What am I waiting for?
Why I am holding back?
What am I afraid I will miss?
Why can't I take a leap of faith?
When did Jesus ever say, "Now hold on, don't get too rash, I want you to think through the next 2 years, plan them out for yourself, then get involved when you feel comfortable."
But I live my life as if that's what I'm to do! I can't tell the difference between practical planing and taking a risk. Why were we given the ability to plan? To think ahead? To think for ourselves? It keeps getting me into trouble. I plan things out in my head, sometimes telling others, but I've learned to do that less and less so I have fewer conversations that being "So remember when I said I was going to go here and do this? Yeah, well, I'm actually…." But I still have that conversation with myself and that is proving to be just as difficult! I think things in my life are going a certain way, so I adapt to that way of thinking, only to realize thats not where they were going at all and I have to not only change my attitude, but change the plans I've made for my life 4 years down the road! Remember a post about being an over-analyzer? Yep, I'm still carrying that thorn around, and I'd love to be rid of it.
But then where would trust play in?
I would never be taking a leap of faith…I would be moving from event to event, never learning to trust in the One higher than me, the One who invented analysis, the One who put that in my brain.
I don't want to be Paul. Paul lived an uncomfortable life. He was beaten constantly, lived on the road, was shipwrecked, left for dead, homeless at times, friendless at others, but so passionate for his God that he didn't care. Left for a city in which everyone around him begged him not to go for fear he would die there, embraced death over and over again, and has changed the lives of anyone who has read his letters. I don't want a cushy life, the 9-5, the house and mortgage, the 2 car garage filled with crap. I want to change people's lives. I'm not saying you can't change people's live when you live in a house, have a steady job, and obey the law by paying taxes…I'm saying I'm glad He hasn't called me to a life in the business world. Praise the Lord I know at least that much.
Now if I just knew to stop digging my heels in and see where God could be leading me on the quest for purpose and identity in Him, I could experience some awesome things. My quest may lead to a trip to some other country, to a realization that I'm to stay in the US, or even to build relationships with certain people…I will never know until I'm there.
God, you know I want to arrive at Heaven sweaty and exhausted. You also know how much I hate unnecessary physical exertion. But its not unnecessary. I can't believe the lie that it is. Its Your kingdom, its Your heaven here on earth. Its Your will, not mine. Let me live in it all the days of my life.
