Blogging to Blog...

I am an external processor. I can only work through my feelings on something once I've voiced them to another person or written them out, or in this case, typed them out. I stop blogging because I wanted to stop processing.

This doesn't mean life was all horrible. It just got messy. I didn't understand a lot of what was going on, and rather than blog as if those things never happened, I just stopped blogging.

Who wants to dredge up the messy stuff of life? 

Last year, I would somehow make it through my work day, get home, and drown out my feelings with noise. Music, movies, TV shows, phone calls, whatever it took to not process what was really happening.

The worst part?

My life really wasn't that bad.

I was drowning out my feelings on being so far from home and not liking Ohio and not liking my housing situation, and in my misguided purge of thoughts and emotions, positive emotions and feelings went with the bad and everything seemed worse than it really was. That usually happens when you focus on only the bad...you can't see anything past it. 

I would call friends and family and vent or share good news, but then I would stop thinking because it was all so confusing.

"Why in the world am I here?" was about as far as I would get. But...

I HAVE TO STOP ASKING THAT.

I won't ever know why I'm here. When I lived in Florida, I never asked that question.  But, in all fairness, its because being a dolphin trainer living in the Florida Keys never stretched me like being the director of a student outreach department for a pregnancy resource center in Southwest Ohio is stretching me. 

Its so easy to focus on the tears (as in something that is torn from being stretched, not boo-boo kind of tears…) and to miss the growth. 

This can't be a way for me to vent to cyber space. This can't be a way for me to complain about a state that I still don't know how I feel about. And this can't be a facade of how my life really is.

This needs to be an outlet in which I can safely process life.

So far, this year has been….completely unpredictable. My one constant however is God and that He's going to keep throwing things my way that I probably won't understand this side of Heaven. 

I've made it through a whole year of working full time for a ministry and 6 months of volunteering for another while working full-time (I never understood how everyone else did that back at SRCC student ministry…and now I know how…only with God's help!), and they haven't fired me yet, so something must be going right.

Instead of a "remember when", I want to share small positive experiences at the end of my posts. For example, a very small, inconsequential thing happened today, but was a positive spin on what was turning into a negative mental downward spiral. 

At my church, they stop passing out the bulletins with the sermon notes in it once the service starts. Then right before the pastor preaches, the ushers walk around to pass out bulletins to anyone that came in late and missed them….so yeah, I'm usually raising my hand to get one. As I was sitting there waiting for him to walk down the aisle with the bulletins, I was feeling a little ostracized…the friend I usually sit with wasn't there, and the friends I'm still working on making don't usually save me a seat, and I tried to be a tiny bit chatty with the lady next to me, but she wanted nothing to do with me. So when the usher ran out of bulletins before I could get one, I wasn't too happy. It's hard starting up at a new church, and its been really difficult not to get discouraged when it still doesn't feel like I belong. Oh, and I also felt like I annoyed the person behind me because I wore heels today (#justcallmeshorty #whatupsixthree) and the lady behind me was so short she had to switch seats with her husband so she could see. So there I was, no sermon notes, no friends, and pissing people off all around me. But then the couple behind me tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a bulletin that had the sermon notes in them. It was something so simple and non-life changing, but in that moment, after feeling like I didn't fit there (physically and emotionally) this simple gesture showed me the light. I still may not have my community, but people do care. I may not be best friends with everyone in the church, but I'm still going and meeting people each time I do. So thank you to my thoughtful, short, church-pew neighbor for showing me a little bit of kindness when I really needed it. 

Truths...

The sky is blue.

Ohio is far from New Jersey.

Moving is hard.

I saw kids burning things in a park today.

Little Chief is an amazing band.

I stopped blogging because I wanted to stop processing life.

Wanting to stop processing doesn't make life stop.

These are all true statements.

The truest statement is that no matter what I'm going through or anyone else is going through, God never leaves us or forsakes us.

I'm going to start processing and start blogging again.

Here's to seeing that last statement come true. *clink*

"The Lament of Eustace Scrubb"

There has been a lot going on inside my head lately. I don't know that I can blog about any of it yet, but I wanted to share something with you all (however many that is...).

I was driving home from work yesterday and an unexpected snow storm caused that commute to more than triple in time. This lead me to search for inspiring music on my ipod. It was either that or curse out every driver I passed...aren't you glad I choose the former?

