible day at work. Normally, days as a substitute teacher weren't bad. I cried during a few of them, but overall, I had gotten pretty good at my job and the days weren't bad at all. Then, I realized why so many people don't like high schoolers. It was a bad day. I was done. I wanted something more, I wanted to know if I was working before I got a call at 5:30 am, I wanted to build relationships with students, I wanted more responsibility, I wanted authority, I wanted order. Then I got a phone call. Well, I actually got a voicemail because I missed the phone call because I was yelling about how horrible the day was (did I mention it was bad?). It was the STARS people. They wanted me to work for them. I felt relieved, terrified, excited, scared, joyful, all at the same time. Life was going to change.

But hadn't I just been yelling that I needed it to change?

So I said yes.

And then I went to Ohio for 5 weeks to train. It was the perfect job.

When I told one of my friends about the whole thing, her response was "He's so kind!" And before I could obliviously ask, "Who are you talking about?", she then said "He's just so kind that He made this for you!" And she cried. And I cried. This was made for me. Its going to be hard, its going to challenge me, its going to stretch me, but it's everything I love.

So I was trained, I knew exactly what was going to happen when I came back in August, I was ready. Did I mention that after being in Ohio those 5 weeks, my job had gone from a 15 hour job to a 20 hour job? Things were definitely looking up. I even had found the perfect place to live. It was all coming together. That whole second job thing still had to be figured out, and while I worried a little (some days a lot), I knew deep down that it would work out. I hoped it would work out. I was pleading with God that it would work out.

And then there was a plot twist.

If you ever reach a point where you think you have things figured out, you have my deepest sympathies. To quote Betty Davis, "Fasten your seat belts, its going to be a bumpy night."

I got a call 3 days before I was leaving. It was my boss. She had a proposition for me. What she really had was an answer to prayer for me. At this point, my job was going to be the STARS Coordinator. This was one of 3 teen-programs within the Abstinence Education Department at the Miami Valley Women's Center.

She offered me the position of Director of Abstinence Education. I was about to become my own boss. This would mean 40 hours, and I would get to lead another of the teen-programs within the department, as well as STARS.

Enter freak-out mode.

I haven't been trained for this. I don't really know if I can handle both programs. Is this going to make STARS suffer? Is this my answer to prayer, or a temptation? That last one doesn't even make sense, but remember, I was freaking out. After telling friend and family, and hearing everyone say basically, "Well, duh, this sounds awesome," I had to see what God said. So I picked up my Bible. Let me share some of the verses I read.

• I urge you to offer your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice to God, a sacred offering that brings Him pleasure; this is your reasonable, essential worship.
• As a result, you will be able to discern what God wills and whatever God finds good, pleasing, and complete.
• Since our gifts vary depending on the grace poured out on each of us, it is important that we exercise the gifts we have been given.
• Do not slack in your faithfulness and hard work.

Paul really knows how to bring it sometimes. 

After my small butt-kicking from God, I knew this is what He had for me. This was part of the plan all along, even if I didn't know it. It seems to be better that way. Can you imagine how much I would have been freaking out all summer if I had known? Its like God knows me or something....

As a famous cartoon panda once said, "I'm not freaking out, I'm freaking in." Thanks for the perspective, Po.

So I put my big-girl panties on. I accepted this other position. I am now the Director of Abstinence Education AND the STARS Coordinator. 

If there is one thing you can take away from this, if God is asking you to do something, just say yes. He really does know what He's doing. He really does have your best interest in mind. And He WILL make it possible for you to do it. 

I have a place to live, I have enough income to be able to exist, and I even have enough to start saving. I think its official... I'm a big kid. 

I can look back now and see how everything has been training for this. Even in college, I spent all of my time working with people younger than me. I was a tutor, a lab assistant, a peer mentor, and a Young Life leader. This has been the plan all along, just as everything in my life has been. 

I have officially been in Ohio one whole week. Its almost 5:30 now on Saturday, and thats about when I crossed into Ohio on my drive last week. I've moved into my new house, I've worked an entire week, and I haven't just survived, but I've thrived. 

I spent my time last night working the Cedarville University Involvement Fair. This is where the STARS program gets its college-age volunteer small group leaders. There were over 100 different organizations and ministries that had set up tables, looking for their volunteers. It was so amazing seeing the college set up an event like this that allowed us, and their students, to give back to the community. I love seeing people help others to help others.  We need about 5 girls to volunteer for our program, and do you know how many we had sign up to learn more about it? Fifty-one girls. Fifty-one! I have a lot of work ahead of me, probably some more tears and more frustrations, but also more answers to prayer, more God moments, more grace.

Did I mention I took a spiritual gifts test on my first day at work? I had two gifts tie for 1st place. They were shepherding and teaching. The 2nd was service. If thats not confirmation, I don't know what is.

Here's a little bit of proof that I'm here, working, just in case it sounds too good to be true for you.

If I ever stop talking with my hands, the world might end...
Picture taking props go to Brendan. Thanks, Bro.

This is at the Involvement Fair. I had pictures, cookies, a raffle for free coffee, two of the best leaders in the world talking everyone's ears off about how awesome STARS is, and lots and lots of interested people. 

