It's still waiting, but in a different way now. In a different place. Different state to be more exact.
I've moved.
That's the first time I've really said it with any type of conviction and truth. I kept telling people "Well, I got a new job, and I'm just going to go to Ohio to work." But let's be honest, I moved.
Well, at least I've gotten through the denial stage.
Guess what though? After a few small (and large) meltdowns, some tears, packing tape and boxes, some more tears, some more meltdowns, I'm doing pretty good. God has come through in such a loud, strong, gentle way, subtle, obvious way (doesn't He normally work that way?) so I know I'm doing good and will continue doing good.
To really explain where I am emotionally, I'll have to go back to the beginning for you.
It was a Tuesday afternoon when I was born...
Just kidding, not that far.
Almost a year ago, I learned of a job opportunity to mentor middle school girls through an after-school program, STARS. It involved a faith-based curriculum, college-age volunteers, and teens. I think we can all understand why I wanted to learn more about it. After a conversation with the (at the time) current director, I knew I loved the program. But, there was a small problem. It was only a 15-hr job. I thanked her for talking with me, I wished her the best, and I hung up.
But I couldn't stop thinking about it.
So about a month later, I made some last minute plans, left NJ at about 4:20 am, drove to Ohio, and made it just in time to visit my first STARS meeting. I was exhausted and slightly delirious, but that probably worked in my favor, because then I didn't clammer up (as I normally do in new situations) and rather spoke with a few girls. I took part in a couple activities (not too many though, I mean, lets not get too crazy...), and saw how deeply these middle school girls loved their leaders. And I saw myself running it...and loving it. I was hooked. However, after realizing I had been up since 3:30 (which is just ridiculous for anyone, especially me), I knew I had to go home (aka a college dorm room floor) and sleep, and then I would be able to think a little clearer about the whole situation.
I went, I slept, I thought. And I really liked what I saw. I went back the next day for another STARS meeting, and I knew there was no way I couldn't apply for this job.
Again though, it was 15 hours. Who drives across the country (ok, slightly dramatic, but it felt really far at the time) for a 15 hour job?? Who can afford to do that? What if I don't find another job? What if...?
Well, those questions really don't matter to God. They shouldn't matter to us, but they REALLY don't matter to God.
So I came home. I applied. And I waited.
Again.
I guess God wanted to make sure I was extra good at waiting. On a scale of 1 to 10, I think I'm a black belt in waiting. Just call me Bruce Lee.
But a couple months later, I had an interview. And again, God was all over that.
Ever have those moments when everything all of the sudden makes sense? All the little boxes suddenly seem to shift and fit perfectly in your brain, and you can see that all along, all along, God had you? Well, it was kinda' like that. I had an answer for every question my interviewers asked. Not just any answer, but THE answer. The PERFECT answer, the answer that led me to internally exclaim (and yes, you can internally exclaim) "THAT'S WHY THAT HAPPENED TO ME! SO I COULD GIVE THIS ANSWER!" It was pretty loud in my head during the whole interview. It was also in that moment, in those many moments, I knew God had me, I knew all along God had me in the perfect place, in the perfect jobs, in the perfect college. It all made sense.
So yeah, I kinda' had my hopes up about the job.
Also, I love how God comforts all of us in small ways, each of us differently and unique, just like how He made us. With me, its usually been either small signs in nature, or music.
Here's a little behind-the-scenes moment for you. When I got into the car to head to the interview, my radio had been on from the previous drive (does anyone actually ever shut theirs off?), so it started up, and these were the first words I heard--"I'm gonna make this place your home." So again, my hopes were pretty flippin' high.
So I went home after the interview, and guess what I did?
Yup, I waited. Its like a super power I have. Is it a bird, is is a plane? No! Its Waiting-Woman! (Side note, I just sat here way too long trying to come up with some kind of pun for a name, and apparently, when you move away from all of your punny friends, it gets a little harder).
Then I had a terrible day at work. Normally, days as a substitute teacher weren't bad. I cried during a few of them, but overall, I had gotten pretty good at my job and the days weren't bad at all. Then, I realized why so many people don't like high schoolers. It was a bad day. I was done. I wanted something more, I wanted to know if I was working before I got a call at 5:30 am, I wanted to build relationships with students, I wanted more responsibility, I wanted authority, I wanted order. Then I got a phone call. Well, I actually got a voicemail because I missed the phone call because I was yelling about how horrible the day was (did I mention it was bad?). It was the STARS people. They wanted me to work for them. I felt relieved, terrified, excited, scared, joyful, all at the same time. Life was going to change.
But hadn't I just been yelling that I needed it to change?
So I said yes.
And then I went to Ohio for 5 weeks to train. It was the perfect job.
When I told one of my friends about the whole thing, her response was "He's so kind!" And before I could obliviously ask, "Who are you talking about?", she then said "He's just so kind that He made this for you!" And she cried. And I cried. This was made for me. Its going to be hard, its going to challenge me, its going to stretch me, but it's everything I love.