I had been jamming to upbeat music to keep me energized, but after driving through an hour of snow, I felt like something more....contemplative. Pensive. Thought-provoking. Instrumentally intriguing.

I put on an album I downloaded for free (legally...don't you judge me...). I had listened to this album a few times before, but there was a song so profound I had to put it on repeat for the remaining 45 minutes of my commute.

Please, if you value your soul in any way, click the video below and listen to this song, "The Lament of Eustace Scrubb":

Even if you weren't paying attention to the lyrics, the music alone is enough to create an emotional reaction.

And if you were one of those slackers people who didn't pay attention to the lyrics, let me give them to you:

"brother, forgive me
we both know i'm the one to blame
'cause when i saw my demons
i knew them well and welcomed them
i knew them well and welcomed them

i'll come around
i'll come around

father, have mercy
i know that i have gone astray
'cause when i saw my reflection
it was a stranger beneath my face
it was a stranger beneath my face

i'll come around
i'll come around
someday

when i touch the water
they tell me i could be set free"


I feel as though I have been a stranger to myself these past 6 months. I have no idea who this person is that's moved away and is living on her own.

I'm plagued by professionalism and immaturity, and I am flip-flopping back and forth from those qualities so rapidly these days, I don't know who to expect in any given situation.

One moment, I'm at work and scheduling meetings with school officials to discuss curriculum, and the next I'm throwing a temper tantrum because I don't want to go grocery shopping, and then I'm calling different mechanics to discuss my options in purchasing tires for my car, and then I'm crying because I can't decide what to eat for lunch because I am so sick of making decisions.

I know I'm where God wants me, but sometimes that only applies geographically. I don't seem to be there all the time emotionally. I feel like there is a stranger beneath my face. Some days, she seems to be a better person, other days she's a worse person. Even in the moments I think I am being most genuine, everything is so different, I still don't feel...right.

I read "The Dawn Treader"last year, and just wept as Eustace described the way Aslan came and removed the person he didn't recognize.

I need that removal. Or maybe even an introduction to this new person. I know my demons, and sometimes the familiarity of self-pity is more comforting than the unaccustomed confidence I have been experiencing at certain times. I don't want to welcome them anymore.

I don't want to just wait for all of this to be over. That was my plan in the beginning, just survive until it was over. So far, that hasn't worked out very well. When we just wait for things to pass, we can't see any of the progress we've made. I can't recognize any of my accomplishments. I'm just keeping my head down and chugging along. I really don't want to do that anymore. Because keeping my head down has now turned into trying to keep my head above water, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm drowning.

But maybe when I go under, when I fully touch the water, I could be set free...

Free from the sin that so easily entangles me. Free from worldly expectations. Free from myself.

One Good Slap...

Even trying to figure out how to write down what has transpired these past couple of weeks overwhelms me. God is definitely doing something crazy.

I taught. In a real school. In a high school. With a real class.

I really must be an adult now....

My first two days were canceled because of snow...and because God loves me. I was most definitely not ready to begin that first day. So He gave me a couple days to really wrap my mind around what was to happen.

That still didn't help.

The point of this class was to teach a group of high school students the abstinence awareness presentation my coworker and I have created so they can travel with us to different schools and present the information themselves. Its a really cool way to get them involved, and to help the students we are presenting to feel a little more comfortable.

Sounds easy right? Well, maybe if you had a teaching degree, teaching experience, or even knew how to write a proper syllabus.

I went to college to be a dolphin trainer...so yeah, I was a little out of my element.

The first couple of days were okay, and then, Friday happened. I hit a wall. All I could see was how awesome the other teachers were, how prepared they were, how comfortable they seemed teaching their students. My projector wouldn't work, my computer wouldn't let me check my email, and I couldn't log into the system to report grades or attendance.

I was feeling beyond incompetent.

I am a perfectionist, I want to do the BEST I can, and I want to be the best there is at...well...anything. So imagine my attitude at the end of this first week. NOT GOOD.

I had a wonderful conversation though with a new friend, and since I only seem to process things verbally with other people, as I was talking with her, I realized why I was hating this teaching gig and why my attitude was so terrible.

I was playing the comparison game, and boy, was I losing. And we all know how much I like losing....

I was comparing myself to the other teachers; you know, the ones with the teaching degrees and the years of experience, and the working computer systems.  Next to them, of course I would look like a loser. I was.

But this is the year that doesn't make sense. Nothing I have done so far has made any bit of sense, so why would it make sense that I be a teacher, too? It doesn't, it won't, and that realization set me free.