Don't get me wrong, its really, really, really easy for me to slip back into freak-out mode when I think about anything in the future, and by future I don't mean in a years-from-now kinda way, or even a month-from-now kind of way. I mean anything outside of the current second I am in. So I've come up with a super amazing plan to combat any type of crazy future worrying...don't worry about it. Original, right? When did God ever ask us to worry ourselves with anything other than what was in front of us? He didn't. So I'm not. And not in a "don't worry, don't worry, don't worry..." kind of way. Or even a "I'll think about it tomorrow...at Tara" kind of way (please tell me you know what that's from!). There is no denial involved. Its a "Well, God's going to take care of it, and He'll give me the answer when I need it, so I'm not going to think about it now, there's no point." 

You may not see the difference, but there is one, and its a pretty huge. Once causes stress-induced acne, another an apathetic attitude, and the other, a calming, restoring sense of peace. The kind that is past understanding. I'm all for that kind of result.

To leave you, I'm going to give a "remember when/remember that time...." If you haven't heard me say this, you'll get the hang of it. 

Remember that time I moved to Ohio? 

Making a Path Through the Lies...

"For by this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope, for who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Thats in my brain. Forever. And it has helped me so much. Thanks Paul, and your desire to write a letter to Rome. It's helped a lot, buddy.

How else could memorizing something someone else said help me? Its so easy to memorize insults, memorize verbalized disappointments, memorize things said against us; why can't we memorize more encouraging things? Instead of hearing negative comments over and over again in my head, why don't I speak truth into myself, and into my situation, into my life, my thoughts?

Why do I give someone else such authority in my life, instead of realizing who really has that authority?

Sovereign.

That word has been following me for a while.

It means "surpassing all others in quality; one that exercises supreme, permanent authority." There's only One I know that truly fulfills those definitions. Not only is He my God, but He's my King, my Priest, my Intercessor.

I need to hand over the reigns to Him more often (hah, reigns, sovereign, anyone else seeing the connection here?). I need to give Him a chance to speak into my life. He's already comprised all of the best info into one book for me, I just need to read it and commit it to my heart.

So enters my new challenge for myself. And this is tricky, because maybe only 2 of you are reading this, but still, thats 2 people that will know about this, and 2 people I could potentially disappoint by not following through with this, but I'm going to tell you anyways. I plan to memorize 3, yup, 3 chapters in the bible over the next year. Ann Voskamp has an amazing story, and in this case, an amazing challenge for me. Memorizing the sermon on the mount, one of Jesus's most hard-hitting, convicting and encouraging messages ever. Lots of great encouragement, mixed with lots of hard things to do, but all necessary if I want to live life with any kind of joy at all.

I need something, because the world and my fears and my doubts have been getting louder and louder, and they need to be drowned out. What better than something described as sharper than a double-edged sword to do the job? I need to cut through the torrents of discouragement, lies, and fears that are coming my way constantly and make a path for truth, joy, hope, peace, and everything else promised to me by the Word. Thankfully I am incredibly competitive, so hopefully that will help in this quest. Anyone want to join this challenge with me? The competition can only help :)

You Know What They Say...

What should I say? Sometimes it feels like I need to have an amazing thought or an epiphany of some kind in order to blog. What if I just had some questions?

What if I just rambled on and on and on?

What if I could reach someone else through my ramblings?

Most times I search for blog entries of women in similar circumstances as me, looking for advice, encouragement, and to be honest, answers. But who's lives are ever the same? And who ever has the perfect answers that we need?

None of the blogs I read are similar at all. Its easy for me to lump these women into categories and group them into what I would call "similar" life circumstances, but if I ever met them in real life, I'm sure they would be appalled at my assumptions about their lives. And to quote my all time favorite tv show "You know what they say when you assume?" "No, what do they say?" "Well…you…shouldn't." "Clever."

I assume that these women have their lives together, and sit back in the glow of a sunset, reminiscing over the days events, and type up eloquent summaries of the day, loading artsy pictures they have easily taken throughout their day (because they are all skilled photographers), and happily type all of these events up, post their blog, then continue on into their evenings, that are probably filled with all sorts of wonderful things. 

They would probably laugh, then have to run after their children to put them to bed, or begin a work assignment they left until the last minute, or spend their only spare moments of the day to clean or fold the leaning tower of laundry that has piled up in the laundry room. That'd be nice because it would mean we were actually peers. 

Not that I have my own children to chase, or that I even have a full-time job that would require me to bring assignments home, but it would mean they were normal. That they were only sitting at the computer, writing about their lives, to escape for a few moments and let their creative juices flow into the world wide web and try to write something that might be able to encourage someone. Not that I'm claiming that I encourage anyone with my "writing." I don't know if it helps writing in a private journal or on a public blogging site, but it does help me process what is going on in my life when I can take a moment and assess whats happening around me. And from my blog entry history, that doesn't seem to happen too often.

But. 

The good news is my journal has never been fuller (More full? At it's fullest? Whatevs...). I have written more in the last 3 months than I have since January. Know what that means? That I'm dealing with my problems, sitting down and writing about what I'm thinking/feeling/dreading/hoping/weeping/anticipating, instead of what I would normally do and thats check out with a good book or an episode of the aforementioned Gilmore Girls. I am dealing with things.

I know, I know, its like I'm growing up. Well, I did just turn 26. Thats a big deal, you know. Instant adult, just add coffee.