So I was trained, I knew exactly what was going to happen when I came back in August, I was ready. Did I mention that after being in Ohio those 5 weeks, my job had gone from a 15 hour job to a 20 hour job? Things were definitely looking up. I even had found the perfect place to live. It was all coming together. That whole second job thing still had to be figured out, and while I worried a little (some days a lot), I knew deep down that it would work out. I hoped it would work out. I was pleading with God that it would work out.
And then there was a plot twist.
If you ever reach a point where you think you have things figured out, you have my deepest sympathies. To quote Betty Davis, "Fasten your seat belts, its going to be a bumpy night."
I got a call 3 days before I was leaving. It was my boss. She had a proposition for me. What she really had was an answer to prayer for me. At this point, my job was going to be the STARS Coordinator. This was one of 3 teen-programs within the Abstinence Education Department at the Miami Valley Women's Center.
She offered me the position of Director of Abstinence Education. I was about to become my own boss. This would mean 40 hours, and I would get to lead another of the teen-programs within the department, as well as STARS.
Enter freak-out mode.
I haven't been trained for this. I don't really know if I can handle both programs. Is this going to make STARS suffer? Is this my answer to prayer, or a temptation? That last one doesn't even make sense, but remember, I was freaking out. After telling friend and family, and hearing everyone say basically, "Well, duh, this sounds awesome," I had to see what God said. So I picked up my Bible. Let me share some of the verses I read.
- I urge you to offer your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice to God, a sacred offering that brings Him pleasure; this is your reasonable, essential worship.
- As a result, you will be able to discern what God wills and whatever God finds good, pleasing, and complete.
- Since our gifts vary depending on the grace poured out on each of us, it is important that we exercise the gifts we have been given.
- Do not slack in your faithfulness and hard work.
Paul really knows how to bring it sometimes.
After my small butt-kicking from God, I knew this is what He had for me. This was part of the plan all along, even if I didn't know it. It seems to be better that way. Can you imagine how much I would have been freaking out all summer if I had known? Its like God knows me or something....
As a famous cartoon panda once said, "I'm not freaking out, I'm freaking in." Thanks for the perspective, Po.
So I put my big-girl panties on. I accepted this other position. I am now the Director of Abstinence Education AND the STARS Coordinator.
If there is one thing you can take away from this, if God is asking you to do something, just say yes. He really does know what He's doing. He really does have your best interest in mind. And He WILL make it possible for you to do it.
I have a place to live, I have enough income to be able to exist, and I even have enough to start saving. I think its official... I'm a big kid.
I can look back now and see how everything has been training for this. Even in college, I spent all of my time working with people younger than me. I was a tutor, a lab assistant, a peer mentor, and a Young Life leader. This has been the plan all along, just as everything in my life has been.
I have officially been in Ohio one whole week. Its almost 5:30 now on Saturday, and thats about when I crossed into Ohio on my drive last week. I've moved into my new house, I've worked an entire week, and I haven't just survived, but I've thrived.
I spent my time last night working the Cedarville University Involvement Fair. This is where the STARS program gets its college-age volunteer small group leaders. There were over 100 different organizations and ministries that had set up tables, looking for their volunteers. It was so amazing seeing the college set up an event like this that allowed us, and their students, to give back to the community. I love seeing people help others to help others. We need about 5 girls to volunteer for our program, and do you know how many we had sign up to learn more about it? Fifty-one girls. Fifty-one! I have a lot of work ahead of me, probably some more tears and more frustrations, but also more answers to prayer, more God moments, more grace.
Did I mention I took a spiritual gifts test on my first day at work? I had two gifts tie for 1st place. They were shepherding and teaching. The 2nd was service. If thats not confirmation, I don't know what is.
Here's a little bit of proof that I'm here, working, just in case it sounds too good to be true for you.
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| If I ever stop talking with my hands, the world might end... Picture taking props go to Brendan. Thanks, Bro. |
This is at the Involvement Fair. I had pictures, cookies, a raffle for free coffee, two of the best leaders in the world talking everyone's ears off about how awesome STARS is, and lots and lots of interested people.
Don't get me wrong, its really, really, really easy for me to slip back into freak-out mode when I think about anything in the future, and by future I don't mean in a years-from-now kinda way, or even a month-from-now kind of way. I mean anything outside of the current second I am in. So I've come up with a super amazing plan to combat any type of crazy future worrying...don't worry about it. Original, right? When did God ever ask us to worry ourselves with anything other than what was in front of us? He didn't. So I'm not. And not in a "don't worry, don't worry, don't worry..." kind of way. Or even a "I'll think about it tomorrow...at Tara" kind of way (please tell me you know what that's from!). There is no denial involved. Its a "Well, God's going to take care of it, and He'll give me the answer when I need it, so I'm not going to think about it now, there's no point."
You may not see the difference, but there is one, and its a pretty huge. Once causes stress-induced acne, another an apathetic attitude, and the other, a calming, restoring sense of peace. The kind that is past understanding. I'm all for that kind of result.
To leave you, I'm going to give a "remember when/remember that time...." If you haven't heard me say this, you'll get the hang of it.
Remember that time I moved to Ohio?
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