I have no idea how I got into the school, I had no idea what I was doing, but God was using me and I was teaching them, and things were still getting done. Once I stopped comparing myself to the other teachers, I realized I could just do my own thing, and it didn't matter. I had control of a classroom, and if I saw fit to teach something, I taught it.

All you teachers and education people are probably cringing, but I don't care. I did what I wanted, I taught what I wanted, I gave grades, I took attendance, and the class is done. I SURVIVED. And I think the kids actually enjoyed it. The students really seemed to bond with each other, and I realized I really enjoyed being able to teach them.

But once again, this has shown me that this year just won't make sense, and I need to accept that and move on to the next ridiculous thing God has in store for me. I was sitting in our prayer session at work this morning (we meet every Thursday morning to pray) and it hit me that I had been here for a while now, and I was actually accomplishing something. I was doing what God has brought me here to do! I've gone into the schools to teach kids about abstinence, I've run an after-school program and bonded with 80ish girls, I've taught a real-live class, and even though I've sucked at it most of the time, it still all got done! God is actually using me! I think for the first time I get that whole "boast in Christ" thing. I literally am the last person that should have this job...my experience is all volunteer based, my personal experience with the topic I teach on is non-existant, my fears of people and responsibility should have crippled me into never getting in front of anyone to talk, and my problem with authority should render me incapable of working for anyone.  BUT IT HASN'T. I'm actually doing what God has brought me here to do, who would have thought?!

Knowing that I don't have to even know what I'm doing and God will still use me is beyond freeing. Its...optimistically amazing. I don't know if that even makes sense, but thats how it feels. I can be optimistic about work because I know God has used me and will keep using me.

The next step?? Put this optimistic attitude into my personal life...pessimism is still reigning/raining down, and it's exhausting waiting for the sky to fall. Its so easy for me to point out other people's lack of faith or doubt, and you might as well call me Thomas (even though I hate it when people say that because the poor guy has one moment of weakness where he doubts, and some "friend" of his writes about it in the most poplar, best selling book of all time...not cool gospel writers...not cool...). But really, I talked about perspective with my STARS girls today, and I need someone to slap me upside the face with a two by four to get it into my brain that I need some perspective, too!

I can excel at work because I know God is working in me, so why wouldn't He be working in me in stuff not just related to work? Why would He leave me stranded on my own to figure everything else out...car trouble, housemates, boys, volunteer work, budget, church, friends...He says He's with me always, that I can cast all my cares on Him, that I can take His yoke, give up my sin-enslaved life, and find life in Him.

Really, all I need is someone to drive over here, give me one good slap across the face, and maybe it'll finally sink in. Any takers??


Remember that time I almost signed up for Teach For America??? What was I thinking???

Not-so-plain Jane...

So I haven't blogged in a while...I know this. Still not really feeling any deep inspiration to delve (is that even a word?) into the past few weeks of my life. Its been a little messy recently, and I don't feel like hashing things out.

So instead, I'm going to tell you about this super awesome book/journal thing I have.

I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine, you may have heard of her...

Say hello to Jane.

(Side note: You will be my friend forever if you can
tell me what the furry white thing in the background is)

What each page looks like....

Every night before I go to bed, I spend a few minutes with my friend. She's always much wiser than I am, and so much more atriculatory than I can be (maybe not as creative with words though...).

She give me a little glimpse into her life, and encourages me with her observations on humanity. She never takes people too seriously, and can always find joy in the mundane and ordinary.

She's been quite a comfort to me lately, especially since everything in my life seems to keep shifting and changing. She always stays the same, and her advice spans across generations and it is just as applicable today as it was when she wrote it years ago.

I find comfort in the fact that she, too, is very entertained by people and their oddities. She finds the proud amusing, the "poor" enlightening, and the ordinary extraordinary.

It's so great to get a little bit of that each night.

Now what I don't want you to think is that this is my new Bible or anything....I know the the ultimate  stability in my life is Jesus, and I am definitely tighter with Jesus that I am with Jane. But she's been a great does of reality and humor in my life right now, and I'm loving the time we spend together. 

As long as I don't get quite as bad as the character in this movie (though her quote on fictional men is truth...preach it sister!)...no cardboard cutouts of Mr. Darcy are in my house (...yet...).


Remember that time Jane said, "The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid"? Tell us how you really feel, Jane....