One Good Slap...

Even trying to figure out how to write down what has transpired these past couple of weeks overwhelms me. God is definitely doing something crazy.

I taught. In a real school. In a high school. With a real class.

I really must be an adult now....

My first two days were canceled because of snow...and because God loves me. I was most definitely not ready to begin that first day. So He gave me a couple days to really wrap my mind around what was to happen.

That still didn't help.

The point of this class was to teach a group of high school students the abstinence awareness presentation my coworker and I have created so they can travel with us to different schools and present the information themselves. Its a really cool way to get them involved, and to help the students we are presenting to feel a little more comfortable.

Sounds easy right? Well, maybe if you had a teaching degree, teaching experience, or even knew how to write a proper syllabus.

I went to college to be a dolphin trainer...so yeah, I was a little out of my element.

The first couple of days were okay, and then, Friday happened. I hit a wall. All I could see was how awesome the other teachers were, how prepared they were, how comfortable they seemed teaching their students. My projector wouldn't work, my computer wouldn't let me check my email, and I couldn't log into the system to report grades or attendance.

I was feeling beyond incompetent.

I am a perfectionist, I want to do the BEST I can, and I want to be the best there is at...well...anything. So imagine my attitude at the end of this first week. NOT GOOD.

I had a wonderful conversation though with a new friend, and since I only seem to process things verbally with other people, as I was talking with her, I realized why I was hating this teaching gig and why my attitude was so terrible.

I was playing the comparison game, and boy, was I losing. And we all know how much I like losing....

I was comparing myself to the other teachers; you know, the ones with the teaching degrees and the years of experience, and the working computer systems.  Next to them, of course I would look like a loser. I was.

But this is the year that doesn't make sense. Nothing I have done so far has made any bit of sense, so why would it make sense that I be a teacher, too? It doesn't, it won't, and that realization set me free.

I have no idea how I got into the school, I had no idea what I was doing, but God was using me and I was teaching them, and things were still getting done. Once I stopped comparing myself to the other teachers, I realized I could just do my own thing, and it didn't matter. I had control of a classroom, and if I saw fit to teach something, I taught it.

All you teachers and education people are probably cringing, but I don't care. I did what I wanted, I taught what I wanted, I gave grades, I took attendance, and the class is done. I SURVIVED. And I think the kids actually enjoyed it. The students really seemed to bond with each other, and I realized I really enjoyed being able to teach them.

But once again, this has shown me that this year just won't make sense, and I need to accept that and move on to the next ridiculous thing God has in store for me. I was sitting in our prayer session at work this morning (we meet every Thursday morning to pray) and it hit me that I had been here for a while now, and I was actually accomplishing something. I was doing what God has brought me here to do! I've gone into the schools to teach kids about abstinence, I've run an after-school program and bonded with 80ish girls, I've taught a real-live class, and even though I've sucked at it most of the time, it still all got done! God is actually using me! I think for the first time I get that whole "boast in Christ" thing. I literally am the last person that should have this job...my experience is all volunteer based, my personal experience with the topic I teach on is non-existant, my fears of people and responsibility should have crippled me into never getting in front of anyone to talk, and my problem with authority should render me incapable of working for anyone.  BUT IT HASN'T. I'm actually doing what God has brought me here to do, who would have thought?!

Knowing that I don't have to even know what I'm doing and God will still use me is beyond freeing. Its...optimistically amazing. I don't know if that even makes sense, but thats how it feels. I can be optimistic about work because I know God has used me and will keep using me.

The next step?? Put this optimistic attitude into my personal life...pessimism is still reigning/raining down, and it's exhausting waiting for the sky to fall. Its so easy for me to point out other people's lack of faith or doubt, and you might as well call me Thomas (even though I hate it when people say that because the poor guy has one moment of weakness where he doubts, and some "friend" of his writes about it in the most poplar, best selling book of all time...not cool gospel writers...not cool...). But really, I talked about perspective with my STARS girls today, and I need someone to slap me upside the face with a two by four to get it into my brain that I need some perspective, too!

I can excel at work because I know God is working in me, so why wouldn't He be working in me in stuff not just related to work? Why would He leave me stranded on my own to figure everything else out...car trouble, housemates, boys, volunteer work, budget, church, friends...He says He's with me always, that I can cast all my cares on Him, that I can take His yoke, give up my sin-enslaved life, and find life in Him.

Really, all I need is someone to drive over here, give me one good slap across the face, and maybe it'll finally sink in. Any takers??


Remember that time I almost signed up for Teach For America??? What was I thinking???

Not-so-plain Jane...

So I haven't blogged in a while...I know this. Still not really feeling any deep inspiration to delve (is that even a word?) into the past few weeks of my life. Its been a little messy recently, and I don't feel like hashing things out.

So instead, I'm going to tell you about this super awesome book/journal thing I have.

I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine, you may have heard of her...

Say hello to Jane.

(Side note: You will be my friend forever if you can
tell me what the furry white thing in the background is)

What each page looks like....

Every night before I go to bed, I spend a few minutes with my friend. She's always much wiser than I am, and so much more atriculatory than I can be (maybe not as creative with words though...).

She give me a little glimpse into her life, and encourages me with her observations on humanity. She never takes people too seriously, and can always find joy in the mundane and ordinary.

She's been quite a comfort to me lately, especially since everything in my life seems to keep shifting and changing. She always stays the same, and her advice spans across generations and it is just as applicable today as it was when she wrote it years ago.

I find comfort in the fact that she, too, is very entertained by people and their oddities. She finds the proud amusing, the "poor" enlightening, and the ordinary extraordinary.

It's so great to get a little bit of that each night.

Now what I don't want you to think is that this is my new Bible or anything....I know the the ultimate  stability in my life is Jesus, and I am definitely tighter with Jesus that I am with Jane. But she's been a great does of reality and humor in my life right now, and I'm loving the time we spend together. 

As long as I don't get quite as bad as the character in this movie (though her quote on fictional men is truth...preach it sister!)...no cardboard cutouts of Mr. Darcy are in my house (...yet...).


Remember that time Jane said, "The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid"? Tell us how you really feel, Jane....