I was driving home from work yesterday and an unexpected snow storm caused that commute to more than triple in time. This lead me to search for inspiring music on my ipod. It was either that or curse out every driver I passed...aren't you glad I choose the former?
I had been jamming to upbeat music to keep me energized, but after driving through an hour of snow, I felt like something more....contemplative. Pensive. Thought-provoking. Instrumentally intriguing.
I put on an album I downloaded for free (legally...don't you judge me...). I had listened to this album a few times before, but there was a song so profound I had to put it on repeat for the remaining 45 minutes of my commute.
Please, if you value your soul in any way, click the video below and listen to this song, "The Lament of Eustace Scrubb":
Even if you weren't paying attention to the lyrics, the music alone is enough to create an emotional reaction.
And if you were one of those
"brother, forgive me
we both know i'm the one to blame
'cause when i saw my demons
i knew them well and welcomed them
i knew them well and welcomed them
i'll come around
i'll come around
father, have mercy
i know that i have gone astray
'cause when i saw my reflection
it was a stranger beneath my face
it was a stranger beneath my face
i'll come around
i'll come around
someday
when i touch the water
they tell me i could be set free"
I feel as though I have been a stranger to myself these past 6 months. I have no idea who this person is that's moved away and is living on her own.
I'm plagued by professionalism and immaturity, and I am flip-flopping back and forth from those qualities so rapidly these days, I don't know who to expect in any given situation.
One moment, I'm at work and scheduling meetings with school officials to discuss curriculum, and the next I'm throwing a temper tantrum because I don't want to go grocery shopping, and then I'm calling different mechanics to discuss my options in purchasing tires for my car, and then I'm crying because I can't decide what to eat for lunch because I am so sick of making decisions.
I know I'm where God wants me, but sometimes that only applies geographically. I don't seem to be there all the time emotionally. I feel like there is a stranger beneath my face. Some days, she seems to be a better person, other days she's a worse person. Even in the moments I think I am being most genuine, everything is so different, I still don't feel...right.
I read "The Dawn Treader"last year, and just wept as Eustace described the way Aslan came and removed the person he didn't recognize.
I need that removal. Or maybe even an introduction to this new person. I know my demons, and sometimes the familiarity of self-pity is more comforting than the unaccustomed confidence I have been experiencing at certain times. I don't want to welcome them anymore.
I don't want to just wait for all of this to be over. That was my plan in the beginning, just survive until it was over. So far, that hasn't worked out very well. When we just wait for things to pass, we can't see any of the progress we've made. I can't recognize any of my accomplishments. I'm just keeping my head down and chugging along. I really don't want to do that anymore. Because keeping my head down has now turned into trying to keep my head above water, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm drowning.
But maybe when I go under, when I fully touch the water, I could be set free...
Free from the sin that so easily entangles me. Free from worldly expectations. Free from myself.
